A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.17 “Be Different”

Dear daughter,

Nobody wants to be different growing up. I always felt I stood out in some ways, but most of the time I didn’t want to. As a child and preteen, I would try to wear what the popular girls wore. I wanted to do my hair and makeup like them. Thankfully, in high school, I broke away from that a bit, but I was still self-conscious. 

There was a girl back home the same age as me and about the same size — tiny little thing. She was pretty and bubbly and everyone loved her. We were in cheerleading together. 

This girl was different — and even proud of it. She stood out and that seemed to make her even more popular even though no one would dare follow in her footsteps. She listened to old music and dressed however she wanted. Her palms would sweat when she was nervous, and instead of being self-conscious, she found ways to laugh at her flaws and everyone thought it was cute.

She was a very genuine person and I always admired her confidence. I envied her even. 

As an adult, I know I’m different, and for once, I want to be different. When you’re an adult you kind of stop giving a fuck. I feel being unique has helped my career and strengthened my relationships. When you show people your true self, others will follow suit and do the same. Celebrating differences can be a great way to connect.

I know growing up is hard and you feel like everyone is judging you, but I hope you can find the confidence to always be yourself. I know you are unique — one of a kind — and I will always be proud of you. 

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.16 “Respect That Freedom”

Dear daughter,

Religious claims are often ridiculous and far-fetched, and it’s hard to believe that anyone truly sees them as fact. But, don’t be an asshole. Deep down we’re all just humans trying to get by. 

It’s true, religious people can often be assholes to those living a secular life, but don’t fight fire with fire. We don’t have to emulate disrespectful behavior. Show empathy and consider what might have brought them to the place that they’re at. 

Debates are one thing, blatant disrespect is another.

We all know that Christians try to “spread the word” and while it’s annoying, it’s probably best to walk away. I once was talking to a friend in high school who decided he wanted to convert me, and when I didn’t budge in my convictions, he told me he’d rather talk to a shoebox because it opens up more than me. It was uncalled for and the discussion was not worth risking our friendship over.

Don’t be like that. I’m doing my best not to either.

We’re all humans free to live our lives how we want. Respect that freedom.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.15 “Be Careful”

Dear daughter,

Be careful. It’s dangerous being a woman. I have been assaulted, drugged, and stalked, and unfortunately, that’s an all too common narrative in an American woman’s life. 

Always be aware of your surroundings and have friends and loved ones around as much as possible. In the three situations I mentioned above, friends and family were able to intervene. These situations could have turned out a lot worse if they hadn’t been around. 

I don’t have the answers. I wish life as a woman wasn’t this way. The best I can offer is to live by the saying, “Expect the best and prepare for the worst”. 

I will always be here to help you in any way I can.

Love,

Mom

 

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.14 “You’re a Mystery”

Dear daughter,

You’re a mystery to me.

It’s the summer after your fourth birthday and you’ve cut up two toys with scissors. I find it quite disturbing. It’s not like they were a truck or jump rope; they were an alien and dinosaur. They had eyes.

I personify everything — even as an adult — and could never hurt anything with eyes. 

Maybe it’s good that you are a little less sensitive than I am, but I hope throughout your childhood I can instill a value in empathy.

Maybe toys aren’t a good example here, but it’s important to respect and care for other creatures and property — like our kitties, Jaxie and Belle Belle, and others’ belongings.

We must always be considerate of others’ feelings and needs as well as the world around us. 

It’s possible to have a better understanding of others when you picture their pain as your own. Please keep this in mind.

Maybe they were just toys and you’re just four years old, but for some reason, your actions still bother me. I’m sure it’s mostly my own sensitivity, but hopefully, in time I will understand your behavior. 

I’m still excited to see the person you become.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.13 “Give Credit”

To my incredible daughter —

You are strong, resilient, and capable of so much. Success and happiness are within your grasp. Be proud of your accomplishments. Give yourself credit.

So many people claim god is responsible for their success and don’t recognize their own hard work and inner strength.

