They’re not bad at sex, they’re abusive

Every once in a while the following conversation happens in my Twitter feed:

Dude: “eating pussy too submissive for me it feel gay”

Woman: “I’m fascinated at this trend of dudes admitting on social media how bad they are at sex.”

And don’t get me wrong, I do get the joke, I’ve made it myself, but today I thought that this was only part of the story. When feminist people talk about sex, we usually think of something that most people (but not everybody!) wants and enjoys, that often includes orgasms and lots of fun together in a mutually pleasing activity. Therefore, a cis guy who is not invested in his cis female partner’s pleasure as well as his own is really bad at this activity. This idea also lines up with the very patriarchal notice of men’s sexual prowess, where a man’s value is linked to his ability to “satisfy” women in bed, only that in that version sheer exhaustion is seen as success as well.

So already we’re talking about different ideas of what “good in bed” means, but for the moment the following definition must suffice: straight guy is good in bed when his female partner enjoys the sex. The guy in this tweet does not think about his partner’s enjoyment. He thinks of his own masculinity, which is very cis and very heteronormative. In his world her pleasure does not feature. Eating pussy is evaluated in terms of his social standing and self image. Giving her oral sex would be submissive, and I bet you a tenner that he absolutely feels entitled to getting oral sex because usually the Venn diagram of straight dudes not giving oral sex and dudes seeing it as her duty to perform oral sex is a circle.

Given that he is very much invested in his own pleasure and not at all in hers, we can pretty much say that he will enjoy sex much more than she will. And usually people crave things they enjoy a lot more and things they don’t really enjoy that much less. What do you think happens when a dominant man who enjoys sex a lot is together with a woman who enjoys it less? Personally I don’t think that he’d simply accept a “no”. At least he will repeat asking, nag, talk about how she’s neglecting him. In the end there will be consent, but there won’t be consent that’s freely given. There will be “duty” at best and violence at worst. A man who publicly declares that he is not invested in giving his partner pleasure is therefore a man you shouldn’t let near you.




  1. says

    “eating pussy too submissive for me it feel gay”

    And asking his girlfriend for a blowjob doesn’t make this guy feel that she could be secretly lesbian?

    There are so many things wrong with this statement: (1) there is nothing wrong about being gay; (2) there is nothing wrong about being submissive; (3) this statement stinks of a sense of entitlement; (4) sex is better when people care about their partner’s pleasure; (5) caring about your partner’s pleasure doesn’t make you “submissive,” and also people who prefer to be dominant ought to do this.

  2. voyager says

    Well said, Giliell.
    It’s basic reciprocity. I scratch your back and you scratch mine, so to speak. Years ago, when I was single, I dated a few men who didn’t much care about my pleasure. Those relationships didn’t last. I was happier home alone with a good book and fresh batteries.
    A good partner is one who asks what you like, takes the time to learn your quirks and makes sure that you’re both satisfied. It’s so simple.
    As for men who feel entitled to sex, why is that? Seriously, where and when do men get these ideas?

    Also, I agree with everything Andreas said.

  3. brucegee1962 says

    There are lots of ways that men admit to being bad at sex on the internet.
    I’ve heard over on We Hunted the Mammoth that there’s a lot of noise among MWTOW about how Real Men should only want to have sex with virgins. That clearly sounds to me like men who are so abysmally insecure about their own sexual abilities that they feel certain that, if they are compared with anyone at all, they will be found wanting.

  4. lumipuna says

    Just to reflect further on Giliell’s point,

    In progressive circles, it is often assumed that everyone enjoys receiving oral sex – and that for cis women in particular, cunnilingus is the primary way of enjoying sex. If this is true for you, then dating this guy would be self-evidently a bad idea. This is the basis for the light-hearted mockery we see online.

    But what if you’re not that much into cunnilingus? AFAIK such women exist, and also many who aren’t part of the sex-positive culture might not yet know they like cunnilingus. Still, it is pretty safe to assume that he’d likely be a problematic partner in various ways, and not even just sexually.

    His refusal to provide cunnilingus is apparently not some weird personal quirk, but connected to dank patriarchal ideas revolving around homophobia, male sexual dominance and devaluing of woman’s sexual pleasure. He doesn’t seem to be advertising his refusal for the purpose of screening sexually compatible partners, but rather in gleeful defiance of the progressive male ideal. He’s likely an all-around misogynist, not to mention homophobe and generally conservative (relevant if you don’t want a partner with those politics).

    As Giliell notes, he’d likely neglect your sexual needs (not just cunnilingus) and expect sexual service for himself. He might very well violate your consent, especially if you lose interest in sex or can’t easily accommodate the kind of sex he likes. I’d also suggest that he’d likely want to maintain rigid old-fashioned gender roles in everything, especially when it suits him. He’d likely neglect your emotional needs. He might have some weird or dangerous expressions of overzealous masculinity.

  5. says

    lumipuna @#4

    But what if you’re not that much into cunnilingus? AFAIK such women exist, and also many who aren’t part of the sex-positive culture might not yet know they like cunnilingus.

    Personally, I am not that much into cunnilingus. I mean, it feels pleasant and I can enjoy it, but there are other things I enjoy more. Cunnilingus would not be the first thing I’d ask for during sex.

    Nonetheless, I would absolutely refuse to date a guy who makes such statements. Not because I care about receiving cunnilingus, but because of all the other implications. The person who wrote this shit implied that: (1) he has an oversized sense of entitlement; (2) he doesn’t care about his girlfriend’s pleasure; (3) he has toxic attitudes about gender roles and towards gays; (4) he has bad ideas about dominance (dominant people who are into consensual BDSM relationships usually don’t say this kind of crap).

  6. Frederic Bourgault-Christie says

    Yeah, the best thing we can say about guys like this is that they put their own desire not to feel gay or weak or submissive over doing something they have good reason to believe could bring someone they like or even love pleasure. Is that good?

    It’s a fair point that a lot of the guys who act this way do not care about their partners’ well-being. If they did, they would learn how to improve it.

  7. ColeYote says

    “eating pussy too submissive for me it feel gay”

    Oh, yeah, as a gay man I totally have oral sex with women all the gottdang time.

Leave a Reply