Deep
Betrayal runs deep –
the toxicity in your veins.
You poisoned my outlook,
my family.
A painful breakdown
leads to an equally painful breakthrough.
Your lies define
your place in the universe.
When you stomp on my dreams
you only get your shoes dirty.
My future is mine –
you won’t have a part in it.
Thank you for showing me
when to walk away.
There is something very childlike about me. My husband says it’s endearing.
My eating disorder started when I was eleven years old, and unfortunately, eating disorders can stunt your growth both physically and emotionally. For me, I don’t know about the physical part. I’m very short, but so is the rest of my family, and I went through a normal puberty. However, emotionally I’ve definitely felt some growing pains.
I always feel like someone has to be in charge of me, usually my husband or dad. I’m impulsive and decision-making can be difficult. I always feel I have to look up to everyone – I’m never on equal footing with other adults.
My most recent round of treatment for my eating disorder really stirred the pot, and I feel like I was violently thrown into adulthood. I now see myself as an adult which has affected my interactions with everyone else.
This is most noticeable with my parents. I always saw my parents as above me – people who tell me what to do and someone I should work hard at pleasing. In a way, they could do no wrong. I didn’t question them.
But now I see my parents as human. I see their emotions and flaws. They’re no longer above me. In a way, we are the same. This has led to some tension in my family and it really sucks.
Has anyone else gone through this? How do you view your parents? When did you stop seeing your parents as parents and start seeing them as other adults? Do you consider them equals? At what age did you feel like an adult?
My 40th birthday is in two weeks. I’m sad that I spent so many years feeling like a child.
Has anyone else ever done this?
There have been so many times when I’ve bowed my head while people around me prayed or smiled and nodded when a coworker talked about god. Pretty recently actually.
I was in a meeting last week with someone who explained they were going through a difficult time in their life and they were only getting through it because of god. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t make a scene to keep the peace. Nobody wants an awkward workplace even though it’s already awkward for me. Just nod and smile.
Also, who wants to disappoint grandma?
I don’t want a confrontation. I don’t want to explain myself. I just want people to leave me be.
No matter how much my heart breaks, it is just easier to go along with it. Sometimes I speak my mind if I feel safe doing so, but that’s pretty rare.
I can’t be the only person doing this. I imagine that a lot of people nod along not wanting to stick out. I mean, how many people really are Christian? Does anyone truly believe in that anymore? Are we all just going along with it?
There’s got to be people like me – maybe even thousands or millions – who just don’t want to be ostracized. It’s just easier to pretend you agree so people will leave you alone.
Could you imagine if we could get an accurate head count of atheists in the US? There’s got to be so many more than we know.
How can we flip the narrative? Can we make a pact – if one of us speaks up we all do?
Does anyone else feel this way?
I live in a red state in the Midwest. It’s not ideal. I often feel like an outsider even though my family has lived here for generations.
Sometimes people ask, “Why don’t you move?” Usually, I would respond, “because this is my home” but lately I’ve been wondering if a change might be good.
It’s just a thought – a fleeting one at that.
I’ve been pretty staunch in telling people I’m not going anywhere. My family has been here since the mid-19th century (that’s a long time in the US) and I’m proud of that. Why would I want to go anywhere else?
But does this area today reflect my lifestyle, the things I believe in, and what I feel is important? Is there someplace that’s a better fit for my family?
I always say I want to make my home a better place. But is it worth the fight?
My family immigrated from Germany long ago so, at some point, my ancestors decided it was time for a change and came to the US.
Is it time for a change again?
I’m really curious to get your thoughts. How do you feel about where you live? Would you move if you had the chance? Where would you go?
Also, where do you think I should go? What place is welcoming to a progressive couple in their 40s with a young child? I’d love to hear your suggestions.
At this point, moving would be impossible financially speaking, but maybe it’s a thought I should keep in mind.
I’ve been through a lot of shit. We all have. I have been especially hard hit regarding mental health issues, but lately, many other stressors have been dominating my life. More responsibilities at work. Family conflict. Writing projects. Financial worries. You get the picture.
