This is for YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

Ah, Headmistress of Hussies, Mentor of Molls, and Didact of Doxies! You are truly the best of bimbos, the fairest of flirts and floozies.  Knowing your eternal struggle in maintaining an incoming supply of vibrators appropriate to your outflow, I wished to make sure that this advance in sex toy technology was placed in just the right spot to get your attention:

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GEORGIA!

Holy fuck! Georgia, have you always looked that hot & I’ve just been ignoring you for the first 90 minutes of the movie because you let your bangs hide your face? Because I totally want to take you to the prom now. Seriously. I know I was feeling all “fuck the prom, it’s stupid & I’m not going” for a minute there, but really, all of a sudden I feel like I’m over North Carolina. She was never right for me, but I guess you’ve known that since the beginning anyway.

 

An attack on one oatmeal eater is an attack on all oatmeal eaters

No, that title isn’t going to make more sense at the bottom of this post, at least not to either of my regular readers. But it will make sense to someone, and that is enough.

The point what I am making is that this is a story, a story which eventually attacked a dear and precious soul innocently attempting to eat oatmeal, but which began life very differently, as a comment on a mommy blog/ recipe site known to all (factcheck: some) as Wonkette.com. On that blog, an author named Evan wrote about Tucker Carlson’s ridiculous conspiracy theory that the loss of some documents (which Carlson purports to be evidence of wrongdoing by Hunter Biden) during shipment by UPS was obviously a work of sabotage by some nefarious Biden supporter/ UPS worker with x-ray vision who randomly reads documents shipped overnight express in case they might reflect poorly upon that worker’s political hero. How he concludes his story, however, made an old story come to mind, a story which must now begin by quoting the conclusion of Evan’s piece reporting on Tucker Carlson’s paranoia.

WARNING: BEFORE THE STORY BEGINS, IF YOU ARE A TRUMP SUPPORTER AND HAVE NOT YET VOTED, IMMEDIATELY BEGIN CHUGGING HOT BEVERAGES AND/ OR EATING OATMEAL, THEN CONTINUE TO DO SO THROUGHOUT YOUR READING, FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.

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Most Important News Story Of The Day

Oh, sure, we could go with something election related. Or we could follow in Wonkette’s footsteps & write about how Kentucky’s Attorney General brazenly lied about the grand jury’s investigation of Breonna Taylor’s killer cops (yes, we’re talking about murderous cops and not about people who kill cops) and about how the dishonest AG was counting on grand jury secrecy to keep his lies from being discovered even as he continued to break required silence on grand jury proceedings with no one to arrest him (since that would be the AG’s job, which would be him) and, finally, about how a new ruling on behalf of a grand jury member who wanted to be able to speak publicly about aspects of the proceedings which the AG had already (falsely) described without going to jail. That’s an important story, an Wonkette has a good write up of it, but it’s not the most important story of the day.

We will, of course, miss the work of James Randi, but while personally affecting, I feel the story lacks quite as much public impact as even the story about the release of the Taylor grand jury transcript’s release. The story about Giuliani’s bid to bed a Borat Betty is amusing if you’re in the right frame of mind, but that’s not important at all. There’s all sorts of election news, of course, but much of it is horse-race nonsense. The election is not won or lost based on polls conducted 2-3 weeks before election day.

No, there’s only one most important news story today:

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What a maroon!

FtB generally and Pharyngula in particular had a longtime commenter nymmed What A Maroon. (Miss you! Haven’t seen you! Hope you’re well!) This, of course, comes from the classic Bugs Bunny insult, “What a maroon!” which I have always assumed to be a child-friendly corruption of “What a moron!” but whose etymology I had not examined.

Well, I still have not examined that etymology, but Janelle Shane has a new post up that does dive into the nature of human maroons and other colors. As always, her methodology is to feed data of a certain type into an AI and then see what the AI can create along the same lines. In this case, it’s an experiment in color/personality comparisons that have been popular memes for some time. Shane tells us that

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Jerkfaces uncovered our feminist plan. Meet at the usual place to discuss secret next steps.

It seems that the communications security protocol flaws and lack of physical override/bypass or escape mechanisms we build into male chastity devices have been discovered. Look at how much the men now know:

The Cellmate, [an internet-connected male chastity device] produced by Chinese firm Qiui, is a cover that clamps on the base of the male genitals with a hardened steel ring, and does not have a physical key or manual override.

A security flaw in [the device] could allow hackers to remotely lock it — leaving users trapped, researchers have warned. … “An angle grinder or other suitable heavy tool would be required to cut the wearer free,” [British security firm Pen Test Partners said Tuesday].

The MRAs do not yet know it was engineered this way by scientists at NOW Labs. We must keep that information contained at all costs. In the meantime, get as many men fitted for Cellmates as soon as possible before masculine distrust sets in. Further updates on the secret channel.