What are you working on?

Sorry for the lack of posts this week. Do you remember when I was working on my memoir? I decided to take another look at it after setting it aside for over a year. I’m pretty excited about it. That’s where my focus has been for the past week.

After my book, “Free to Roam: Poems from a Heathen Mommy” was released in 2021, Freethought House started working on publishing my memoir. However, Freethought House is no longer in business so the project fell through.

It is my goal now to clean up the manuscript and find another publisher. I had already done quite a bit of developmental edits with Freethought House which I think will be very helpful.

Wish me luck!

What projects are you guys working on? Inspire me! 🙂

New Poem — “Stay”

Stay

Past accolades faded.
Uncertainty reigns.
I never thought I’d be here
frail, fragile, forgotten.

I crave neverending hope.
I want support
but my steady strength
must come from within. 

Play a part until it becomes reality.
Darkness clings to my heels
but my outstretched arms
reach for a dying glimmer of light.

Unforgiving winds of doubt
pushed me down to a cruel, frigid earth,
and it has taken everything I have
to rise from the scattered debris. 

Silence and tears stall and pollute
but rage propels.
My words revealed the intentions
no one wanted to hear. 

Knock me down all you want;
I still want to see what happens.
I can crash and still burn bright
in the eyes of potential.

The sky tumbles
but I still have two feet on the ground,
stock in love,
and a hunger to fight.

The next day, the next hour –
the future’s in a fog but it doesn’t matter.
Time ticks by slowly
but it’s on my side.

Concrete isn’t solid
when your universe is inside-out
but a lifeline emerged
when I decided to stay.

Is it enough to just exist?

Get up. Take my daughter to school. Go to work. Come home. Sit in front of the TV. Go to bed. Repeat.

I. Want. More.

Is it possible to live a happy life in a simple routine? Is it enough to just exist and not want more? 

Sometimes I need to tell myself to calm my ass down. Sometimes my husband has to tell me that, too. I get bored easily and it’s never good. I feel guilty when I’m not actively working on something. I tend to be one of those “you only live once” people and just go for it. The clock of mortality is ticking.

But it’s okay to just sit and not do anything sometimes, right?

When I get in a funk, I don’t know whether to rest or give myself a kick in the butt. It’s really a fine line. In that moment, is it enough to just exist? I’ve had a rough year, especially health-wise, to the point where I was forced to “just exist”. The guilt and helplessness have been overwhelming.

I often hear the affirmation, “I am enough” and I understand that humans have inherent worth, but if you don’t want anything else, do you feel like you lack a purpose? Do we need a purpose? Does being an atheist affect your thoughts on having a purpose?

I’m sometimes envious of people who took a more traditional path – like things sometimes fall in place for people. I’m also jealous of people who can just be happy with what they have.

Is a simple life possible? Can you be happy in a routine? Would you even want a simple life? With everything going on in the universe, can you feel happy with your insignificance? 

Maybe I’m making too many assumptions here. Maybe no one has a simple life and you all are asking just as many questions as I am.

How do you feel? Do you have a routine? Are you happy with it? Is it possible to not want anything else?

Dr. Darrel Ray’s Presentation on Religious Trauma and How It Affects Your Brain

I just wanted to share a link to the Kansas City Oasis program this morning. Dr. Ray gave a really fascinating presentation on religious trauma and how it affects your brain. He also gives some really good resources at the end. You can check it out here. It is a recording of a Facebook live event.

Update: If you don’t have Facebook try this link. Click the “X” on the sign-in pop-up and you should be able to watch the video.

My Annual “I Hate Christmas” Post/Share Your Secular Holiday Traditions Here!

Last year I watched my next-door neighbor march all her pumpkins out to the trash can bright and early on November 1st. Later that day she had her Christmas lights up. I just watched out the window and chuckled.

I’m sure our neighbors are cringing this year because it’s December 1st and we still have Halloween inflatables in our front yard. My husband keeps saying he will take them down but at this point, I think we should just throw some Santa hats and scarves on them. 

