1. says

    rq, I think Danny looks right sexy sporting knitting needles.

    Kengi, yes, it is an issue which gets overlooked, and it’s often single men who end up being caregivers, and they aren’t exactly overwhelmed with resources.

  2. says

    I was happy to see this one get a right smack:

    7. “You are a saint,” or “Your reward for caregiving will be in heaven.” How about now? Our ultimate reward is precious time spent with our loved ones, knowing we are doing our best for them and being appreciated for what we are doing. Believe me, we are all far from perfect. We often feel inadequate, angry and exhausted. Sometimes when you say things like this it makes us feel that we shouldn’t expect support or appreciation now, while we are in the midst of it, or suggests we are superhuman and don’t need support.

  3. Kengi says

    4. “You look really tired; you really need to take care of yourself.” Tell me something I don’t know! I am aware that I’m tired, have gained weight, have health issues and more; I don’t need you to tell me this.

    This is one I get a lot. I understand, coming from my close friends, the intent, and usually can take it as it’s intended. But I also get it a lot as a guilt trip, also as it is intended, especially from my doctors.

    “You really need to get that taken care of because I know you want to be there for you dad.”

    “Yeah, doc, that guilt trip is just what I needed. That, and the money to cover the deductible, and some way of taking care of dad while I’m in the hospital. But your guilt trip is really what will make a difference for me!”

  4. Kengi says

    Thanks for the thought of help, Caine, despite the distance. Money really is the root of the problem (or, more accurately, living in the fucking United States of Corporate America). A less expensive solution I’ve looked into may be to put dad in a care facility while I go in to the hospital (as soon as I finish saving up for the deductibles for me). But that’s also pretty expensive. The real tragedy is that, if he falls, or goes into a diabetic coma while I’m away, Medicare will spend tens of thousands of dollars to take care of him, but won’t spend a dime to help prevent that.

    I have a good friend who lives a little over an hour away, and we are discussing how much he could help out. Maybe with him or his wife coming by once a day, and taking the free first month of “I’ve fallen and can’t get up” service, we can make do at home some way. And dad needs to go in for a brief hospital stay himself before I can go in. And I have no idea what may happen to my ACA insurance at the end of the year. And… Well… Thanks for the thought. I appreciate your kindness and friendship.

  5. says

    I really wish I was close enough to offer a bit of respite for you now and then, and give your Dad a change of pace, too. I fucking hate that people have to calculate their lives with such stinginess, care should not come with such a cost.

    I can always manage to toss a bit of money your way -- if you need it, and it could help, you have it.

  6. voyager says

    Caregivers are superheroes. It is one of the hardest things to do and they often fall ill themselves just trying to cope. My best advice to others was always practical support. Take a meal, offer to drive, or shop or just sit with someone while the caregiver gets out or just sleeps. But dear lord it must be frightening and awful to age in America. Here in Canada things are not perfect, but both my parents have had support when they needed it. Of course, I worked in home care for many years so I know the system, but there are Case Managers here for those who need it. No income tests. Allowances for those with minimal support. Things keep getting tighter, but we’re fighting back. Health care is considered a Right here, not a luxury. This is of the things I least understand about your country.

  7. Kengi says


    if you need it, and it could help, you have it.

    Thanks. I’ll ask if I really need it.


    But dear lord it must be frightening and awful to age in America.

    It scares the hell out of me. I was close to emigrating back in 2000, and I now really regret not getting out when I could more easily do so.

    This is of the things I least understand about your country.

    Greed. America is greed. The American dream is like the lotto. The vast majority of people end up losing money, but always dream they will be the one to win the lotto. Yet the lotto is based on everyone losing except the winner. The secret to America is marketing that dream and convincing everyone to give up everything of value (such as their healthcare) with the promise they might somehow be the big winner someday.

  8. voyager says

    Kengi, Your situation sounds grim. What a terrible system. No one should have to save money to cover deductibles before they can be treated. I’m sure you’ve been around the block twice trying to find a good solution, but sometimes volunteer agencies can help. Meals on wheels, reassurance daily phone calls, volunteer visiting. Maybe there’s a guide for your community, although I imagine you’ve probably looked into all this by now.

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