Give credit to others when it’s due. Modern medicine and science come to mind, but there are so many people working to make the world a better place. God isn’t responsible for that. 

Humans are amazing with limitless potential. No deity required. Let’s recognize that.

I can’t wait to see all of the incredible things you will do.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.12 “Sing” and “The Living World”

Dear daughter,

Sing. Turn on some music and sing. Even if you suck, don’t give fuck about what anybody thinks.

I want to sing, but I won’t. Someone told me I was a bad singer growing up, and I became very self-conscious. Maybe it was true but it was very hurtful, especially since I was so young yet already setting my sights on a career in music.

This made music school especially tough. I was required to sing in ear training classes. I did well in my classes, but barely. I felt awful. 

When our family celebrates birthdays, I will not sing “happy birthday” with everyone. I just smile and won’t make eye contact. This has gone on for years. I feel extremely awkward and I wish it wasn’t like that.

When you are in a situation where you know someone is self-conscious or struggling, lift them up — don’t tear them down. If someone is tearing you down, fuck ‘em. 

So daughter — fuck everyone else and sing. 

Love,

Mom

 

 

Dear daughter,

Today, you trampled my newly planted hostas and I nearly cried. I tried to hide how upset I really was but you picked up on it anyway.

Every morning in the summer I go outside and water all of our plants and flowers. This year we even have Norway Spruce seedlings which have been really fun to watch grow. Sometimes you join me in this daily ritual that I really enjoy.

I don’t think you meant to hurt the hostas and I know you felt really bad afterward. Hopefully, you will be more careful from now on. Plants are living things and watching their growth and life cycle is absolutely fascinating.

The living world around us is truly amazing and we must respect the environment we’re in. 

Maybe one day you will have my interest in plants. Maybe you won’t. Either way, I hope you will have picked up general respect for living things and this ever-changing planet that we are a part of. 

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.11 “Person Before Gender”

Dear daughter,

I find myself more attracted to men than women, but I have been attracted to both. I really don’t have any experience with other genders, but I’d like to think I’d keep an open mind. 

I really feel that when you fall in love with someone, it isn’t for their gender but for who they are as a person. 

There are so many different genders and I hope you keep an open mind as well. For love or for friendship, value people for who they are and not what they identify as. 

Also, don’t let your gender define you or your role. You are free to be whoever you feel you are or want to be.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.10 “Glitter” and “Evidence”

Yesterday was a very uneventful Thanksgiving thanks to the pandemic. My daughter is young enough to not really grasp that we missed a major holiday but old enough to really miss her Pop Pop as well as the rest of the family.

Here are two more letters.

 

Dear daughter,

One word: glitter. You love arts and crafts and have been asking for glitter for a while, and against our better judgment, daddy and I gave in a bought you some two weeks ago. You’ve made some pretty awesome pictures with it, but it’s everywhere. It’s on the floor, in the rug, in the sink, and this morning I even found a couple of flecks in our bed. Even though our house will never be free of glitter again, it was worth it. You are so happy when you are creating art.

You’re four years old right now and the walls of our little house are covered with your beautiful artwork. Since I’m an artist myself, I couldn’t be happier that you have shown a strong interest in art. Maybe it’s a little selfish of me, but I hope that interest never dies. 

It doesn’t matter what I want — I know you will do your own thing and I will support you no matter what.

You seem to be turning into a very passionate person and I hope that continues. Never give up on the things you love.

Your artwork is beautiful, and it has made our home and lives beautiful as well.

Love,

Mom

 

 

Dear daughter,

If someone can’t produce conclusive evidence, whatever it is they are trying to convince you of isn’t true. 

Evidence is everything.

This is my biggest problem with religion — they can’t back up anything they claim. They control people’s lives with their teachings yet there isn’t a single piece of evidence proving that what they preach is true.

If religion did produce conclusive evidence, I would become a believer.

This doesn’t just go for religion. Question the things around you. Unfortunately, we live in a world where people are led by falsehoods. 

