Many years ago when my husband and I were thinking of getting engaged, we decided we wanted children. We wanted at least two because my husband and I had good experiences with our siblings.
We were married for six years when we had our daughter. Early in our marriage, we were not in a good place financially to start a family, but after six years it felt like the right time.
Except for some pretty challenging morning sickness, the pregnancy and birth went smoothly. Everyone was happy and healthy.
At the time I had my daughter, I still thought there would be another baby in my future – but not right away. My husband agreed and I had an IUD placed.
A Change of Heart That Changed Our Plans
A few years passed and the idea of another baby made me nervous. I waited. I drug my feet. I could tell my husband was getting antsy and let’s face it – we were getting older. Maybe that window of opportunity was starting to close so I decided to have my IUD removed.
That didn’t last long.
When I thought about having another baby, I felt dread. There was a pit in my stomach. I thought about how costly and stressful it would be and about the sacrifices I would have to make.
After about three months, I told my husband I changed my mind. I decided to go on the pill. He was outwardly supportive but I know deep down I broke his heart.
Did I make the right choice?
Birth Control and Birthdays
I have been on the pill now for over a year and overall I am happy with my life.
I have a part-time job I love, ample time to write as well as time to spend with my husband and daughter. We have a cute little house perfect for our little family.
A second child doesn’t fit in the picture.
Later this year I will be turning forty and I feel there’s no turning back now. I hope I made the right decision. I wonder if I’ll regret not having more children when I’m older – when having more children would no longer be possible. I feel guilty for not giving my husband something he longs for – something we agreed upon many years ago.
It is tough being a woman of child-bearing age when life-changing decisions have to be made. I’m grateful the decision was mine. Despite the guilt and regrets, it’s so important that I had a say.
Right now I just don’t want to change a thing.