Atheism and Recovery – What if I didn’t have a mental illness?

I became an atheist early in my recovery and it remains an important part of my life to this day. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my twenties. Dealing with psychosis was confusing and frightening but when I tried medication everything changed. I had always been skeptical but when I experienced hallucinations that were spiritual in nature I was left with a lot of questions. A moment of clarity came when the anti-psychotics kicked in. My hallucinations aren’t real – and neither is god. I was always looking for an explanation. I just never considered the explanation to be a mental illness. My diagnosis came with some relief – this is treatable.

That moment of clarity flipped a switch and I declared myself an atheist. Years of suffering came to an end with a simple solution – medication. 

But what if that moment never came? What if I never had a mental illness? Would I still be an atheist?

First of all, my husband asked me this question and it is so hard to picture. My mental health symptoms started in early childhood so I really don’t know any different. I am not my illness but it is still an important part of me. It often explains why I do the things I do.

My journey to becoming an atheist may be a little unique, but I still believe even if none of the mental health issues happened, I would still be an atheist.

I’m a curious person – it’s always been in my nature to question. I questioned the existence of god in childhood and the judgmental people in the town where I grew up definitely made me question the goodness of Christianity. Mental illness or not, I always knew I didn’t want to be like them. Questioning at that time came with a lot of guilt and fear but I feel no matter what I would have ended up with the same conclusion – I am an atheist.

Were there any specific events that led to your atheism? If those events hadn’t happened, do you still think you would be an atheist?

My 6-year-old daughter told me god is real.

I’m still trying to unpack this one. I don’t even remember how it came up, but it did. We were just hanging out in the living room after dinner and my daughter told me that god is real. When I asked her why she thought that, she said because angels and the devil are real, too. 

I let it go. I didn’t push too much because my daughter also thinks zombies and Santa Claus are real and to me, god is on that same level.

I really want to dig deeper and find out where she is getting this information. She is in the first grade and also goes to daycare. She also spends quite a bit of time playing with the little girl next door. 

Is this worth investigating? Is she just being a 6-year-old repeating what she hears in the community? I still feel I should step in.

It scares me a little. We live in a conservative red state in the Midwest. I grew up here and even though my family didn’t go to church, I was always surrounded by Christianity. It led to a lot of hurt and confusion in my childhood, and anger and resentment in adulthood. I don’t want my daughter to go through that. 

My husband and I have been very careful in giving our daughter a secular childhood. Secular daycare. Public school. She’s never been to church. We have never exposed her to any religion. Maybe that’s part of the problem. She deserves an explanation.

I don’t want to shelter my daughter, but I do want to protect her. Being exposed to religion is inevitable. I want to teach her to be skeptical and use common sense, but I get the feeling that that might be a little much for a 6-year-old.

Should I say something? Should I let it go? Help me out parents – have you encountered this?

An Assignment — A Goodbye Letter in My Eating Disorder

I want to share something that makes me cry every time I read it. Just a few days before leaving treatment in Chicago, my therapist had me write a goodbye letter to my eating disorder. I’ve struggled with eating disorders for nearly thirty years but this round of treatment felt different. Maybe this really is goodbye.

 

Dear eating disorder,

I never gave you a name or found a way to separate you from myself. I only recently learned that you are not a part of me.

You stole me from the playground many years ago. At times, I put up a fight but you never quite loosened your grip.

I wondered what my life would be like without you. There have been missed opportunities and soured relationships. You were at least partially to blame.

On Sunday I will leave treatment and this is your final notice to vacate my mind and body. I am moving on without you.

I will go back to Toledo and be the wife and mom I always wanted to be and that my family deserves.

I’m going to chase my dreams without reservations. You’ll never stand in my way again.

You’ve been in my life for so long that it’s hard for me to be independent. I will learn, grow, and relish my newfound freedom.

You will no longer speak for me or decide for me – for the first time I am in charge.

Get out.

This isn’t “see you later”; this is goodbye forever.

 

(Quick note: Many people name their eating disorder. This can be beneficial in recovery because it can help separate you from your disorder. For example, what are your thoughts, and what are your eating disorder’s?)