That One Teacher

I felt very awkward as a little kid. I had good friends that I ran around with, but I still felt shy and nervous. I grew up in a rural community and was very sheltered. I’ll be honest. I wasn’t always excellent in school. Sometimes I was interested, but a lot of times I wasn’t. 

But there’s always that one teacher – the one that makes you feel special, worthy, and accepted. For me, that was Ms. Murray.

In elementary school, I was placed in the gifted program which Ms. Murray ran. In this program, I was able to pursue the things I loved. I wrote stories. I composed music. I created art, and Ms. Murray was there every step of the way with her neverending encouragement. 

I wasn’t judged – I was understood – and that was something I wasn’t getting at home or in the community. My family made fun of me for being in the gifted program and it hurt.

With Ms. Murray, I could be different and it was actually celebrated. 

By the time I reached middle school, our school district had lost funding and the gifted program was cut. It really put a damper on my outlook and school became a huge chore I was stuck with for several more years until I could escape to college. 

But I never forgot Ms. Murray and the way she made me feel. She made me believe I could do great things and I carried that into adulthood.

So Ms. Murray, if you’re out there, thank you.

 

Who was your one teacher? I would love to hear your stories.

How often do you think about death?

Ready for a morbid post?

Life is never boring when you are constantly being observed by an inquisitive seven-year-old. This weekend my daughter asked us, “What’s the closest you’ve ever been to dying?”

I told her about a car accident I was in when I was a teenager. I was a very inexperienced driver – it was the morning after I got my driver’s license. I went around a bend and lost control on black ice. I nearly put my car in the river but a tree stopped me. My car landed mangled and on its side. I escaped through the passenger-side window. I walked away from the accident with very minor injuries but it could have easily been a lot worse. I have a scar on my chin because I was very petite and the seat belt didn’t fit me properly. 

My husband also responded with a car accident.

 

Kids are curious about everything, but how often do you think about death?

I have to admit, I think about death a lot more often than I used to. Last weekend was my 41st birthday. I don’t think I’m old, but I do find my health struggles very discouraging. Every weekend I sit down and pack out my meds for the following week. There are just that many. I always keep an updated list of my meds in my purse so I have it at every doctor’s appointment. I am simply on too many meds to reliably recite them by memory, and lately, I have had many changes in my meds. It’s hard not to think that I’m too young to be going through this.

The thing is, I’m actually doing a lot better. My ambition and motivation are coming back and I am more engaged with the people around me. Those have always been markers that I’m doing well in my recovery. Thankfully, my kidney functioning is also doing better. I am so grateful that I am finally feeling relief. I am in a good place now. 

When I came off of lithium due to kidney problems I almost immediately went manic, but what goes up must come down, and I eventually landed in some crushing depression. I had suicidal thoughts and they felt different than when I had suicidal thoughts in the past. In the past when I’ve been suicidal, I felt desperate, trapped, but also subdued and sluggish. This time I felt anxious and panicky. I was afraid I would get impulsive and just do it. These thoughts actually caused a physical reaction. I would get hot and my heart would race. I’ve never felt anything like it.

I was honest with my husband and doctor about my suicidal thoughts. It was really hard and I was reluctant, but I was aware that it was a symptom of my mental illness. Thankfully the thoughts were fleeting and they went away after a few med adjustments. 

The past few months have been absolutely grueling both physically and mentally and I think it would have been odd if I didn’t think about death. Not only due to suicidal thoughts but also kidney failure is serious. My grandpa died of kidney failure although he was much, much older than me. 

I want to share a poem I wrote several months back — prior to my most recent health struggles. It always gets a big reaction from my husband every time he reads it, but it happens to be one of my favorite poems that I’ve ever written.

 

The Conclusion

 

It’s unforgiving and final –
the conclusion of your story.
You hope to slip into the darkness
unscathed and ready
but your end is unpredictable.

Each day brings you closer to your goodbyes –
if a goodbye can even be said at all.
Your memory lingers at first
but time passes and everyone must move on
without you.

Savor every connection a little more
because your demise is always just around the corner.
Not every finale is grand
but we all end up the same –
crumbling into nothingness.

Say what you need to say
before the silence
and don’t look back
because your countdown
has already begun.

