Living with a Mental Illness: What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

Living with a Mental Illness: What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

 

  1. You don’t have to chase after a “normal” life. A normal life is not necessarily the goal of recovery – even if your friends and family think otherwise. Do what works for you.
  2. Find a way to embrace and celebrate your uniqueness. I’ve learned it’s better to accept your differences than to change them. You’re going to stand out and you have to find the confidence to be okay with that.
  3. Beware of people that invalidate your thoughts and feelings because you’re mentally ill. It’s really just an excuse for them to not hold themselves accountable. Watch for phrases like “too sensitive” and “crazy” and then find more thoughtful and understanding people to hang out with. 
  4. Medications are great but therapy is also really helpful. There have been so many times in my life when I said I’m on medication and don’t require therapy but really the ideal situation is having both.
  5. You are not damaged. You are just as worthy as everyone else. A mental illness doesn’t make you less than others. You are deserving of a fulfilling life and a seat at the table.
  6. A wise man with a similar diagnosis once told me that sometimes you have to stretch yourself to see what you are truly capable of. I actually took this advice when I was younger and it has served me greatly through the years.

 

People in recovery, what would you add to the list? For everyone – what are some things you knew when you were younger? What would’ve been helpful? What would have saved you some heartache?

If laws didn’t exist, would you still trust people?

So, my seven-year-old just told me she doesn’t trust the police. The police don’t have a good reputation here and my husband and I don’t speak very highly of them (although the topic doesn’t come up very often). But still, the few times in my life I’ve needed the police they were there and I was grateful. If I wasn’t a middle-aged white woman, I’m sure my story would be different. 

Strange question – how badly do we really need laws? Are there too many of them?

If laws didn’t exist, would you still trust people? Are there people whose only deterrent from doing something horrible is the threat of incarceration? 

Does the threat of incarceration stop you from doing anything? Jail really scares me even though I’ve never been in any real trouble with the law. Deep down is that fear preventing me from doing anything?

The thought of laws not existing reminds me of people who say if you don’t have religion, how do you know right from wrong? Obviously, we know religion isn’t required in morality, so I feel if you took away laws, most people would still have a conscience.

Do laws work? It’s like that saying, “Locks keep honest people out.” If you really want to do something, do laws actually matter to you?

I asked my husband if there was anything illegal he wanted to do, and if he would do it if laws didn’t exist. He laughed and said he wanted to loiter. I told him it might be exciting to dine and ditch. We couldn’t seriously think of anything we actually wanted to do. Do you feel that way?

Are there any laws you would like to break if it was no longer illegal? Are there any laws you feel are unnecessary? I’ve always felt drugs should be decriminalized. 

How do you feel about laws? If you don’t want to comment on this post, I completely understand! I just thought it would be interesting to throw some questions out there.

Is age just a number? How do you feel about it?

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately – which isn’t really like me – but I seem to be really drawn to documentaries and true crime. Apparently, I like to unwind by watching something stressful.

Have you seen The Curious Case of Natalia Grace? (I think I watched it on Prime or Hulu.) It was an interesting story but the ending was pretty unsatisfying. It’s about a family who adopted a little girl with dwarfism but in the end, they didn’t know her age. It’s quite possible that she was a very small adult masquerading as a child. I was left unsatisfied because there really were no answers in the documentary – just the mention of an upcoming court case. 

What would it be like to experience childhood as an adult? 

If you could be a child again, would you?

Personally, I wish to remain an adult. Childhood is rough. A budding mental illness coupled with normal growing pains left me feeling fearful and confused. I’m happy to be grown-up and in charge of my own life. As a child, I wish I would have felt the freedom I do now. There’s nothing worse than feeling stuck in a bad situation.

Do you feel and act your age?

I entered a new decade with my 40th birthday last November. I thought I was going to have a hard time with it, but so far, forty’s not so bad. I have a wonderful family and I get to do the things I love to do. I can’t really say that about other times in my life. I’m not as physically fit as I should be, but I get around just fine. Yeah. Forty’s pretty cool.

Should I fear the Golden Years?

Man, I don’t know how to say this nicely. While I’m just fine with being forty, today I realized that maybe I’m a little scared of becoming elderly. I dropped off an order at a local sign shop run by a husband and wife team. The husband took my order and told me to return a few hours later to pick it up. When I showed up later my order wasn’t finished. It turns out the husband has dementia and left. The wife cried when she realized what had happened. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever get my order but I really don’t care at this point. I couldn’t imagine going through that. The wife said they had been in business for fifty years and should call it quits.

I don’t ever want to have to call it quits.

