About those squirrels, Part 2: depravity and terrorism.

[CONTENT NOTE: squirrels committing suicide.]

In Part 1, we learned about the squirrels’ biological warfare program, a sophisticated and deadly operation that would have been the envy of Saddam Hussein himself.

Today we will explore other squirrel tactics in their escalating war against human civilization: wanton acts of lawless depravity, and outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure.


Just last summer alone:

  • A Michigan police department has named a squirrel a suspect in a $128,000 nut heist.


This squirrel is considered armed and dangerous.
(image: USA Today)

  • A squirrel was caught on camera devouring A FUCKING SNAKE HEAD FIRST in a Texas Park.


Oh I’m sorry, did you think they only ate nuts? NOT ANYMORE.
(image: W. Leggett/NPS via Reptiles Magazine)

  • A drunk squirrel—yes, you read that right—caused massive damage at a UK pub. When workers arrived they naturally assumed the place had been robbed by H. sapiens: beer all over the floor, glasses and bottles knocked off the shelves, a real shitshow. Then a slow moving squirrel staggered out. The little fucker managed to turn on a tap, and drained (or drank!) more than $450 worth of beer. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BEER.


  • Arson: in Clark County, Washington, a suicide terrorist squirrel bit into an overhead power line in order to set himself ablaze and fall to the ground, thereby setting a patch of grass on fire. Fortunately, firefighters were able to extinguish the blaze and no one was harmed—this time.
  • Attacking civilian infrastructure: At least two other squirrels committed suicide in order to disrupt the power grid, leaving thousands without power. (We suspect the arson may have been another attempt that failed.) Another suicidal squirrel also targeted a community center in Fort Wayne, Indiana, causing $300,000 in damage.
  • WMD: squirrels have recently developed weaponry so astonishing, it threatens to disrupt the very fabric of spacetime itself. An elite investigative journalism outlet I never heard of called ZOO Magazine surreptitiously obtained a photo of one of the little beasties doing what can only be described as unprecedented. Yes, that’s right: water bending.


Top secret surveillance photo captured at squirrel terrorist training camp.

Obviously our enemies have engineered enhancements to their brains such that they can defy the laws of physics using only the sheer force of their minds. WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY ARE NOW CAPABLE OF.

Shit gets personal.

When squirrels begin to overpopulate an area, they will cause damage to trees, shrubs, ornamental plantings, gardens, and “structures”—as in, your fucking house. Squirrel populations are normally kept in check by environmental factors including weather patterns, predators (foxes, hawks and owls) and the availability of food. This is why no one should feed squirrels, ever, not even accidentally: squirrel-proof bird feeders are A Thing for good reason.

Well. It has come to my attention that my neighbors—whose outdoor space is separated from my magnificent gardens by a fence—have been feeding squirrels. ON PURPOSE. They even have a fucking sign and everything!



As a result of this unconscionable perfidy, large numbers of squirrels have been digging burrows all over the place, uprooting and eating bulbs, flinging mulch hither and fro, PLANTING THEIR FREE FUCKING PEANUTS THAT THE NEIGHBORS ARE FEEDING THEM which very quickly sprout up into unsightly peanut plants, and just generally trashing the joint with wild abandon.



Our humble abode and surrounding gardens.*

I read somewhere that dogwood berries are poisonous to squirrels, so of course I planted a dogwood tree right up against the shared fence line last fall. Yet I am still overrun with the little fuckers. My Amazing Lover™ asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him a high-powered BB gun with a scope. He declined to purchase me one, which, okay, I admit that was probably for the best.

But I did insist on decorating our holiday tree with owl ornaments in order to make an anti-squirrel political statement.

And it’s not just me, either. My mother lives in a small town in Northern Maryland, and her neighbors informed me that they recently had to eradicate a squirrel infestation from inside the walls of their house. This lovely couple has been beautifully renovating a historic home a block away from my mom’s, and about a hundred feet from the property of a douche who maintains giant squirrel feeders in his back yard. I didn’t mention to the couple that that my own mother(!) feeds squirrels too—can you even believe this shit?!—but in a small town like this one, everyone probably knows anyway. (And no, there is no reasoning with her about the goddamn squirrels, or about anything else for that matter.) Anyway, because the neighbor d00d is obviously woefully uninformed about the imminent threat posed by these ghastly little monsters, he captured the rodents with non-lethal Havahart traps, and then released them (!!!) in a field on the other side of a wide waterway. His wife, however, said she would have much preferred that he decapitate them, and then impale their heads on the spikes atop Squirrel Feeder Douche’s wrought iron fencing.

