I want to share a little more of my first journal. This entry was written two days after I found out I was going to a treatment center in Chicago and four days prior to my admission. I was starting to prepare to leave. It was incredibly difficult dealing with insurance and admissions but now it was becoming real.

12/12/21

A couple of days ago, my husband said he doesn’t know anyone who obsesses about food like I do.

He’s right. It’s an obsession, addiction.

3:30pm — Ordered Tropical Smoothie Cafe (again). Got the same wrap and smoothie. 

Couldn’t finish it even though it was the first time I’ve eaten today.

We order from Door Dash almost every night – mostly because of me. I don’t want to cook and fast food is gross. It gives you a lot of selection and variety but I tend to order the same things over and over.

But it’s very expensive. My husband said they’ll save money when I’m in treatment and not ordering Door Dash.

My Amazon packages came – new jeans, long shirts to cover my butt when I wear leggings, and extra toiletries. I still need to do some shopping locally before I go.

I’m still waiting for something to blow up – something has to go wrong. Finding treatment has been an absolute rollercoaster and I don’t think the ride has come to a complete stop yet.

I’m getting ready to go but I’m cautious.

I’m so nervous about having to eat food I don’t like.

My daughter is starting to get upset. She knows I’m leaving. She mentioned it a couple of times today. She cried a little this afternoon and tonight she said she wants to go with me.

Deep down I was thinking she’s closer to my husband so it won’t be as big of a deal if I leave.

This might be harder than I thought.

My eating disorder is so ingrained in my life and it has been for years. I don’t know how I’m ever going to overcome it. It’s every day – every meal.

I feel I will be focusing on minimizing symptoms rather than doing away with them.

I keep thinking about how I’ll introduce myself once I get there. Of course I will tell them about my family. Do I tell them my age? Do I tell them I’ve been through this before? Do I tell them I have schizoaffective disorder? I mean, they’ll see the muscle tremors from the lithium. I definitely want to tell them I’m a writer.

7:30pm — Got to get high now! I won’t be able to do this in treatment.

9pm — Ordered Pizza Hut. Had four slices and two breadsticks. I still want more.

Leah left a voicemail – possibly Thursday at 9am?

Will it be worth it? I’m going to be putting my whole family under a lot of stress in order to get treatment. It better pay off.

At the time I wrote this I was at a point where I knew I was really sick and I also knew if I ate I would feel better but my hunger and satiety cues were completely gone. Most days I felt nauseous. In addition to recreational use, I would often use weed to have an appetite. I would get high, eat, and for a couple hours, I would feel normal.

I had no idea what was in store for me at treatment…or that it would change everything.