Canadians take their national birthday very seriously, and being clocked as a foreigner can be dangerous. If you happen to be an expat living in Canada, follow these simple steps to ensure you celebrate your Canada Day properly in order to avoid the mild-mannered scorn of Canucks.
- Order poutine: Ensure your poutine has been made with cheese curds. If it’s made with shredded cheese, send it back. Ensure your poutine’s gravy is hot enough to melt the cheese curds, if it’s not, send it back. Ensure your poutine is made with proper thick chip fries and not slim snaky fast food tries, if it isn’t, send it back. Make it clear you’re disappointed with the establishment, but remember to say “please” and “thank you.” Bonus points if you can get the waiter to make a “sorry mom” face. Acceptable variants from standard poutine include vegetarian gravy or a combination with a cultural dish (i.e. butter chicken poutine)–we are multicultural after all.
- Wear plaid: You don’t want to be mistaken for an American.
- Drink beer: Literally anything but American beer.
Common punishments for violating these screeds include: 1) Disappointed head-shaking; 2) Well-intended lectures; 3) Strongly worded letters; and 4) Issuing apologies to other Canadians on your behalf in order to shame you.
Additional regional customs might modify expectations for Canada Day:
- Speak French. Anglophones are not well received in certain parts of the country.
- Speak English. Francophones are not well received in certain parts of the country.
- Mock America.
- Praise the Queen.
- Scorn the Queen.
- Mistake Aussies for Brits and vice versa.
- Mistake Parisians for Quebecois and vice versa.
All in all, issue apologies often and preemptively, and you’ll likely be accepted as a Canuck.
-Shiv
Source: Scandinavia and the World
*Snort* Love the comic. I wish I was in Canada attempting to pass, anything to avoid the idiocy that is uStates Independence Day. Idiots in my town are already setting off explosions, oh pardon, fireworks that shake the windows. We’re having a great fucking time. *eyeroll*
Drunk people, fire and explosions. That’s what I have to look forward to for the next three fucking months in Almont.
In fairness, Canada has drunk white dudebros too. Substitute explosions for appropriating Cree or Blackfoot warcries, which is still obnoxious and racist as fuck, but at least fewer things are set on fire that way. I “only” got catcalled twice last night!
We had fireworks here in the Vancouver area last night; sadly they were on the other side our my apartment from the window so not only were we subjected to the startling noise, but we couldn’t even see them. I shall consider a strongly-worded letter to the appropriate authorities, for verisimilitude.
ANYWAYS inquiring minds would like to know what nationality we should be confusing Kiwis for, because normally I’d just go with Austrailian, but if the Brits are the Aussies and vice versa…? (Experience has shown that northern Italians should be confused for French, and generic-TV-accent Americans can pass for Vancouverites once they’ve learned to say “washroom”, “pop”, “double double”, and “loonie/toonie”, plus also “sorry” with the correct accent and frequency.)
A little late, but for next time: have two beer, and do not pluralize the word beer.
I watched the Canada Day Parade in Yellowknife.
It was awesome.
I think that if you are drinking different kinds of beer, you should pluralise.
“I drank three beer.” (they were all Grasshopper)
“I drank three beers.” (a Grasshopper, a Sleeeman, a Bud)
The first time I heard Canadian French I was like “something’s wrong here. This is odd. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but this is NOT what I know as French” And indeed the band was Canadian.
Giliell
‘Canadian French’ is a vast and complex thing.
New Brunswick and Northern Alberta don’t talk like Montreal.
chigau
I’m sure that’s true. But pretty sure neither of them talks like the French varieties I’m used to.
Just like all of the USA don’t talk the same but it’s still pretty easy to reliably pick out American English.