When I feel like I’m coming undone I usually turn to meditation with my mala beads. However, I feel I need some new ideas and I want to hear from you. How do you stay chill? Do you have a relaxing activity that you enjoy? Is there a breathing exercise that works for you? Budget-friendly ideas are a plus.
I’ve noticed I’m watching a lot of TV in my free time. I need to find a way to relax that doesn’t involve binge-watching shows on Prime and Netflix. While laying on the couch and watching TV can be very relaxing, it often comes with some guilt – like there are a million other things I could be doing. I know it’s okay to watch TV sometimes but this is too much and I feel it may be fueled by my recent bout of depression.
How do you relax yet stay motivated?
Another question – are you hopeful? Despite my mental health struggles, I’m usually a positive and optimistic person. It’s been waning a bit lately but I know it’s still inside me. I always feel something better is in the cards. Even on my darkest days, I realize that almost everything is temporary.
So tell me – how do you stay chill and hopeful?
I want to tell you about one of my saddest interactions with a religious person.
I have a friend that I grew up with. He was a pastor’s kid. We met in middle school and stayed friends throughout high school. We graduated and went our separate ways and I haven’t seen him since.
When Facebook came around we reconnected. I really enjoyed reading his posts and was genuinely interested in what he was up to. He was always very unique with a somewhat boisterous personality. I always thought he was a great guy.
A few years back he came out as gay on Facebook. He said he knows this about himself however, he will never act on it because it’s a sin.
I was dumbfounded. He isn’t allowed to fall in love? What kind of god won’t let you fall in love?
This friend works for a popular Christian attraction. (I don’t want to say what it is to protect his identity.) So I’m sure there is peer pressure.
The comments following the post were just as disturbing. There were many that said, “You’re such a good Christian!” I went from dumbfounded to pissed. I wanted to leave a comment. I thought for a while about what I might say but eventually decided not to say anything at all.
It’s his life and I need to let it go.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Do you know anyone who is openly gay but doesn’t act on it because it’s a sin? I think that would be such a horrible and difficult situation. Would you have commented on the post?
I was looking for some interesting writing prompts, and one particular blog post delivered: A Dozen Nonthreatening Journal Prompts on Faith for the Post-Religious, from Someone with an M.A. in Religion | by Amy Hartsough. I thought it would be fun to answer a few of her questions here.
Where does my true power come from?
True power comes from learning – from past experiences and interactions with others. I move forward either confident in what I already know or with a desire to learn more. Each experience builds from the last. I go into each new adventure with a lifetime of pain, joy, sorrow, and hope.
Do I have friends from different religious backgrounds? Do I want to?
This is a hard one. Most of the people I’m around are similar to me although my inner circle of loved ones is very small. Do I want friends from different religious backgrounds? Sure, as long as there’s some mutual respect regarding the topic. However, I don’t think they would be close friends.
Do I have a “sacred space” in or near my home? What does this space mean to me?
I would say the library. I’m at the library all the time – by myself to write but also with my daughter. In our community, the library is crucial. Toledo’s poverty is overwhelming and the library does everything it can to help out – including serving meals. Here everyone is welcome at the library and I can’t think of a space more sacred. To me, the library is peaceful and I am more productive there than anywhere else. To others, it’s a lifeline.
Do I have more faith or fear about the future?
Believe it or not, I actually have faith in the future. This might sound horrible, but I feel with the condition we are in now (politically, socially, etc.) we will eventually bottom out and as someone who works in mental health, I know rock bottom can bring drastic change. I feel we will soon hit a point where there’s nowhere to go but up. People talk about leaving the US and I don’t want to leave. This is my home and I want to make it a better place. I really do feel our situation will improve.
There are several more questions that I might take a stab at a later time. These were just the questions that jumped out at me first. I really enjoyed her prompts. I would love to read your answers to the questions! Do you agree or disagree with any of mine?
I wanted to post a little update on my writing projects.
Freethought House, the publisher of my poetry book, was also going to publish my memoir about mental illness, recovery, and atheism. However, they recently had two people resign and they are no longer able to move forward with my project. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it yet. Maybe break it up and post it here or maybe find another publisher.