I’m always irritable at this time of year. I really hate Christmas. The Christmas shit in the stores. The Christmas music playing everywhere. The crowds. It’s the most annoying holiday. But that’s the thing…it’s a holiday. It’s supposed to be one day but instead, it starts in October and lasts until New Year. You just can’t escape.

What’s hard is my daughter is now seven and she’s really getting into Christmas. A couple of nights ago, she wanted to build a “winter house” so we cut up an Amazon box to look like an open dollhouse. She made a Christmas tree, presents, and a reindeer from some of the cardboard scraps from the dollhouse. She’s a very creative kid but Christmas just keeps creeping up all the time.

She asked me yesterday if we can “finally” get a Christmas tree. My husband and I didn’t put up a Christmas tree until our daughter turned three. That year we broke down and bought one and my daughter decorated it with her hairbows. Her idea. Like I said, she’s a pretty creative kid. I guess it’s about time to put one up. I just wasn’t going to do it before Thanksgiving. 

My daughter also still believes in Santa. I’ve always been iffy on the whole Santa bit. When I was little and found out the Santa wasn’t real I was mad that all the adults in my life had been lying to me.

We did buy our daughter a Pokemon advent calendar. She’s obsessed with Pokemon and she was excited to open the first little door today. It was kind of fun.

Anyway, the point of this post is I want to hear how you celebrate Christmas when you can’t get away from it. How do you keep it secular? How do you keep it joyful for your kids when you are irritable and annoyed at a religious holiday that unfortunately lasts for two months? Please share your secular Christmas traditions!

Sensory Overload: Why is the world so loud? (plus some fun news)

Thanksgiving was hard. I meditated and tried to get my head in a good place before leaving to go see family, but once we arrived I found it very difficult to be around a larger group of people. The noise and overlapping conversations were so overwhelming that my anxiety shot through the roof. My hands were shaking so badly that food was falling off my fork. When I finally finished eating I retreated to another, quieter room fighting back tears. It was rough but I don’t think anyone noticed. 

As I’ve mentioned before I get overwhelmed pretty easily. I do have ways to cope with it – usually with meditation or by taking a break from the situation – but I felt this instance was particularly difficult. Maybe it was because it was the first time I was around a large group of people since my relapse and starting a new medication.

I’ve always been sensitive to noise. I don’t know why but my coworkers are really loud. When we have all-staff meetings or get-togethers it becomes very boisterous and I find myself in the same situation I was in at Thanksgiving – overwhelmed and fighting back tears.

Does anyone else feel this way? Why does everyone have to be so loud?

This has prompted me to try a new way to cope. I ordered a pair of earplugs that buffer sound instead of blocking it out. I want to find a way to not be overwhelmed while also not completely disengaging. I think in certain situations they might be helpful although I am a little worried about offending people. Maybe with my messy, curly hair, no one will notice that I’m wearing them.

Does anyone have any other suggestions? Do you deal with any sensory sensitivity? How do you cope?

Now my fun news: I found a local shop to sell my artwork. I am taking my flower paintings there after the holidays when they decorate their showroom for spring. I’m really excited about it! It’s always nerve-racking to put yourself out there but at the same time, I’m proud of my work. I’m trying not to get my hopes up but a little extra money would be nice. 

Fellow artists, tell me what you’re up to!

Would you rather feel happy or feel deeply?

It’s easy for me to write this post right now because, at the moment, I feel pretty good. 

Would you rather feel happy or feel deeply? Is one more important than the other?

Happy would be the easy choice, but at times, wouldn’t you want to experience all life has to offer? Good, bad, and painful?

Would intensity matter? Like happiness just wouldn’t be as happy if you didn’t also feel darkness and despair sometimes?

I often get a sort of “high” at work. I love my job. Many days I feel truly happy there and I don’t want that feeling to end. It’s a very welcome feeling in my life right now since I’ve struggled so much in the past few months. During my recent relapse, I even wondered if I would ever work again, but here I am, truly enjoying my job. It’s so wonderful.

What would it be like to have that feeling all the time?

My husband is usually a very calm person, but boy, does he get fired up about politics. I absolutely love that compassionate, do good-er side of him that wants to make the world a better place. What would it be like to never get fired up? Doesn’t it give us a purpose? What if there was nothing to get fired up about?