 

There’s just been a lot in my life right now making me think about age – from myself, from raising my seven-year-old, and from my interactions with others. How do you feel about it? Would you ever want to be a child again? What’s been your best decade? How do you feel about your age right now?

Trusting Others: Gut Feelings, Logical Thinking, and Wishful Thinking

I am currently healing from broken trust which has left me thinking about what trust is and how it works. I have a lot of questions for you and I am eager to read your responses.

I often get gut feelings about people – both good and bad – but I try not to let them interfere with a budding relationship or friendship. My gut feeling is sometimes right, but often wrong. Should a person really trust their gut? I’ve always felt like I need more information – even if it leaves me guarded. I try to push through it – especially if it’s someone I can’t avoid. Are gut feelings irrational, biased, or even an innate instinct? 

Do you trust your gut? Does it tell you the truth?

While I sometimes ignore gut feelings, logical thinking takes over. I can keep a mental tally of the good and the bad and weigh my options. But the worst part is when wishful thinking steps in – when I want someone to be a good person so badly that I will look past numerous red flags. That’s when you get burned.

When I ignore red flags it’s often to keep the peace. I know there’s no formula for trust, but how many chances should you give someone? Where do you draw the line? What’s a forgivable mistake vs. blatant disrespect?

I am a trusting person and I usually give people a chance, but I feel it is much easier to see when someone breaks your trust than when they gain it. Gaining trust takes time while losing trust can happen in an instant.

If you’re trusting, open, and vulnerable – if you’re willing to let people in – does that make you prey? Will you become a victim? How do you protect yourself?

When a loved one trusts someone they shouldn’t – do you say something or step away?

On the flip side, am I trustworthy? How do I show someone that I’m trustworthy? I feel being honest and open has helped me in relationships. I’m often willing to share my story and hope others will reciprocate. Keep promises. Be reliable and available. 

Are people giving me a fair chance? On occasion, I doubt it because of the stigma surrounding my mental illness, but I try so hard to prove myself. Regardless, I have a lot of good people in my life.

Do you have to know someone on a somewhat personal level to trust them? Does personality play a role? Do any personal prejudices become a factor? Does the way a person looks make them more or less trustworthy? Unfortunately, I’m going to say yes to all of those. I see it in my own life. Deep down, I know it should be a person’s words and actions that make them trustworthy, but sometimes that’s just not the case. Sometimes you have to work really hard to look past irrelevant factors.

Here’s a touchy subject – how do you know if you can trust someone with your children? The list of people I’ll let watch my daughter is pretty short. Trusting people with children gives me a lot of anxiety. Do you have criteria for trusting a person with your child? My daughter plays with the girl next door a lot, and even her going over to the neighbor’s house makes me nervous. Sure, my husband and I talk to our neighbors here and there, but do we really know them? I feel like every time I take my daughter somewhere I am taking a chance with the people around us. When do you let go?

How do you know you can trust your children with different responsibilities or even with being left home alone? I learned a couple of weeks ago in a training given by our local children’s services that there is no set age to legally leave a child home alone in our state. It is completely at the discretion of the caregiver regarding the maturity of the child. I remember being home alone a lot when I was younger, but that was in a rural area in the nineties – it was more accepted to leave your children home alone at a younger age. My daughter’s daycare accepts children up to twelve years old. I certainly didn’t go to daycare that long but my daughter most likely will. 

And of course, the one that always pisses me off – why do people assume that because they’re Christian people should view them as trustworthy? Honestly, anymore it just makes me run in the opposite direction. I once had an auto mechanic tell me that he was a “god-fearing” man just before he really screwed me over. I’m sure we all have stories like that.

How do you see the good in people while still being cautious? That’s the question I want to be answered more than any of the others. Each time someone breaks your trust it knocks you down a notch making it harder to trust others in the future. However, if I don’t give people a chance I will miss out on relationships, opportunities, and experiences. What am I teaching my daughter at that point?

I am so curious to read your thoughts on trust. What does trust look like to you?

If psychic powers were a thing, would you want them?

This is just a silly thought that popped into my mind today.

This morning I was laying in bed thinking about my paintings. I currently have seventeen paintings for sale at a local consignment shop and many more stored at home. I got a little flutter in my belly wondering if any of them have sold. I’m a very nervous and impatient person and I can’t stand not knowing. I have to pick up any unsold paintings on June sixth.

I wish I had the ability to know how my paintings will do, but if I did, would that have prevented me from showing the shop owner my paintings in the first place?

Would I want psychic powers? Maybe. 

Writing submissions feel the same as selling my artwork. I hate waiting. I just want to know. If I knew, I could focus my efforts on submissions where I know I’ll be successful.