This decision-making process is a simple concept. It’s a black and white issue. You either have evidence or you don’t and I will adjust my thinking accordingly. 

If you are presented with new evidence, don’t be afraid to change your opinion. That’s what skeptics and critical thinkers do.

You’re smart — protect yourself and defend the truth.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter – no.9 “Be a Sponge”

Dear daughter,

By now I have probably taken you to see the rural area where I grew up. Life is different there — my childhood looked a lot different from yours. There weren’t a lot of opportunities out there but I was very fortunate because grandpa had the means for us to travel, take classes, and just get out of the area occasionally. I knew there was a whole world out there and many of the people I grew up with never saw that. I’m not trying to put anyone down — I had a great childhood there. I just knew when it was time for me to leave.

Whenever grandpa made opportunities available for me outside of our rural area, he always told me to be a sponge and just absorb everything I can. He specifically said this before I left for my exchange year in Denmark. After spending some time abroad, I knew exactly what he meant and I was thankful for his advice. I took in as much as I could while I was in Denmark and it affected me greatly — it affects me to this day. Seeing a different way of life made me want to improve my own. 

So now I’m saying the same to you — be a sponge. You undoubtedly will have many different experiences growing up and I’m happy that we live in a diverse area with many opportunities. Definitely take advantage of that. Who knows where life will take you.

By the way, I am also secretly hoping you will get the chance to study abroad. It is absolutely life-changing.

Love,

Mom

A Secular Childhood: Letters to My Daughter — no.8 “Your Body is Only Yours” and “Ambitions and Dreams”

Dear strong and beautiful daughter,

Your body is yours — not god’s, not society’s, not your family’s, not the government’s, and not your partner’s. It is only yours.

Say “no” whenever you need to. Say “yes” whenever you want to. 

When I was younger, there were times I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. I didn’t want to hurt anyone or have someone see me as a bitch or tease. The feeling of regret is simply not worth it. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable with a situation, say “no”. 

Don’t feel afraid to say “yes” either. Try new things and learn what you like.

Set your own standards. You don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations.

The most important thing is that you’re happy and healthy, and that looks different for everyone.

Love,

Mom

 

 

My ambitious daughter with dreams and goals,

Pursue the things you love even if there’s a lot of work involved.

They say if you do something you love, you’ll never work a day in your life, but I’ve learned that’s not quite how it works. To be able to do something you love, you usually have to work pretty hard to get to that position.

Here’s the thing — you only get this one short life. There’s nothing after it, so you really have everything to live for. Pursue the things you love. Set big goals. Be ambitious. This is your time.

There’s one very important lesson I’ve learned from working as an artist and writer:

It is more important to be different than good.

There are millions of people that are good in any given field, but you have to find a way to stand out from them. You are smart and unique and I’m sure you will find a way to make your work your own, which leads to another lesson:

Don’t compare yourself to others.

If you do your best and let your passion shine through, I’m sure you will get far in life. Find what you love and find a way to make it work for you. I will be rooting for you every step of the way.

I’ve done a lot of things in my life and here is a formula I tend to follow:

  1. Stay organized. When you’re an adult, no one is going to keep track of your life for you. Write it down and then follow through and do it. Stay on top of the things you need to do.
  2. Take risks. You’re not going to grow if you don’t let go of your doubts and try something new or go for something bigger. It’s the only way to move forward.
  3. Pursue your passions. You only live once so why the hell not? Fuck those who say you can’t. You are the one in control of your life.

A lot of this formula came from grandma and grandpa — especially the organization part. Your grandparents were successful people. I am grateful for the things they taught me, but of course, I had to put my own spin on it as well.

Now it’s your turn. I’m showing what I do but I want you to put your own spin on it, too. Take what you want; leave what you don’t. Find out what turns your dreams into goals and your goals into accomplishments.

I can’t wait to see all the things you do when you get older. I spend a lot of time wondering what you will be interested in. It’s so exciting to watch you grow!

Love,

Mom