In a BREAKING exclusive from The Beaverton, we have received completely totally accurate data on Canadians’ plans for election day!
OTTAWA – A recent survey has revealed that 9 out of every 10 Canadians will spend the entirety of November 8 experiencing a moderate to severe panic attack, manifesting itself in curling into a ball and mumbling ‘this isn’t happening’ over and over again.
“In 2012 I got together with some friends and we had a lot of fun live tweeting Obama’s re-election,” said Shanique Balewa of Winnipeg. “But this year I think I’m just going to sit in a dark room with trembling hands as I constantly refresh CNN on my phone.”
“That or just take a bunch of ambien and hope my nightmares are not as bad as the real world nightmare we may be about to experience,” she added.
From coast to coast, millions of Canadians advised of similar “rocking/moaning” plans. There were variations – some planned to constantly call friends and repeatedly ask, “Trump can’t possibly win right?”, while others intended to never say the name, relying on the Macbeth/Voldemort principal. Still the central activity of holding yourself close to prevent thinking about the horrible, shockingly likely, possibility remained a constant.
“Huhhh, ohhhhh, huhhh, ohhhhh, ohhhh man, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, please no. Tell me this isn’t happening,” said Simon Donahue of Fredericton as he entered into his fifth straight hour of shaking.
The nation’s therapists have reported efforts to calm Canadian’s election anxiety, though many note that upon discussing the source of patients’ fears, the mental health professionals joined the 90% and commenced panicking.
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Trudeau admitted to Canadians that, like most of them, he also plans to spend November 8th “freaking the eff out”. Sources in the PMO say this stems not only from fears of actually having to work with a the former reality TV host, but frustration over how a Trump Presidency would derail the PM’s plans to break the internet again by posting a “#feminist selfie” with Hillary.
The survey also revealed that the remaining 10% of Canadians were offering to e-mail in some YouTube videos that showed Hillary was just as bad.
Thanks for this BREAKING NEWS, Beaverton.
[I laughed in a “haha too real” kind of way. In case it wasn’t obvious: The Beaverton is a satire site]