Pörhistää.
Pörhistää is Finnish for fluffing or puffing out feathers or hair. This picture is from Xmas Eve afternoon in 2017 and the place is the passage to Kaivopiha inner courtyard, just across the street from the Helsinki Central Railway Station, a very central location. At some other time it would have been much more crowded with humans, but at that time the pigeon couple were quite free to claim the place.
Click for full size!
© Ice Swimmer, all rights reserved.
From Nightjar, click for full size!
© Nightjar, all rights reserved.
Skye – Not Broken. Lyrics under the fold.
Bzzzzzzzzzz from Giliell, click for full size!
© Giliell, all rights reserved.
From Giliell, click for full size!
© Giliell, all rights reserved.
Howard Chandler Christy’s Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.
Jerome Corsi has been opining about how overwhelmed he is, it’s just so much work exposing non-existent satanic pedophiles and “red-pilling” people. In the midst of his rant, I was caught by one odd thing. Odd to me, at least.
“The corruption, the evil of devoting yourself to Lucifer ends up in satanic sacrifices, children abused, human rights kidnapping, just incredible human torment, torture, snuff films,” Corsi said. “The evil depths and corners of this are so abhorrent to me, and should be to every right-thinking American, that we need to expose this, we need to bring it out, we need to show it the light of day despite how many people it’s going to be disturbing to.”
“Those of us who are going to know every aspect of it are ourselves going to have to pray to God that we come out not so damaged that we become somewhat dysfunctional,” he added. “We are going to have to make sure that we pray and approach this with the light of God and the help of God in order to get through this crisis.”
“These days, I am overwhelmed with hundreds of emails and I barely have time to function,” Corsi said, wearily. “But I can’t sleep thinking that there may be one more radio show, one more opportunity to get the word out, one more mind to red pill. That’s what drives me is the desire to serve God and to have the Constitution of the United States restored to its rightful position.”
Personally, I think Corsi is already dysfunctional. Anyroad, what caught me was the line about having the constitution restored to its rightful position. It has a position? What might that position be? It’s very strange to be talking about a document as if it were a person…is there a little constitution throne somewhere? A nice, little flat crown? Asshole christians and conservatives already damn near worship the thing, they talk about it constantly, or at least bits of it. I’ll admit, I’m a bit confused about just what this rightful position might be.
Herein is a litany of complaint. If you could do with less whine in your life, skip this one.
Friable. That’s me. I have reached the I just don’t fucking care point. I feel so beaten down, and each beating is worse than the last, and like any beaten animal, I just wait with dulled eyes for the next blow to land. Part of this is the chemo, but it’s the pegfilgrastim (aka neulasta) which last strawed me. I had been told about bone pain, and possibly flu like symptoms with the neulasta. I did get random bone pain, but that wasn’t really bothersome. What happened in my case was all my back muscles seized up and went into full cramp. Then they stayed that way. Still that way. Imagine your whole back being one big charley horse. I talked about some of this in this thread, it’s hard to describe, but it makes moving seriously painful. The motor problems from the oxali haven’t gone away, and the neulasta seems to have done some amplifying, along with giving me a very bad shake. All of which are not good when it comes to drawing and painting. I can’t even turn a brush anymore, a life long habitual movement. On top of everything, the butt pain has come back, and I doubt that’s any kind of good sign.
The chemo brain is worse, too. My startle response is through the roof, because I’m not making the connection from sound to recognition. Usually, you hear a sound, auto-recognise it, and consign it to background or investigation. Everything I hear now has me jumping out of my skin. I’ve been saying all the wrong things to people, ended up being thoughtless and stupid, and while I never meant that in any way, intent isn’t magic, and I got responses I fully deserved. My ability to parse social cues, never what you’d call brilliant, is almost completely gone. Every time I fuck things up, I spend days on end crying and basically falling the fuck apart, and when I try to apologize, I manage to make it all worse. I figure it’s perhaps best to not say much these days. At least that way I won’t upset anyone.
Then there are all the little weird things. On Friday, I stepped out on my back deck to take a photo, and was sitting on a step. I shifted, and found myself screaming because it felt like I’d been stung by a wasp, even while a tiny, still functional part of my brain recognised there’s still snow all over, so no wasps. I checked my foot, it was fine, it had made fleeting contact with a piece of fucking ice. Ice, and I’m outside, screaming. It’s all so damned absurd.
And the fatigue. I can’t even characterise it. What’s levels past bone deep? I sleep, it’s never enough. Constantly, thoroughly chilled these days, even walking into another room in my house. I can’t stay long, and have to get back in front of a space heater. And it won’t stop snowing here. Sometimes, a person can get the feeling that Fate is having a good time fucking them around. My hair has gotten very thin indeed, and I’m losing a fair amount of it. That’s not helping.
On Tuesday, I get round 5 of chemo and pegfilgrastim on Thursday. Usually, the week before the next cycle is a good one, because you’ve mostly recovered from the chemo; not happening this time. I feel like shit, and back we are to I just don’t fucking care. I don’t care what anyone wants to do, just fucking do it so I can get the fuck out of this.
I do realize that none of this is remotely encouraging to anyone who is going into treatment, but my experience so far is just that, mine. Everyone is different, and there’s no way to tell what side effects might hit you the hardest, or what agents for that matter. The pegfilgrastim is a much meaner agent in me than the 5-fluorouracil or oxaliplatin. It’s quite likely it’s the other way around for a lot of people in treatment. Treatment is Sisyphean in nature, you shove that effing boulder up and up, and there’s someone at the top to send you tumbling down again, until the day you get to the top, and you get to stay. It’s that day you have to focus on. After tomorrow, three more cycles, then I get to move on to radiation. This is going to be one long year.
Omaisuus.
Omaisuus is Finnish for property. The juvenile gulls are fighting fiercely over the ownership of a fish (looks like a perch). The adult gull is looking over from the side. At times the adult joined the melee and in the end when the fight moved to dry land, the adult managed to pick up the fish from the ground and fly away. Sadly, I couldn’t get good shots of all the the three in fight or the adult flying away.
Click for full size!
© Ice Swimmer, all rights reserved.
From Nightjar, click for full size!
© Nightjar, all rights reserved.
From Giliell, click for full size!
© Giliell, all rights reserved.
From Giliell, click for full size!
© Giliell, all rights reserved.
Great Again: Restoring Faith In America from EverBright Media on Vimeo. WARNING: if you’re going to watch, turn your sound waaaaaaay down. The initial blast of horns could cause a heart attack.
Mike Huckabee has a ‘free’ dvd for you, featuring time traveling kids who learn about how “god” founded Amerikka. I think all the lunatic christians should be made to take the citizenship test for this country, they would all fail miserably, then we could kick them out. If you’re in the mood for godawful glurge, it’s all here.