 

I feel I should end this post with a resource – the suicide and crisis lifeline. If you or a loved one is struggling, you can call or text 988 for help. Feelings are temporary and worthwhile and practical help is available. We are never alone.

Let’s entertain my daughter’s question. If you are comfortable sharing, what’s the closest you’ve ever been to death? How often do you think about death?

Are you patriotic? How do you feel about the military?

I live in the States where people tend to be pretty patriotic. Flags everywhere. Pledge of Allegiance said in schools. National anthem playing at events and at noon on country radio stations, etc.

But that isn’t really me. (Although I do like country music.)

I think there are some great things about living in America, but there are a lot of not-so-great things, too. I really hate the “Arrogant American”, especially the one who has never left the country and doesn’t know anything else. I’ve studied abroad and it opened my eyes. I realized we have a lot to learn.

I’m bringing this up for two reasons. One – Veteran’s Day is Saturday and I’ve never understood why our military is so celebrated. It seems strange to idolize soldiers and celebrate war. Why do we still see modern military campaigns as a sacrifice for our freedom? I just don’t get it. 

When I was younger and knew people joining the military it was because they didn’t know what they wanted to do with their life and the military helps you with college/career training. It wasn’t because they wanted to make the ultimate sacrifice and die for their country.

And two – I was playing around with some new markers on Sunday and made a very vibrant drawing that I can’t stop staring at. It’s kind of mesmerizing. As my husband and I were looking at it, we realized it looked patriotic. It was weird and kind of made us chuckle. It wasn’t intentional. 

Here is the drawing:

I apologize if this post offends anyone, but it’s truly coming from a place of confusion. I would love to hear your viewpoint on why Americans feel the way they do about the military.

Update: Happy Halloween and Some Creepy Flowers

I am feeling a lot better and hoping that this is the light at the end of the tunnel. I worked every day I was scheduled last week.

While I haven’t been writing much, I did spend the last few days drawing some pretty creepy flowers — enjoy!


I hope you all had a nice Halloween! I’m not sure which was more exciting to my daughter – the candy or the snow.

Did you do anything to celebrate?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have a wonderful weekend! I will write more soon!

Update: I’m still here!

I apologize for the lack of posts. I am still dealing with health issues and haven’t been able to do much. I’ve missed a lot of work and it has been hard trying to make any progress on art and writing projects. 

Last weekend my family took a little overnight getaway and it was a distraction I desperately needed. I’ve been to work twice so far this week and today I felt really good. 

The last few months have been grueling but right now I am trying to rest and stay patient while my medications get figured out. 

I will write more soon as I get my life back on track. Thank you for your kindness and support.

The Worse Relapse I’ve Ever Had and the Start of My Comeback Story

As I posted several days ago, I recently suffered kidney failure which was most likely caused, or contributed to, by years of taking lithium. Lithium has been a major part of my treatment for schizoaffective disorder, but given my current health situation, I had to stop taking it. This led to the worst relapse I’ve ever had. I’ll be honest, I was pretty scared.

I have started a new medication to replace the lithium, and am feeling a ton better. Since medications can be a trial-and-error process, I might not be out of the woods quite yet, but so far so good.

The last few weeks have been grueling both mentally and physically, and I want to share my story. Mental illness is so common, and I hope others can see the light at the end of the tunnel like I have.

A little about the symptoms of my relapse…

My thoughts were rapid-fire snippets. I’m normally not much of a talker, but I just couldn’t shut up. I randomly switched from topic to topic and could laugh and cry in the same sentence. Through all of my rambling, I kept telling my husband, “I’m still in here!” 

It was exhausting – an up-and-down rollercoaster ride. I felt confused, a little disoriented, and out of control. It was like I had symptoms of depression and mania at the same time which I had never experienced before. I also had a few panic attacks – another first for me – and it was absolutely terrifying.

I got to a point where I let my hygiene go. I smelled, I couldn’t remember the last time I washed my hair or my body, and I apologized to my husband for my sasquatch legs (although he really didn’t care). 

A little confession – It was kind of funny because I wasn’t sleeping and I was writing blog posts in the wee morning hours, but I was too afraid to post anything in case it didn’t make sense. I was aware that I was symptomatic. Unfortunately, I did embarrass myself on social media and am now in damage-control mode. It hurt but the only thing I can do now is look back with a sense of humor.

