Lifeless In Seattle: A totally real record of really real press conferences conducted by the Trump Administration

Day 1: We are sorry to report that the Chinese launched an ICBM whose nuclear warhead evaporated Seattle.

Day 2: Yes, we’ve also heard the rumors that Putin had instructed the FSB to ensure that Seattle would die “by nuclear fire”. This is categorically untrue.

Day 3: We would like to say that the person who leaked the transcript of a call between Presidents Putin and Trump that occurred approximately 40 minutes before the death of 1.8 million US residents and citizens is not, I repeat NOT a whistleblower. It is important to note that this was not a verbatim transcript of the call and contains numerous inaccuracies now being reported as fact. There is no reason to treat the document as reliable. Also, this was a leak of highly classified information and an investigation into the suspected Democrat deep state operative is ongoing.

Day 4: Of course we are not investigating the release of the transcript with Putin. If you read the transcript, you can see everything that Trump said verbatim, and when you do you’ll realize the call was obviously perfect. Any conversation between the two presidents about erasing Seattle and Silicon Valley to protect Russia’s software and computer industries is clearly unrelated locker room talk. Just two regular guys joking.

Day 5: We don’t consider it relevant that Trump responded positively to Putin. Also, Trump was referring to successfully erecting a collage as a memorial to the citizens of Seattle, whom he loves, and not the electoral college when discussing with Putin the potential aftermath of a nuclear event in Washington State.

Day 6: Yes, the nuclear warhead that devastated Seattle was launched from a US submarine within minutes of Putin yelling at Trump, “Either you ensure that Seattle dies by nuclear fire, or the debt comes due!” but we are sure this action by incompetent US service members is unrelated to the phone call. Also, the President has now contacted all the families of those sailors who died when US defense systems destroyed the submarine. At the time we could not have known that this was a US submarine firing from the assigned position of the USS Pennsylvania.

Day 7: Yes, we have heard the internet outrage over the president calling the weapon a “Chinese Warhead”. Please check your facts before publishing hysterical fake news. As it turns out, most of the rare earth elements in the capacitors and batteries used to make the warhead function were mined in China. AG Barr has ordered an investigation to determine the extent of Obama’s collusion with China to create the weapon that destroyed metropolitan Seattle.

Day 8: Obviously, if there was any truth at all to the idea that someone following Putin’s orders to destroy Seattle and Silicon Valley used Trump’s own nuclear launch code from the White House Situation Room to order the USS Pennsylvania to murder Seattle before dying under a hail of fire from US continental defenses, then Silicon Valley would also be wiped out. So this cannot be true.

Day 9: The true hero here is Trump, who, in resisting Putin’s orders, managed to save more than 3 million lives in Silicon Valley by taking a bathroom break after sending out the launch order against Seattle. This crucial delay, undertaken on Trump’s own initiative, meant that subsequent launch orders could not be sent as the launch codes were changed by an Air Force Colonel at NORAD. We think all right-thinking Americans should be celebrating Trump for saving millions of lives.

Day 10: Yes, we can confirm that President Trump has ordered the Secretary of the Air Force to begin court martial proceedings against a Colonel formerly assigned to NORAD for interfering without proper authority in the nuclear chain of command. Now, on to today’s issues. I’d like to address the rumors regarding the gas cloud released from UberAmerican Chemical Corp where the President was visiting earlier today. First let me say that absolutely no people died as a result of the release and that the gas was entirely non-toxic….


  1. DataWrangler says

    What does it mean that I can’t even chuckle at these sorts of things anymore?

  2. StevoR says

    @1. DataWrangler : Not sure but I suspect after 90,000 plus dead needlessly because of Trump’s COVID 19 pandemic failures and his distractions, scape-goating of others like China, Obama the World Health Organisation to avoid taking any personal responsibility, etc .. It’s too painfully close to the truth and too little of an exaggeration and too plausibly real to work as satire maybe.

    Trump the world’s unfunniest klown* and a sad, petty, pathetic, elderly toddler beneath his layers of make up and silly hair, ruining even comedy.

    Or (&?) perhaps we’re all getting so tired and used to things that would once have been comically OTT turned mundane if sickening accepted reality. 🙁


    At the time we could not have known that this was a US submarine firing from the assigned position of the USS Pennsylvania.

    So, I was curious and googled and yeah, the USS Pennsylvania is a real nuclear submarine :

    Which incidentally once ran around due to a hurricane :

    On 29 September 1989, Pennsylvania ran aground as she entered the channel during her first visit to Port Canaveral, Florida. Tugboats freed her in about two hours. A U.S. Navy investigation determined that Pennsylvania was properly positioned in the channel, but the channel had been silted by the recent passing of Hurricane Hugo. Pennsylvania had been rerouted to Port Canaveral shortly after another submarine had struck a buoy that had repositioned in the entrance channel of Kings Bay but it was thought at the time that the channel to Port Canaveral was not affected. Pennsylvania received no damage, with the exception of pride. This was a rare occasion of a warship running aground and the Commanding Officer not being disciplined.

    Which makes me wonder about the implications of this given Global Overheating (“Warming” is too misleadingly mild a word for it) meaning likely more, worse and less predictable such storms in future.

    There’s also a 30 min doco here on that sub : in case people are interested.

    Co-incidentally, the previous US battleship Pennsylvania was used as a target in an atomic bomb test – twice! :

    The first explosion, Test Able, took place on 1 July, and was an air burst. After tests determined that the ship had not been contaminated with radiation, the crew returned to the ship from 3 to 24 July. The second blast, Test Baker, was done the next day. This was an underwater detonation, and Pennsylvania was moored just 1,100 yards (1,000 m) from ground zero. She was only lightly damaged from the blast, but the surge of water caused significant radioactive contamination; work parties came aboard the ship from 17 to 21 August to prepare the ship to be towed, and on the 21st she was taken under tow by the transport Niagara, which took her to Kwajalein, where she was decommissioned on 29 August. Various radiological and structural studies were completed over the next year and a half until she was scuttled off Kwajalein on 10 February 1948.

    Source :

    So minor detail but very apt choice.

    Grimly good satire and well written thanks.

    * With apologies to professional clowns who work to entertain and make life better for others.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *