About those squirrels, Part 3: action plan.

In Parts 1 and 2, we learned about the squirrels’ sophisticated and escalating strategies in their all-out war against humanity, from deadly biological warfare to wanton acts of lawless depravity to outright terrorism aimed at civilian infrastructure—and even more ominously, the development of weaponry so advanced it threatens to unravel the very fabric of spacetime itself: water bending.


In Part 3, we will discuss actions all of us can take to mitigate (if not entirely eradicate) the pestilential scourge of Sciuridae.

We certainly have our work cut out for us too, because of so many unrepentant assholes—including my very own mother! JFC!—who insist on feeding these monsters, or even keeping them as pets (?!!!). Texas firefighters are rescuing squirrels. And just this January, My Amazing Lover™ brought to my attention a truly devastating and demoralizing development: some ridiculous jackasses apparently thought it was a grand idea to deem January 21 “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This is treason, people. And when the Squirrelpocalypse is upon us, justice will be swift and fierce.


This is…just. What? No.

Clearly these kinds of people cannot be reasoned with.

(Between you and me: I already suspect a few of the commenters here are double agents for the fucking squirrels, and there could be many, many more lurking. STAY ALERT, people.)

As a first step, then, we must educate ourselves and any others who can still be reached before it’s too late.

Here are some resources to get started:

How to Stop Squirrels. Squirrels will happily destroy your garden, invade your attic, and eat your fucking house: they can and will chew through pretty much anything that isn’t metal. This website offers practical tips, tactics and product suggestions for keeping your home and surrounding areas squirrel-free.

Natural predators of squirrels. I propose we immediately scale up massive breeding programs for rat snakes, hawks, great horned owls and barred owls, red and gray foxes and bobcats. Even house cats can prey on squirrels, but last week alarming evidence emerged that suggests the cats have been compromised and may have defected to Team Squirrel. Fuckers.

Be alert to mass squirrel migrations. Click that link to see for yourself just how bad things can get. WARNING: this is the stuff of nightmares and horror movies.

Squirrel hunting tips on how to get started. (<—Self-explanatory.)

Know your squirrel hunting season. For example, in most of New York State the hunting season for gray, black and fox squirrels starts September 1 and continues through February, with a bag limit of six. That’s six daily. RED SQUIRRELS CAN BE HUNTED YEAR ROUND WITHOUT LIMITS.



Squirrel Recipes. <—These are from the Missouri Department of Conservation, but there are many, many others. Squirrel is one of the most ethical meats one can consume, and apparently pretty tasty too. Hey, don’t knock it until you try it.

Repurpose “Squirrel Appreciation Day.” This really needs to be a day of awareness, action, education and enlistment in the battle. Purely coincidentally (I swear!), on the morning of January 21 before I was alerted to this official day for, you know, celebrating our sworn enemies, I asked my local meats purveyor whether his shop ever had any squirrel on offer. He said yes, by special order only, 2 days in advance. I have marked my calendar for January 19, 2017 to put in my order, so on the 21st I will definitely be “appreciating” some squirrels.


Braised squirrel with bacon, mushrooms and Pinot Noir.
(image: Johnny Miller via Field and Stream)

IMPORTANT REMINDER: cook your squirrels thoroughly to make sure you KILL ALL OF THE FUCKING PLAGUE BACTERIA.

It’s time to wake up, people. Forget the War on Terror. And we definitely do not need a War on Drugs. What we need is a war on squirrels. These demon spawn pose perhaps the greatest threat human civilization has ever faced.


[a version of this post first appeared at perry street palace; it has been edited and updated for FtB]


  1. Lassi Hippeläinen says

    Squirrel Appreciation Day has the same abbreviation as Seasonal Affective Disorder. Just sayin’.

  2. kestrel says

    If your plan also includes prairie dogs, I am all for it. We’ve been over run in an area not originally populated by them because people in nearby large cities trap them and dump them here (which is now illegal). One of my neighbors noted that if Lewis and Clark had first named them “prairie rats” we would probably not have this problem, so I suggest re-naming the squirrels Tree Rats. (Although I must admit that I do find domestic rats to be pretty darn cute.)

  3. says

    Lassi Hippeläinen: Excellent point. Perhaps we can use this to our advantage in our awareness campaign, by creating deliberate confusion between the two?

    thebookofdave: I like the way you think.

    Kengi: BAD KITTEH.

  4. says

    I have a treasured cookbook published in Louisiana in 1933. It cheerfully promises, as well as “heritage” creole dishes, recipes for “everything that creeps, runs, swims, or flies across the back acre”. There are recipes for black bear, deer, raccoon, opossum, alligator, every type of fish, crustacean, turtle, and every bird that has ever dared the skies over Louisiana.

    There is also a section of squirrel recipes! The one I shall always remember with awe is “Squirrel Head Pie”. It is the cleaned heads (skulls included) of ten to fifteen squirrels slow- baked in a pastry pie with onions. thyme and “lots of garlic and red peppers”.

    After careful consideration of the size and contents of a skinned squirrel head, I can only conclude times were very tough in Louisiana.

  5. chigau (違う) says

    jeanettecorlett-black #9
    Good thing cookbooks back then had few illustrations.

  6. freemage says

    I knew I had read something a few years ago about underground squirrel-hunters here in Chicago. I managed to find it again with a bit of the Google. Enjoy: http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/why-eating-squirrels-makes-sense/Content?oid=7215952

    I suspect this line, alone, will bring warmth to your heart:

    A well-circulated formula for Kentucky Burgoo Stew in the 1939 cookbook Fine Old Dixie Recipes calls for an astonishing 600 pounds of squirrel meat, “1 doz. to each 100 gals.”

    Imagine how rapidly you could cull your enemies with that recipe at the ready….