It’s probably pretty obvious that I feel deeply and tend to be a more complicated person. On my worst days, I yearn for a simpler life, although I’m sure many people can relate to that feeling. Do you ever feel that way?

Most days I would rather feel deeply, although some days I would choose happy because some days are so painful you just want relief. I wonder why I would ever want to feel such pain. 

Are you happy? Do you feel deeply? Is one more important than the other? Is it necessary to feel deeply to truly feel happy? Is it important to have something to get “fired up” about? Do you think about these things or do I just need more to do?

Do you like being depended upon?

We are an animal-loving family. Five cats: Stachey, Sasha, Emmy, Jax, and Nina, and two guinea pigs: Nibbles and Nugget. I love taking care of our pets. I seem to be the one in charge of the guinea pigs. They chirp and chitter when I walk past their cage and give an insistent “wheek! wheek! wheek!” every time they hear me open the door to the fridge. I just think it’s the sweetest thing. I even like cleaning their cage and filling their hay feeder. I just love caring for them. So technically they’re my daughter’s guinea pigs but I still feel like I’m their person.

Our kitties get the run of the house and are truly a part of the family. They get dry food during the day and every night they gather in the kitchen and my husband gives each one a special plate of wet food and treats. My husband is definitely their favorite.

Pets are completely dependent on their humans and I really enjoy that responsibility. In this certain way, I really like being depended upon.

Another way I like being depended upon is that our house is filled with plants. One of my favorite things is to buy sad-looking plants at the grocery store or Costco and nurse them back to health. I’ve even bought half-dead plants at garage sales before. It’s really exciting to me to watch them grow.

You might think this is a weird post because I am a mother. I have the ultimate dependent – a child. I was filled with anxiety when I became a mother thinking I was not nurturing enough for the job. Being a parent is such a heavy responsibility and in the back of my mind, I always think I’m going to fuck it up. Can I trust myself to do it right? So much anxiety…

I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I don’t always like the thought of having a whole other person depending on me. I think a lot of parents actually like that feeling – to know that they are absolutely needed – but for me, it’s kind of scary.

My husband is the most dependable person I know. Not only are we raising our daughter together, but he became more of a caregiver during my health struggles. In this house, we all depend on him. I’ve never actually asked him if he enjoys that role, but maybe I should. He’s always so loving, calm, and patient. 

I hope he can depend on me as well.

How do you feel when you know people/pets/things depend on you? Does it make you anxious? Do you enjoy the responsibility? Do you take pride in it? Is there ever a time when you would rather not be depended upon?

Interesting Toy Shopping — Should I be offended?

My daughter was at her grandpa’s house tonight so my husband and I took advantage of our child-free time to do some holiday shopping. We went to Target and went straight to the toys. Look what we found in the doll aisle:

That’s a Dyson toy vacuum cleaner and a toy shopping cart. My husband and I were a little taken aback.

Should I be offended? Are you offended?

Detachment: Anger vs. Empathy

I have some big questions on my mind.

How do you move past anger when someone has mistreated you? When you realize the people who hurt you are hurting themselves how do you let the anger go and show empathy?

How do you detach yourself from unhealthy situations? I discovered that distance from unhealthy people in my life has done my recovery wonders, but it hasn’t erased the anger – even though I realize the people who mistreated me need help themselves. 

It has been so important for me to focus on my own mental health to be able to be a good mom and help others. I feel detachment and distance are necessary not to derail that crucial self-care. 

But at the same time, how do you encourage others to focus on self-care? I still care about the people who wronged me. I wouldn’t be so angry if I didn’t care, but I wish I could just move on. 

Sometimes my anger tells me I want revenge, but really I just want relief.

I know this is kind of vague, but can you relate? Can you show anger and empathy at the same time? Is detachment necessary or just avoiding the problem? Is a resolution always needed to move on?

(Also, I am currently in therapy to address these and other issues. Even though my blog is an excellent outlet for me, I really recommend therapy for anyone. It really helps to have a sounding board, learn coping techniques, and get an objective viewpoint. If you are considering it, do it.)