Jeezus sentenced for his part in 1/6 insurrection today. Also, WTF Steve Buscemi?!


photo taken during 1/6 insurrection: foreground = man who looks like traditional depictions of the Christian deity carrying his infamous cross - except it's a Trump flag. looming behind him is a guy who resembles actor Steve Buscemi.photo taken during 1/6 insurrection of Jeezus carrying his infamous cross Trump flag in the U.S. Senate, while actor Steve Buscemi looms menacingly behind him. (via AP)

According to the Associated Press, the Christian deity will be the first to face sentencing for a felony today in connection with the January 6 insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. It also turns out that Jeezus hails from Florida BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES.

Further, in a development that has been suspiciously underreported, actor Steve Buscemi appears to be right there, insurrectin’ right along with Jeezus, as you can plainly see for yourself in the above image.

According to a recent filing in the case, federal prosecutors want Jeezus, who presently goes by the name “Paul Allard Hodgkins,” to serve 18 months in federal prison for a single count of obstructing an official proceeding, to which he has pled guilty. The maximum sentence is 20 years. It is obvious that Jeezus is receiving special treatment because of his deity status, in a country where 65% of adults claim to worship him as a god.

These criminally corrupt prosecutors actually said that Jeezus deserves “leniency for taking responsibility almost immediately and pleading guilty to the obstruction charge.” This is the kind of shit one expects to hear from defense attorneys. Jeezus was also accused of additional serious crimes, yet somehow was not indicted for them as others were.

Prosecutors are asking the sentencing judge for leniency despite these facts:

Video footage shows [Jeezus], 38, wearing a Trump 2020 T-shirt, the flag flung over his shoulder and eye goggles around his neck inside the Senate. He took a selfie with a self-described shaman in a horned helmet and other rioters on the dais behind him. [?!! So much for the much-touted “first commandment” I guess. You know: the one about no other gods before himself? –Ed.]

[Jeezus] boarded a bus in his hometown of Tampa bound for a Jan. 6 Trump rally carrying rope, protective goggles and latex gloves in a backpack…that demonstrated he came to Washington prepared for violence.

On the day, he walked through grounds already littered with smashed police barriers and broken windows, evening [sic] passing police officers and others injured as the crowd surged toward the Capitol…

“Time and time again, rather than turn around and retreat, [Jeezus] pressed forward,” the government filing said.

I am side-eying the fuck out of this. Prosecutors should be urging the judge to throw the proverbial (<–hahaha) book at him, if only to send a message to the 65% of U.S. adults who literally worship Jeezus that violent, traitorous insurrectionists will be dealt with swiftly and severely, and given the maximum punishment permitted by law – deity or no.

And that’s to say nothing of the curious silence surrounding Steve Buscemi’s involvement in this whole thing. I dearly hope some intrepid reporter, somewhere, is on the case.

UPDATE: While I was writing this post, Jeezus was sentenced to 8 months. EIGHT FREAKIN’ MONTHS! If this is not exactly the kind of travesty that makes a total mockery of our justice system, then nothing is.

Comments

  1. Bruce says

    I think they can still charge Jesus on that 2000 year old rap of committing suicide, which is certainly illegal. And also disrupting commerce in the temple. And there are also RICO charges against him for running a mob gang that he ordered to steal a horse and a donkey, which he publicly and blatantly used at the same time to ride in on to Jerusalem. It was a conspiracy, I tell you.

  2. says

    @Crip Dyke, dear Lard that is physically sickening to me. It reminds me of a Supreme Court case some time ago where Scalia argued the same thing: it was more important to uphold the system that yielded an unquestionably wrong guilty verdict than to right the injustice. It was the first time I had heard a conservative make this…this… “argument”? Although the details of the case are foggy now, I remember thinking that any person holding or aspiring to the title of “Justice” should be immediately impeached or disqualified for this deeply evil view.

    I do hope it is clear that I do not *actually* consider this d00d’s prison sentence “exactly the kind of travesty that makes a total mockery of our justice system.” That sentence was typed with tongue-firmly-implanted-in-cheek. Those at your link and the many, MANY more cases like them are the ultimate travesties. I don’t think it is even possible to seriously or credibly discuss the U.S. criminal (in)justice system without discussing race: that, of course, is what lies at the rotted roots of it.

    @Tabby Lavalamp: I can see that. Or perhaps it is someone who shares DNA from both of them! :o

    @Bruce: not to mention the countless property damage claims for shit like burning down that fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season when he was hangry, and iirc, someone’s herd of pigs he drove right off a cliff. Guy’s always been a fucking menace to society.

  3. billseymour says

    @Crip Dyke, yeah, I heard about that.

    I’m from Missouri.  I wish they’d quit showing me how disgusting they are.

  4. gedjcj says

    If that guy was born to Hebrew parents in first century Palestine, I can see how the rumors of virgin birth got started. :-p

  5. says

    @Iris

    I do hope it is clear that I do not *actually* consider this d00d’s prison sentence “exactly the kind of travesty that makes a total mockery of our justice system.” … Those at your link and the many, MANY more cases like them are the ultimate travesties.

    I think it’s both. Or, rather, it’s the disparity between the two.

    One could, theoretically, have a system that is ridiculously harsh, but not a mockery of itself, in which the government opposes freedom for persons proved innocent and also gives the people who attempt to physically overthrow the government 20 years of hard labor.

    Once could also have a system (like many around the world do) in which taking the insurrection crimes seriously still wouldn’t result in a difference in sentence from what Jesus got here. But in those places, they would not be opposing freedom for the innocent.

    No, you’re right to call this out. It is only by placing these very different responses together that we see what the system truly values, and what it truly loathes.

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