[CONTENT NOTE: squirrels committing suicide.]
Today we will explore other squirrel tactics in their escalating war against human civilization: wanton acts of lawless depravity, and outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure.
Just last summer alone:
- A Michigan police department has named a squirrel a suspect in a $128,000 nut heist.
DO NOT APPROACH!
This squirrel is considered armed and dangerous.
(image: USA Today)
- A squirrel was caught on camera devouring A FUCKING SNAKE HEAD FIRST in a Texas Park.
Oh I’m sorry, did you think they only ate nuts? NOT ANYMORE.
(image: W. Leggett/NPS via Reptiles Magazine)
- A drunk squirrel—yes, you read that right—caused massive damage at a UK pub. When workers arrived they naturally assumed the place had been robbed by H. sapiens: beer all over the floor, glasses and bottles knocked off the shelves, a real shitshow. Then a slow moving squirrel staggered out. The little fucker managed to turn on a tap, and drained (or drank!) more than $450 worth of beer. WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE BEER.
- Arson: in Clark County, Washington, a suicide terrorist squirrel bit into an overhead power line in order to set himself ablaze and fall to the ground, thereby setting a patch of grass on fire. Fortunately, firefighters were able to extinguish the blaze and no one was harmed—this time.
- Attacking civilian infrastructure: At least two other squirrels committed suicide in order to disrupt the power grid, leaving thousands without power. (We suspect the arson may have been another attempt that failed.) Another suicidal squirrel also targeted a community center in Fort Wayne, Indiana, causing $300,000 in damage.
- WMD: squirrels have recently developed weaponry so astonishing, it threatens to disrupt the very fabric of spacetime itself. An elite investigative journalism outlet I never heard of called ZOO Magazine surreptitiously obtained a photo of one of the little beasties doing what can only be described as unprecedented. Yes, that’s right: water bending.
Top secret surveillance photo captured at squirrel terrorist training camp.
Obviously our enemies have engineered enhancements to their brains such that they can defy the laws of physics using only the sheer force of their minds. WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY ARE NOW CAPABLE OF.
Shit gets personal.
When squirrels begin to overpopulate an area, they will cause damage to trees, shrubs, ornamental plantings, gardens, and “structures”—as in, your fucking house. Squirrel populations are normally kept in check by environmental factors including weather patterns, predators (foxes, hawks and owls) and the availability of food. This is why no one should feed squirrels, ever, not even accidentally: squirrel-proof bird feeders are A Thing for good reason.
Well. It has come to my attention that my neighbors—whose outdoor space is separated from my magnificent gardens by a fence—have been feeding squirrels. ON PURPOSE. They even have a fucking sign and everything!
OH. NO. THEY. DIDN’T.
As a result of this unconscionable perfidy, large numbers of squirrels have been digging burrows all over the place, uprooting and eating bulbs, flinging mulch hither and fro, PLANTING THEIR FREE FUCKING PEANUTS THAT THE NEIGHBORS ARE FEEDING THEM which very quickly sprout up into unsightly peanut plants, and just generally trashing the joint with wild abandon.
Our humble abode and surrounding gardens.*
I read somewhere that dogwood berries are poisonous to squirrels, so of course I planted a dogwood tree right up against the shared fence line last fall. Yet I am still overrun with the little fuckers. My Amazing Lover™ asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him a high-powered BB gun with a scope. He declined to purchase me one, which, okay, I admit that was probably for the best.
But I did insist on decorating our holiday tree with owl ornaments in order to make an anti-squirrel political statement.
And it’s not just me, either. My mother lives in a small town in Northern Maryland, and her neighbors informed me that they recently had to eradicate a squirrel infestation from inside the walls of their house. This lovely couple has been beautifully renovating a historic home a block away from my mom’s, and about a hundred feet from the property of a douche who maintains giant squirrel feeders in his back yard. I didn’t mention to the couple that that my own mother(!) feeds squirrels too—can you even believe this shit?!—but in a small town like this one, everyone probably knows anyway. (And no, there is no reasoning with her about the goddamn squirrels, or about anything else for that matter.) Anyway, because the neighbor d00d is obviously woefully uninformed about the imminent threat posed by these ghastly little monsters, he captured the rodents with non-lethal Havahart traps, and then released them (!!!) in a field on the other side of a wide waterway. His wife, however, said she would have much preferred that he decapitate them, and then impale their heads on the spikes atop Squirrel Feeder Douche’s wrought iron fencing.
I fucking ♥ this woman.
In Part 3, we will discuss actions all of us can take to mitigate if not eradicate the pestilential scourge of squirrels, before the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us and it is too late.
*Due to security concerns, I obviously cannot publicly reveal what my home and surrounding gardens actually look like. These pictures are simply meant to give readers an idea of the overwhelming scale of the squirrel problem we are dealing with up in here.
[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been lightly edited and updated for FtB]