Jeezus sentenced for his part in 1/6 insurrection today. Also, WTF Steve Buscemi?!

photo taken during 1/6 insurrection: foreground = man who looks like traditional depictions of the Christian deity carrying his infamous cross - except it's a Trump flag. looming behind him is a guy who resembles actor Steve Buscemi.photo taken during 1/6 insurrection of Jeezus carrying his infamous cross Trump flag in the U.S. Senate, while actor Steve Buscemi looms menacingly behind him. (via AP)

According to the Associated Press, the Christian deity will be the first to face sentencing for a felony today in connection with the January 6 insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. It also turns out that Jeezus hails from Florida BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES.

Further, in a development that has been suspiciously underreported, actor Steve Buscemi appears to be right there, insurrectin’ right along with Jeezus, as you can plainly see for yourself in the above image.

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BREAKING: Me + my commenters = “all evil, evil people who God will someday judge.”

Once again, my post from the other day alerting readers to the death of human-shaped shitsack Rush Limbaugh and announcing the immediate commencement of our traditional grave dancing ceremonies has caused grave (<-hahaha – still funny) offense. And, once again, the ensuing comments have caused equally grave offense, since we are all subject to the same admonishment.

Last night at 10:33pm EST, someone with the handle Susan Apperson (whose email address is sapperson31@gmail.com) took time out of his or her or their busy day to issue this decree:

You people are all evil, evil people who God will someday judge. I would hate to be on all your death beds. None of you should judge…….God is the only judge!!. AND Karma is a bitch!!!

OMFG I love everything about this comment. Let’s break it down, shall we?

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BREAKING: Me + my commenters = “truly sick @$$holes.”

O NOEZ! It seems my post yesterday alerting readers to the death of human-shaped shitbag Rush Limbaugh and announcing the immediate commencement of the traditional grave dancing has caused grave (<-hahaha) offense. And grave offense was taken not only at my post, but at your amusing comments too.

Yes, this morning at 9:42 EST, someone with the handle “Dakota Al”* (whose email address is alandmoller@gmail.com) took time out of her or his or their busy day to enlighten us all with this important information:

You people are truly sick. Good luck with your newly appointed dictatorship ….. assholes.

I just thought you should all know right away.

I think in response, I just want to reply with something I retweeted yesterday:

“how would YOU like it if Republicans celebrate when YOU die???”

If I live my life in such a way that Republicans celebrate my death I’ll have achieved success beyond my wildest dreams

I’ll just keep right on dancing as I eagerly await my marching instructions from my newly appointed dictator.

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*Did I ever tell you about that one time I mailed actual coat hangers to every one of the Republicans (and some Dems) in the South Dakota state legislature who had just passed a statute outlawing all abortions? I included a personal note too, helpfully advising them to keep this very important tool handy for their wives, girlfriends, daughters, mistresses and/or themselves, because as anyone even slightly familiar with the abortion issue knows, outlawing abortions does nothing to stop them, it only maims and kills people who are pregnant and do not wish to be so. I signed off as The Coathanger Lobby. FUN TIMES.

But the whole thing was a time consuming and expensive undertaking, so I switched tactics. When I go for my annual pap smear, I have my gynecologist take a picture of my vaginal canal and cervix, so I can simply send the image as a courtesy to lawmakers and other conservatives who are inexplicably obsessed with what goes into and/or comes out of there. Surely they’ve been pleased to learn that my ladyjunk is in good working order.

A visit from jolly old St. Poe!

Readers with memories longer than my own may recall my post a few weeks ago, in which I proffered a flawless, airtight, exquisitely logicked explanation as to why President Dickhead ordered only 100 million COVID vaccines for a country of 331 million people, and then I dared readers who disagreed with my hypothesis to – and I quote – “fight me.”

And fight me some did! Tho I swear, at the time of this bloody savagery, I had already come up with even MOAR flawless, airtight, exquisitely logicked explanations with which to BURY ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. (In the sweetest, gentlest, most loving and respectful way possible of course, unless you explicitly and enthusiastically consent to liking it rough, and provide a safeword.)

But then a couple things happened. First, I got distracted. Not like oooh!-look!-shiny!-distracted. More like… overwhelmed with medical issues you would not want to hear about (and related calls and conferences you would not want to hear about either), and getting swept up in certain holiday-oriented rituals and festivities including incredibly foolish undertakings of my own (un)doing that sure seemed like super easy and fun ideas at the time haha and yet remain unfinished to this day and now require both international shipping (to New Jersey) AND specialized superpowers which alas, are among those I do not possess.