I fucking this woman.


In Part 3, we will discuss actions all of us can take to mitigate if not eradicate the pestilential scourge of squirrels, before the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us and it is too late.

*Due to security concerns, I obviously cannot publicly reveal what my home and surrounding gardens actually look like. These pictures are simply meant to give readers an idea of the overwhelming scale of the squirrel problem we are dealing with up in here.

[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been lightly edited and updated for FtB]


  1. Marie the Bookwyrm says

    Okay, drunkenness and vandalism I can accept; but eating a snake counts as depravity?!?

  2. chigau (違う) says

    The person across the back alley feeds squirrels.
    That is: they put out pies of stuff that attracts squirrels.
    Stuff also attracts magpies, bluejays, crows, etc.
    Sometimes it’s a bloodbath.

  3. DonDueed says

    I, too, had a squirrel infestation in the walls of my house. Well, it was one squirrel, and mostly in my basement, but… same idea.

    How the little tree rat got in, I still don’t know. But once in, he was determined to stay. I tried being nice. I left the basement door open (I have a grade-level basement entrance thanks to a hilly yard) so the critter could escape the terrifying human space and return to his preferred habitat. Did he take the hint? Oh no.

    I had several encounters with the rodent, chasing him about hoping he’d bolt for the open door. He had other ideas, disappearing into the basement CEILING of all things. Once I came home to hear scratching on the cellar door — the one leading into the house, not out of it! — and when I opened it there he was, bold as brass. I was lucky, after a few seconds of staredown, he headed down the steps rather than past me into the house. The damage was done, though, as my cellar door will never be the same. That little bugger had sharp teeth!

    I finally gave up on non-lethal measures, and set out a snack of delicious rat poison. It seemed to work, the encounters stopped and I thought my problem was over. Little did I know, the tree rat had posthumous revenge in store for me.

    Instead of leaving the house to find water (as the victims of D-Con are supposed to do) the rodent had crawled into a bit of spare downspout and expired. I was unaware of this at first, which was undoubtedly part of the beast’s plan all along. Because by the time I did detect a certain… eau de mort… down there and located the source, he had already undergone decomposition to the juicy and hairless state.

    I promise you, that was the most nauseating cleanup task I’ve ever faced. I know there are people who do such things for a living, but I don’t know how they can stand it. Maybe they have special hazard suits or something. I didn’t. That stench was in my nose for days afterward. And I know that Ghost Squirrel was watching and enjoying every minute of my discomfiture.

    Iris has it right about squirrels, people. Absolutely right.

  4. Onamission5 says

    @Don Dueed, #4:

    You have my utmost sympathies! Once upon a time a rat (actual rat) somehow got into the air circulation system for my vehicle and perished. I’ll spare everyone the gory details and just say that particular clean up required professional assistance. Twice.

    Is paintball paint toxic for birds, I wonder? Like, if someone happened to get some onto a bird feeder totally by accident in an attempt at scaring off some squirrels, and the birds then ate some, would it do them harm? Asking for a friend.

  5. says

    Wr had a strange experience once. Every time the fridge came on, the porch ight bulb blew. If we had replaced, which we did a few times before catching on. This in LA wth two phase home feed and ground. Turned out the little rat-thing had chewed through the ground connection on top of the pole. Fridge is low impedance on, grid maintains 220V between the phases, so lamp experienced double over-voltage. We were very lucky – definite fire hazard too.

    My wife loves the little things. But our squirrel proof bird feeders are a joke. The birds have learned to peck on the ground underneath while the lead sq hangs upside down from the top loop and scatters waste about.

  6. thebookofdave says

    DonDueed says:

    Instead of leaving the house to find water (as the victims of D-Con are supposed to do) the rodent had crawled into a bit of spare downspout and expired.

    One of the main reasons that I never resort to D-Con. Based on the experience of myself and friends, I’ve personally chalked those claims up to wishful thinking. The pests are just as likely to die in a crawlspace or wall. My other reason is that I’ve delegated outdoor rodent patrol to my cat, who is pretty efficient at trapping the little bastards, and often eats her kills.

  7. chigau (違う) says

    re: shotgun
    My municipality frowns upon gunfire within city limits.
    I don’t think anyone would even blink at paintballfire.
    oh, the squirrel might blink
    if you hit it
    if not…
    run … save yourself