I think there would be a downside to psychic powers. Late last year my family was at my husband’s grandpa’s house. His grandpa was in his nineties and usually very quiet, but at this visit, he was very talkative. He told us all about his experience in the Korean War. He was passionate and I felt closer to him for sharing.

After we left, I told my husband I was worried about his grandpa. Both of my grandpas were in World War II and it felt like they relived the war right before they died. They were willing to share things they weren’t before – just like my husband’s grandpa. 

I really didn’t know what was going to happen, but his grandpa died shortly after. I don’t know if anyone was freaked out by what I said, but I definitely felt shitty for saying it.

In that example, I would definitely not want psychic powers. What I said about my husband’s grandpa was not from a psychic ability – it was simply from past experience. Either way, it definitely felt like a punch in the gut.

Would you want to know how and when you’ll die? For me, no way. I’ll just say surprise me on that one.

So what do you think? Would you want psychic powers? How would you use them? Would you find a way to help others or would you keep your abilities to yourself?

Mo Money Mo Problems

My husband and I are used to struggling. We’ve never truly been what many consider “comfortable”. But I recently noticed something.

When our daughter was born, we barely had anything. We worked hard, but my husband and I were both making only twelve dollars an hour. But here’s what’s interesting – we made it work. 

Fast forward to today. My daughter is now seven and we make quite a bit more than twelve dollars an hour, but we’re barely scraping by. This past year we have felt more pressure and desperation than we ever have. 

If at one time we made twelve dollars an hour work, why are we broke now?

I feel our life was simpler when we were younger. We have less stuff. Now we have more subscriptions, bills, expenses, etc. 

Kinda weird, but I also think we didn’t realize how expensive having eight cats would be. One of our cats was recently injured and while we would do anything for our kitties, that 700-dollar vet bill hurt. 

Things are even shittier in the US right now, and I’m sure that contributes to why we are broke. 

This is a short post, but I’m curious if any of you can relate. Have you made your life work for less money than you have now? Did your life get more complicated when you made more money?

When did body parts become offensive?

Of course, this post came to mind after hearing about the Statue of David controversy in Florida, but I have a more personal example.

I live in a small, three-bedroom house with one tiny bathroom to share with my husband and daughter. We always leave the bathroom door open so if someone’s showering, the toilet is available, etc. It’s no big deal to us because we’re family.

Last weekend I was unaware that the neighbor girl was over at our house because I was in the shower – with the door open. I didn’t hear her come in. I get out of the shower, dry off, and walk completely naked to our bedroom across the hall (like I always do), but when I get in the hall, I see the neighbor girl. I run to the bedroom and slam the door. I was so pissed at my husband for not letting me know that someone else was in the house that I yelled at him – so much so that I scared my daughter and the neighbor girl away. Turns out my husband was sitting on the couch with no pants on – just a t-shirt and boxers – and didn’t want to get up. The neighbor girl sometimes lets herself in so I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later. My family is hardly ever fully dressed when we’re hanging out at home.

But why was this such a big deal to me – why did I have to yell? Considering my history of eating disorders, I’m not exactly comfortable with my body, but still, the neighbor girl is only five – what does she care about the shape of my body? 

Of course, in the back of my mind, I thought if a child other than my own sees me naked, could it be misconstrued as something sexual? It’s a scary thought and I certainly don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

If this were to happen again, I would try to be calmer. It’s probably not as big of a deal as I made it.

But really, who told us to cover up? Why can’t kids see the Statue of David? Why are body parts offensive?

Does this have to do with religion? Is this a Puritan thing?

What do you think and how would you have responded to my neighbor girl situation?

Am I indoctrinating my daughter?

I’m sure all families indoctrinate their children to a degree – even if it’s not religious.

My daughter recently had a birthday, and one of her friends gave her a Claire’s gift card. The only Claire’s near us is in the mall, so we went to the mall for the first time in years. We were there for about an hour before I got freaked out at the number of people there. I didn’t think people shopped at malls anymore, but I was definitely wrong. Old people, young people – everybody was there.

We stopped at the food court for lunch and there happens to be a Chic-fil-A in our mall. Of course, it was closed because it was Sunday, but my daughter points at it and says, “That’s the restaurant we hate.” I giggled because it was cute as hell, but maybe I shouldn’t have.

My work often has Chic-fil-A cater our meetings and trainings, and I always go home and bitch about it to my husband. I’m sure that’s where my daughter is getting this from. But I realized, I’ve never actually sat down and explained to my daughter why I don’t like Chic-fil-A. She’s just repeating what she hears.