And second, I remembered something very important about Death to Squirrels. And that is, unless you agree with me, YOU ARE WRONG BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THIS BLOG WORKS.*

So that should have been the end of it, right? I mean, unless and until one of us again finds it mildly amusing to speculate – to the death! – on the exact nature of President Dickhead’s neural misfirings.

But not so fast! For in the wee hours of this very morn, at 3:29am local/EST to be precise, we were gifted with a new and… distinctive contribution to our epic battlethread. It purports to originate from one heretofore unheard of “Christina richards,” and is copied-&-pasted here, unedited, and in its entirety, from my unapproved comments feed because (a) I kinda want to know whether Christina richards is for real or not and I honestly cannot tell, and (b) either way, it’s fucking hilarious:

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Conservatives Eat Their Own, Hilarity Ensues.

Oh noez! Jared and Ivanka are not happy.

Seems some gaggle of wealthy, well-connected #NeverTrumpers started a PAC last year called The Lincoln Project. These self-styled “ex-Republicans” just put up two billboards in Times Square:

Photo of 2 billboards in Times Square. 1) Ivanka happily and gesturing toward statistics: "33,366+ NEW YORKERS. 221,247+ AMERICANS." 2) Jared smiling smugly next to quote: "[NEW YORKERS]" ARE GOING TO SUFFER AND THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM." (photo: Twitter via New York Daily News)

In case it’s hard to make out in the image, on one billboard Ivanka is smiling blithely while gesturing toward bold block print:

33,366+
NEW YORKERS.

221,247+
AMERICANS.

On the other billboard, Jared smiles smugly next to a quote:

“[NEW YORKERS] ARE GOING TO

SUFFER

AND THAT’S THEIR PROBLEM.”

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YOU’RE WELCOME, PEOPLE.

As infinitesimal fractions of millions of fans of my debut short film Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning will recall, your favorite squirrel hater explicitly promised she would neutralize certain bitchez, by way of poison.

Iris holding a tray of four drinks and a bottle marked with a skull & crossbones, pictured outside the White House with Trump, Pence, Ivanka and Jared Kushner. Bold block lettering says "Iris Vander Pluym Will Poison These Bitchez."Still photo from
Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning
(courtesy of Death to Squirrels™ Productions)

Poisoning of course is a very ancient dark art, its practice dating at least as far back as 4,500 BCE. The variety of suitable substances and delivery methods has continued to expand and evolve to this very day.

One day I got to thinking, and a plan quickly crystallized in my mind. While shooting the film, I found myself incognito at a party on the White House lawn, costumed to blend in perfectly with the catering staff.

I saw my chance. And I took it.

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Nobody loves me, I’m gonna eat some worms. 👿

I am auctioning off an interview at Death to Squirrels. Bidding starts at ONE DOLLAR, closes in less than three hours (6pm EDT), and nobody wants to talk to me! *sniff* Waaaaah!

You can bid either in the auction thread comments or via email if you prefer: send your bid to irisvpluym [at] gmail [dot] com, with “Iris Interview” in the subject line, and I will post a corresponding comment on the thread that reads “Anonymous bid for $____” along with the timestamp on your email. You know: in case there’s a last minute bidding war! 😂

C’mon, I promise you have nothing to fear from talking to me. Unless you’re a squirrel.

 

What are you doing?! UPDATED.

What are you doing this weekend? THAT WAS RHETORICAL OF COURSE because I already know you’ll be hanging out at FtB’s Carnival of Curiosity, already underway! So many fun, funny and fabulous events are planned for you by my beloved FtB comrades, and they’re all FREE! Though we will gratefully accept any tokens of your appreciation (in the form of US dollars plz). Because it turns out that free speech isn’t free, even when you win the lawsuit.

I know you will be so delighted, amused and wildly entertained you will magnanimously contribute a few bucks to our legal fund (here).

WTF are you even doing here?! Grab some virtual refreshments and GTFOver there already! photo composite of traditional movie candy, popcorn, wine, beer and cocktails.

Catering courtesy of our sponsors:
Vander Pluym Vineyards
Bitch Brewery
&
DeathToSquirrels Desserts

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UPDATE: Okay fine. If you’re just here for the free booze and snacks killing time before another Carnival of Curiosity event, please go grab some popcorn and enjoy my (first, last, only and very very short) debut film: Boss Bitch Fight Challenge II – The Reckoning.