When I started to feel better, it felt like a fog had been lifted, like the last few weeks were a dream and never really happened. I’m not quite 100 percent yet, but I’m getting there. I plan on returning to work this week.

The Wonderful People in My Life

My relapse was embarrassing because most people in my life now have never seen me so symptomatic – including my husband. I have been on medication for twenty years and for the most part, they’ve done a good job of managing my symptoms.

Despite this being a new experience for him, my husband was amazing – nothing but patient and supportive – and my daughter made me laugh easing the pain and heaviness of the situation.

My daughter is only seven, and while I don’t think she totally grasped what was going on, I still felt guilty. Part of me was hoping my daughter wouldn’t remember this when she’s older, but let’s face it, she probably will. I can only hope that this will be a lesson in resilience. When you need help, help is available, and it is so important to value and respect our minds and bodies.

I couldn’t function and missed quite a bit of work. I was already low on PTO, so if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. Ouch.

But I want to talk a little about my work. I work for the most amazing organization and my boss and coworkers have been nothing but kind, understanding, and accommodating. I am so inspired by the people I work with – both staff and clients. I have worked in direct care in the mental health field for seventeen years, and have had so many different experiences. Currently, I work as a peer supporter and art teacher for a local mental health organization. I have seen people struggle and seen people heal. I appreciate the people who have shared their personal stories with me as well as those who have listened to my story. Sometimes you can form the most powerful connection during your darkest hour.

Obviously, my psychiatrist and therapist have been invaluable, but I have to admit while being stuck at home, our kitties and guinea pigs have been pretty good therapy, too. It’s really amazing the emotional connection you can form with your pets. It’s like they know when you’re down, and by wanting attention, they are also giving you attention.

Making My Comeback

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. It might sound weird to say I feel like myself by putting chemicals in my body, but taking medication to treat my mental illness is all I’ve known for half of my life.

This whole experience just reinforces how important it is to take care of yourself. I got the help I needed and now I’m ready to move forward. I am so grateful for all the kindness and support I have been shown both on and offline. I am one very fortunate woman.

 

If you’re up for it, I would love to hear your own recovery story – from whatever it may be. Let’s connect with our darkness and be inspired by our light.

The Cost of Keeping Our Bellies Full

I was a little iffy about writing this post since I struggle with an eating disorder and often try to avoid the subject of food, but this topic is definitely worth discussing and I could use some new ideas.

Let me start by reiterating something I’ve learned in recovery – there are no good or bad foods. It’s just important to eat a variety to get what you need. This is something I’m trying to work on, but it’s difficult when money is tight.

Is it even possible to spend less than 200 dollars on your weekly grocery trip anymore? Many weeks we spend more than that.

What’s worse is my husband and I don’t like to cook. I tried so hard to cook after I left treatment, but it’s just not something I’m into. Maybe I’m a little lazy but I don’t like the process or hassle, and I definitely don’t like the pile of dirty dishes after dinner. Sometimes I’ll cook simple things like spaghetti, a roast in the crockpot, or hot dogs. I think one of my favorite simple meals to make is taco salad. 

This means my husband and I depend a lot on take-out and delivery. Pizza once a week. We are also familiar faces at the nearby Chinese restaurant and Subway. As much as I want to eat a variety, unfortunately, when we’re struggling, fast food is the cheaper option. I know there’s nothing wrong with eating fast food, but when choices are limited, it can get old pretty quickly. 

The price of different foods leaves me flabbergasted. There’s a grocery store next to the office where I work, and I walk over there every day to grab something to drink. I often buy a twenty-four-ounce bottle of Faygo pop for just a dollar, but when I want to switch it up with flavored sparkling water, it comes in a much smaller fancy glass bottle and is nearly three dollars. I don’t understand why water is more expensive than pop and why does it have to come in a fancy bottle? What’s up with that?

Even produce is expensive when we go to Kroger. Bananas and grapes for my daughter’s lunch box. Romaine, basil, carrots, and yellow bell peppers for our two guinea pigs, Nibbles and Nugget. (Have you ever had a guinea pig? They are eating and pooping machines!) Watermelon and sweet corn are definitely family favorites when they’re in season. But why does it cost so much?