I recently submitted two entries to a short story contest. I rarely write fiction but I really enjoyed working on my entries. I am now convinced that I should spend a little more time working on fiction. Winners will be announced on October 31st and I’m currently looking for more contests to enter.
Also, I will be submitting my erotic poetry book to a poetry collection competition later this month. I have been working on this book for a really long time and this is the kick in the butt I need to wrap it up.
I have been struggling with depression for the past few months and recently had a med change because of it. While I’m waiting for the meds to kick in, these writing contests seem to be the distraction that I need. I love to write and this is giving me something to work towards. I’m having a lot of fun with it.
As always, I am so grateful for your support. I will keep you all posted on my projects from time to time. Wish me luck with the contests!
I live in a red state in the Midwest so Christianity is hard to escape. You hear it everywhere – the workplace, standing in line at the grocery store, the doctor’s office, etc.
I once had an OBGYN reference the bible. That’s the last person I want preaching to me. You better believe that was my last appointment with her.
People bring up god openly and it is generally accepted. Christians around here aren’t afraid to talk – but I am and it pisses me off.
When I hear someone pushing religion it makes me really uncomfortable. I get angry and I can’t get it out of my head.
People tell me to let it go and be more accepting, but I can’t. It’s just not right. I can’t be the only one who feels uncomfortable, yet our voices go unheard.
Writing is my voice and sadly, the things I write on my blog I only discuss with my husband. The rest of the people in my personal life wouldn’t really be open to it.
But there is one exception. When I was promoting my poetry book, I spoke with many atheist and humanist groups. They were from all over and surprisingly, some were in my own backyard.
So I know I’m not alone – but how do I deal with the anger?
So many injustices and evils are rooted in religion so while someone saying “god is good” in the checkout lane may seem innocent, it really bothers me. How can something so wrong be so widely accepted?
So many Christians were just “raised that way” so maybe people truly don’t know what they’re supporting. Should I forgive their ignorance?
I know we are all humans just trying to get by but I also know the world would be a better place without religion. Even “innocent” comments out in the community perpetuate injustices and evils.
My anger is valid and justified but how do I keep it from eating me up inside?
Are you angry, too? How do you deal with it? Or maybe we can just commiserate together. Has anyone’s anger led to change? I would love to hear stories.
In my early twenties, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and an eating disorder – both of which I struggled with in childhood. I’ve had my ups and downs over the years but recovery remains an important part of my life. I’ve always been open about my struggles thinking I have nothing to hide, but it doesn’t always go as planned. Here are the downsides to being open about my mental illness:
When conflict arises, people assume I’m the problem because I’m the one with the mental illness, but it’s usually not true. They think I’m too sensitive or too crazy so they place all blame squarely on my shoulders instead of taking responsibility for their part.
I always feel I need to prove myself. I may have a schizophrenic disorder but I’m far from fragile. I have a full life and I can take on a lot. I assume people think I’m not capable. I feel the need to show the world what I can do – even though it’s probably not necessary.
People can be overly concerned and it makes me uncomfortable. I get annoyed when people ask me how I’m doing over and over again. I told you the first time, I’m fine. Don’t ask me about my therapy appointments because it’s none of your goddamn business. If I need help I’ll ask for it.
People see my illness – not me – and assume my feelings are symptoms. What I feel is valid – just as valid as the feelings of someone without a mental illness.
Being open about my mental illness has shown me I can’t depend on everyone – even loved ones. Not everyone has the capacity to be supportive and that really hurts sometimes. I’m learning to be more selective in who I trust.
It’s hard to be around other people who have unresolved issues and are unwilling to get help. I remember what that felt like and I’m not going back to that place. Of course, with everything I’ve been through I have an urge to help but I can’t save everyone. I have to focus on saving myself.
Despite these negative effects, I choose to continue to be open about my mental illness. My mental illness is a part of me and I feel I have a lot to offer the world. Dealing with people in my own life can be painful, but I hope one day my story will help others and that alone is worth it.