Dave Daubenmire tends to get easily distracted. Instead of foaming at the mouth ranting about all those evil commie NFL players in any sort of consistent manner, he derails, right into…soccer. Yep, actual football has his knickers in a knot. Seems that it’s unamerican. Or something.
“American boys play football,” he said, “they don’t play soccer.”
Daubenmire returned to the topic during his webcast today, suggesting that there is an effort to encourage young boys to play soccer in order to undermine the institution of family and insisting that people who can’t see this obvious fact are simply blind to the spiritual forces at work.
Soccer is football, you knothead. Oh, spiritual forces. What forces, Dave? Could it be…Saaatan? Maybe it’s…Deeeemons? Hmmm, perhaps it’s Stolas, he looks like he be good at football:
Daubenmire said that during his coaching years, he routinely saw “little 5 and 6-year-old boys drug off over to the soccer field and their daddies didn’t even know what soccer was, the daddies couldn’t talk to their sons about, ‘Oh yeah, back when I played soccer’ and then the boys could never talk to their dads about when they played football because they took them all and stuck them over in soccer.”
How long ago were you coaching, Dave? Because by my reckoning, that would make you very old indeed. Many decades have gone by in which kids of all genders have flocked to the soccer field in droves. It’s a much more attractive game, and one that requires considerable skill to play, which kids actually recognize, so they understand the point of starting early. Given how long ago soccer became popular here, there are a good many dads and moms out there who played soccer, and can happily yak about their playing days, boring the socks off their kids. It seems pathetic that a coach would need to be told that a parent doesn’t need to have sports behind them to encourage or enjoy their child’s engagement in it.
“Why do we have soccer fields everywhere?” he asked. “Because it takes a man to play football and mommies don’t like seeing their little boys get knocked down, so mommies put them into soccer where they get little knee pads and they don’t really hurt each other.”
Soccer is hardly a pain free or injury free sport, Dave. Most sports for young children are protective in nature, after all, the goal shouldn’t be “brain damage ’em by seven years old!” I’m certainly glad you’ve given up coaching to be a loon. I see this rant devolves into the usual misogynistic crap, where you can’t acknowledge that many women play sports, many women enjoy sports, and of course, it’s the fault of all those evil pussies walking around. Sometimes I despair. All manner of parents look askance at American football these days, the injuries are by no means lightweight, and most parents do actually love and care about their sproggen.
“What does grandpa get to do on Saturday morning?” Daubenmire continued. “Go watch my grandson play football? No. He’s a penguin, he’s running around hitting balls with his head. I can’t relate to him playing soccer. But I can go to a football game and watch him get knocked on his butt, be able to tell him after the game, ‘You know, that happened to me back when I was playing too and let me tell you what to do.’ But I can’t help him with soccer.”
This is not 1950, Dave. Why do I get the idea you’ve never actually watched a football match? I’d dearly love to see your ample arse shoved out on the field, and have to make one goal. Just one, Dave. Then you could leave and get back to ranting. I’m not a sportsball person, I don’t like any of it, but even I can’t deny the disparity between football and American football when it comes to sheer skill and talent. Lining up and ramming people as brutally as possible really shouldn’t be a sport at all, but this is ‘merica.
“Do you guys think I’m crazy?” he asked. “I don’t care. I’m telling you [the truth.]”
Oh, don’t tempt me, Dave. That’s not nice. You aren’t telling the truth, you’re just ranting about your personal dislikes. There’s a difference.