Yesterday was supposed to be a pretty busy day for me – work, a doctor’s appointment in the afternoon, a playdate with my daughter and her best friend, and finally a writing workshop later at night.
But I just crumbled. I ended up spending most of the day at home.
I have always been easily overwhelmed. I don’t know if my mental illness is to blame, or maybe it’s just my temperament, but you can see how it gets in the way of my life.
I try my best to stay organized, thinking it will ease my worries. I carry an old-school planner everywhere I go and write everything down. For some reason, things feel more concrete and official to me if I write them down instead of putting them on my phone. Also, it feels pretty good to write a little checkmark next to the tasks as you complete them, but on the other hand, it feels pretty shitty to look at a packed and cluttered planner knowing you didn’t do anything all day.
Why does it feel like ambition and anxiety go hand-in-hand? There’s so much I want to do but sometimes it’s pretty clear that I can’t handle it all. Even what some would consider a “normal day” can be too much.
To be honest, it’s easy to place blame on my mental illness. But whether you have a diagnosis or not, you have to work with what you’ve got, and oh, how I wish I could turn a broken brain into a superpower. I’ve always been ambitious, and I don’t want to just get by or pass for “normal”. I want to stand out but in a good way. How do I harness this nervous energy for good?
When I actually get through a day completing all of my tasks, it’s a huge confidence booster. I still don’t feel 100 percent since my relapse – I’m still sometimes up and down – but I don’t always know when to give myself gentleness and grace or a kick in the butt.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Do you sometimes shut down like me? What do you do to get your motivation back?
Breathe. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, step back and take some deep breaths.
I really get the tension between knowing you’re not 100% healthy but worrying about using illness as an excuse to be lazy. I am legally disabled in both brain and body,* and I’m always hesitating between telling myself that I’m doing the best I can, and chastising myself for being lazy when there are others who seem to be in worse shape who are more productive. The last three days have been bad and I really don’t feel like moving, but tomorrow’s trash day and there isn’t a clean dish in the house, and I don’t have a maid.
As for stress, I usually just disengage. My only “plan” for the future is that I am not going to let myself grow old, and at most I only have to wait until my mother dies to, shall we say, complete my life.
*I’m a materialist but also American, so even if I didn’t let myself forget that the brain is just another part of the body, the government and medical system don’t work that way.
I am legally disabled in both brain and body,* and I’m always hesitating between telling myself that I’m doing the best I can, and chastising myself for being lazy when there are others who seem to be in worse shape who are more productive.
But your attitude is kinda the opposite of disabled.
As is your perception.
As is your self-awareness.
Kudos.
And respect.
I tend to run around doing nothing when I feel that overwhelmed . I’ll pick up a dish to wash it , put it down, go water the plants; get the water and put it down; go put on the teakettle and leave it on never getting the tea. Etc etc etc Tuesday was like that. I’ve learned to just stop trying to do anything logical and do something creative: Dance,draw, paint, quilt any so called “right brained” activity etc . It means I’m too stressed to think so I DON’T think. I’ll do this any time from 15 minutes to 6 hours. It calms me down and then I just do the tasks. Luckily this rarely hits me when I’m at work. But if it’s really bad I’ll have to call in sick which also is rare, thank God! It happened a lot during the pandemic due to extreme anxiety!
First of all, you’re working, managing a household, and raising a child. Those are a lot of things.
Like you, I also keep a written to-do list and it’s an adrenaline and endorphin boost when I go through it. If you find yourself lacking the energy to finish more, make a note on your to-do list that you ran out of energy/motivation/give-a-darn-ness. Save your lists and see if you find a pattern–e.g. on Tuesdays you never get done all you planned.
I do something lethally dangerous, which requires my close attention.