Day 1: We are sorry to report that the Chinese launched an ICBM whose nuclear warhead evaporated Seattle.

Day 2: Yes, we’ve also heard the rumors that Putin had instructed the FSB to ensure that Seattle would die “by nuclear fire”. This is categorically untrue.

Day 3: We would like to say that the person who leaked the transcript of a call between Presidents Putin and Trump that occurred approximately 40 minutes before the death of 1.8 million US residents and citizens is not, I repeat NOT a whistleblower. It is important to note that this was not a verbatim transcript of the call and contains numerous inaccuracies now being reported as fact. There is no reason to treat the document as reliable. Also, this was a leak of highly classified information and an investigation into the suspected Democrat deep state operative is ongoing.

Day 4: Of course we are not investigating the release of the transcript with Putin. If you read the transcript, you can see everything that Trump said verbatim, and when you do you’ll realize the call was obviously perfect. Any conversation between the two presidents about erasing Seattle and Silicon Valley to protect Russia’s software and computer industries is clearly unrelated locker room talk. Just two regular guys joking.

Day 5: We don’t consider it relevant that Trump responded positively to Putin. Also, Trump was referring to successfully erecting a collage as a memorial to the citizens of Seattle, whom he loves, and not the electoral college when discussing with Putin the potential aftermath of a nuclear event in Washington State.

Day 6: Yes, the nuclear warhead that devastated Seattle was launched from a US submarine within minutes of Putin yelling at Trump, “Either you ensure that Seattle dies by nuclear fire, or the debt comes due!” but we are sure this action by incompetent US service members is unrelated to the phone call. Also, the President has now contacted all the families of those sailors who died when US defense systems destroyed the submarine. At the time we could not have known that this was a US submarine firing from the assigned position of the USS Pennsylvania.

Day 7: Yes, we have heard the internet outrage over the president calling the weapon a “Chinese Warhead”. Please check your facts before publishing hysterical fake news. As it turns out, most of the rare earth elements in the capacitors and batteries used to make the warhead function were mined in China. AG Barr has ordered an investigation to determine the extent of Obama’s collusion with China to create the weapon that destroyed metropolitan Seattle.

Day 8: Obviously, if there was any truth at all to the idea that someone following Putin’s orders to destroy Seattle and Silicon Valley used Trump’s own nuclear launch code from the White House Situation Room to order the USS Pennsylvania to murder Seattle before dying under a hail of fire from US continental defenses, then Silicon Valley would also be wiped out. So this cannot be true.

Day 9: The true hero here is Trump, who, in resisting Putin’s orders, managed to save more than 3 million lives in Silicon Valley by taking a bathroom break after sending out the launch order against Seattle. This crucial delay, undertaken on Trump’s own initiative, meant that subsequent launch orders could not be sent as the launch codes were changed by an Air Force Colonel at NORAD. We think all right-thinking Americans should be celebrating Trump for saving millions of lives.

Day 10: Yes, we can confirm that President Trump has ordered the Secretary of the Air Force to begin court martial proceedings against a Colonel formerly assigned to NORAD for interfering without proper authority in the nuclear chain of command. Now, on to today’s issues. I’d like to address the rumors regarding the gas cloud released from UberAmerican Chemical Corp where the President was visiting earlier today. First let me say that absolutely no people died as a result of the release and that the gas was entirely non-toxic….