It’s no secret that people struggle where we live. In desperate times, my husband and I have had to visit the food pantry at our daughter’s school. The food at the pantry isn’t the most appetizing but it doesn’t matter. You do what you gotta do and I am grateful for their help. This is very common where we live. Even the school’s parent’s page on Facebook lists locations and times of local food pantries. I love this community because maybe we’re struggling, but we also help each other out.

My daughter’s school offers free breakfast, most of the kids qualify for free or reduced school lunches, and after school kids can go to the library a block away from the school and get a free sandwich, fruit, and milk for dinner. The library offers food to every single kid who walks in – no questions asked.

My daughter is a picky eater and we always pack her lunch, and when we can we send her to school with extra food – extra packs of Goldfish and fruit snacks and an extra applesauce – so she can give it to her friends if they want it or need it.

With the cost of food where it is, do you guys have any money-saving tips or very simple, cheap meal ideas to share? I’m sure the real solution is to overthrow the capitalist pigs that run this country, but does anyone have any ideas in the meantime?

A little health update…I am on a new medication and there is now a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s like a fog has been lifted and for the first time in a few weeks, I have a clear head. I am not 100 percent yet, but I’m getting there. I will post more about it soon.

Update: When It Works So Well Until It Doesn’t

I apologize for my absence.

I have been on lithium for years and years to treat my schizoaffective disorder, but it may have negatively impacted my kidney functioning so I had to stop taking it. Lithium was probably the medication I depended on the most, and while my doctor is working hard to find something to replace it, I’m not going to lie – I’m pretty scared to go without it. All I’ve been doing for the last few weeks is lying around the house and going to doctor’s appointments, and I really, really hate it. I just have to keep telling myself that this isn’t for forever. I think through this experience I’ve developed a healthy respect for my medications because while all of my medications help me and give me a somewhat normal life, I am still putting chemicals in my body, which can have some nasty effects. I will not stop taking my medications – I know I need them – but I never want to go through this again.

I’m trying to get back in the swing of things by submitting my art to a gallery in Cleveland later this week. It might just be the motivation I need.

I will be posting again soon. Thank you for all of your support.

How do you show empathy to someone who has wronged you?

How do you go from viewing someone as malicious to seeing them as a person in pain?

How do you move past anger?

This is more for me than them.

I want to be able to walk away from people and situations in my life and feel peace. I don’t want to hate anyone for the damage they’ve caused because they are in just as much pain as I am.

How someone treats others directly reflects how they feel about themselves – the whole “hurt people hurt people” thing. But that’s hard to keep in mind when you’re on the receiving end of mistreatment.

How do you protect yourself and keep moving forward when you are also a hurt person?

An even better question – As a hurt person, how do you prevent hurting others in the way you were hurt?

Giving myself distance has done wonders for my growth and recovery, but is it really to right answer? On the other hand, how much is a person expected to tolerate? I hate the phrase “keep the peace” because usually, that’s not peaceful for anyone.

It’s a tough realization to see that you have so much in common with the person who wronged you.

I don’t want to be like them. It’s really motivation to take care of myself, be present, appreciate the supportive people in my life, and respect the world around me. I’m trying my best and I wish the same for them.

Through therapy, I am learning to become a more empathetic and introspective person, and this blog has been a part of my growth. I always appreciate your support and feedback. I learn so much from you and I feel a sense of validation knowing others can relate. I often feel powerless, but here I have a voice.

Coming from a red state in the Midwest, Freethought Blogs is the only place where I am surrounded by like-minded people – even if it is just online.

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your stories. Can you relate? Have you been in a similar situation?

 

Also, I am dealing with some mental health issues and medication changes right now, so if I take a little break or post something weird, that’s what’s going on.

Misfit

Misfit

 

Rejected before first contact –
I remain in my own world
isolated by choice.

Safe.
Protected.
Lonely.

My brain is swimming
in muck and confusion –
vulnerable words to a fault.

I don’t live in stability
but rather a fleeting reality.
My comfort wanes
as opportunities tick by.

Seasons change
when I’m willing to venture out
but most days, my fear holds me back.

Powerless.
Tired.
Forgotten.

Ridicule doesn’t exist
if I don’t open my mouth –
a fortress of lipstick and secrets.

My smile is my armor
and every day is a battle.
I don’t want to be a soldier
but this is a fight for survival.

Shots fired.
Confidence gone.
Retreat.