Is that wrong? My daughter now hates a restaurant that she knows nothing about and has never eaten at. 

Maybe this is just a small example but is it really that different than religious families?

I really want to raise my daughter in a way that she learns to question everything and think for herself – even if she ends up believing something other than what my husband and I believe. I want her to feel independent and free to explore whatever she wants.

So what about your family – do you feel you have indoctrinated your children even if you aren’t religious? Is that good or bad? Do you catch yourself doing it?

Mandated Reporting and Our Local Clergy

I work for an arts program in a mental health organization, and since I sometimes work with kids, I am a mandated reporter. Last Monday, a social worker from our local children’s services gave a presentation on mandated reporting. I’m not going to lie – I thought it was going to be boring, but to my surprise, I actually learned quite a bit. It helped that the presenter coupled the information with interesting local stories. 

Several thoughts came up as I sat and listened to the presentation. 

First, I found the definitions and descriptions of the different kinds of abuse very helpful. I honestly didn’t know what constitutes emotional abuse. We were given a booklet on abuse and reporting and here’s how it defines emotional abuse:

“Repeated threats or insults to scare or embarrass a child, or to crush a child’s self-esteem. It can also include withholding affection and attention from a child.”

Second thought – is indoctrination considered emotional abuse? You got to admit, some of that definition touches on aspects of indoctrination. 

Third thought (which didn’t surprise me) – clergy is also mandated reporters in my state, but the presenter said that they are the worst group for compliance. Not only do they not report suspected abuse, they often blame the children. She even gave us plenty of local examples. Even some of my coworkers chimed in and gave examples. I was shocked because they acted like abuse in local churches is common knowledge among parishioners, but no one is doing anything about it.

Apparently, if you are a mandated reporter in my state and don’t report abuse, you can be given a six-month jail sentence. If they know the clergy isn’t complying, I’m wondering if they are following through with justice.

Here’s the really bizarre part – after telling us all this about local clergy and churches, the presenter invited us to a “faith-based celebration luncheon” to recruit foster and adoptive families. 

What?? I really feel they’re looking in the wrong place. 

I really don’t know how to help in this situation. I was born and raised in this area. I know what it’s like here, and yet when I heard about local clergy and churches along with a faith-based foster and adoption recruitment event, my gut just sank.

Surprisingly, I don’t have many questions in this post. I just wanted to share my story so you could join in my disgust. Can anyone relate? Do you have a similar story? Is indoctrination really abuse? What can be done about all this?

Would I be happier if I were a Christian?

Let’s pretend for a minute that I wasn’t a skeptical person – that I didn’t ask a million questions. Maybe I was lacking common sense and needed a far-fetched explanation to squash my fear of the unknown. Maybe I was raised in a church and didn’t know any different.

I am constantly bombarded with Christianity and sometimes it wears me down. What if I just gave in? If you can’t beat them, join them, right?

As much as I’m cringing writing this, you have to admit, there are a few positive aspects to Christianity. First, many Christians feel at home at their church. That’s a sense of community I don’t have. Religion provides rules and a certain plan for life so many Christians feel they have a purpose. Not to mention, the thought of going to heaven when you die is probably pretty comforting. Maybe not having to think for yourself is a relief to some. If you didn’t know any different, wouldn’t Christianity feel safe? Also, Christians are the majority here where as an atheist I often feel ostracized and judged — silenced even.

What if I had these things? If I was a Christian with blind faith, would I be happier? Would my life be simpler? 

I imagine bonding with my coworkers, having a sense of community I’ve longed for, and maybe getting a little more sleep — after all, I’m going to heaven when I die. I imagine feeling safer and more confident.

What I am describing would require blind faith, and it’s in my nature to question. To be honest, I find it hard to believe that there are people who don’t question anything. I think everyone questions but few are willing to admit it. Personally, I couldn’t call myself a Christian and live with those doubts.

So would I be happier? We all know the horror stories that accompany Christianity and certain churches, but if you just consider the aspects I listed above, I think I actually would be happier. Comfort, safety, purpose – I mean, who wouldn’t want those things? 

But it’s just not me. I was even skeptical as a child and I don’t like being lied to. I will live a more difficult life if it means evidence and common sense are valued. That’s what’s important to me. I feel strong and grounded as an atheist which has positively impacted my recovery – that’s also very important to me.

What do you guys think? Would you be happier if you were a Christian with blind faith? What would that look like in your life? I live in a red state in the Midwest so that definitely affects how I look at religion. What would these aspects look like where you live? I’m sure there have been many studies done on religion and happiness, but I think it’s really interesting to consider scenarios on a very personal level.