Priorities, Priorities (Football vs Cancer)

We’ve got ISIS and Ebola, we’ve got protests in Hong Kong
We’ve got Ferguson Missouri, where the cops say, “move along”
ICU’s have children with enterovirus 68
And there’s virulence as metaphor—they call it #gamergate
There are wars across the planet; people dying every day
And the climate, half-forgotten, set to blow us all away
With so many needy causes, all so worthy of your prayers…
Could I focus your attention on a pair of millionaires?

She’s a model; he’s a quarterback (he’s really very good,
But last week, he didn’t have the game the critics thought he should)
As a pastor in Los Angeles, I know the couple well
So let’s pray for Tom’s successes! (as for ISIS, who can tell?
If Ebola is God’s judgment, who am I to disagree?)
But New England over Cincy? Won’t you pray along with me?
Oh… and tell the Bengal lineman—whose little girl has cancer—
There are times when you can pray and pray… but, sadly, God won’t answer.

I am ready to remove my eyes with a grapefruit spoon. As you might guess, I just watched the news. Light-hearted, human interest stuff, about a Los Angeles priest asking parishioners to join him in praying for someone who needs their help. Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. Multimillionaire, married to millionaire supermodel, incredibly talented, well-practiced athlete, part of a veritable machine of a team that simply does not lose two in a row. Clearly, someone in need of God’s help.

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The Patriots did win (yay, God!). Which means, of course, the team with the guy whose daughter is battling cancer lost (boo, God!). Which means God works in mysterious ways, or some shit.

But holy fuck, ABC News, your headline: Did Divine Intervention lead Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady to Victory?

Clearly, the Christian religion is under attack in America, in danger of disappearing from the public arena. Well, with the minor exception of EVERYWHERE.

(note…. today’s verse originally was planned to have active links for each topic, pointing you to stories on ISIS, on Ebola, on Ferguson, etc. But frankly, it got far too depressing. So I took them out. You wanna be depressed? Search for yourself.)

“Christian Sexual Atheists?”

Donald is a farmer; he’s a steward of the earth
He’s a bible-thumping Christian, too, since practically his birth
He’s on all the church committees, cos he knows religion’s worth
And he’s never had a meal without a prayer.
Mary has a part-time job—a local clothing store
Her husband leads the household, and she wishes nothing more
She also is a Christian; she was saved when only four
Oh, and she and Don are having an affair. [Read more…]

Turns Out Atheism Proves God’s Existence… Conveniently.

An absence, of course, is an absence of something,
Or else it’s no absence at all!
So atheists know, it’s an absence of GOD
Whom they claim disbelief in, recall—
But they can’t disbelieve in a thing that is not,
Or the concept just wouldn’t make sense!
And thus atheists prove that my God does exist,
While their own claims are purely pretense. [Read more…]

“It’s Nature’s Law–You Know, Like On Noah’s Ark”

Since the dawn of the world Humanities men mated with women, and women with men… it’s the way of nature. No mention of gay couples surviving the floods on Noah’s Ark, they were left to swim.

That’s what I call sticking the landing. That was a real response (I think) in a thread on marriage (formerly known as “same sex marriage”). [Read more…]

Atheism As A Religion: A Phenomenally Ignorant Book

Y’know what? Fuckit. I was going to write a verse for this one, but it honestly doesn’t deserve one. Not even one of mine (which, I guarantee you, take less time and effort than most). See, my aggregator tells me there is a new book out: Athesim As A Religion: An introduction to the world’s least understood faith. By Mike Dobbins. If you follow the link, you can read an excerpt. If you do not follow the link, you can read the same excerpt here, along with my reaction to that excerpt. Honestly, I would rather you not give them the clicks, but if you have doubts, by all means click through and verify. [Read more…]

“Spiritual Home” Repairs

“Mormonism is my spiritual home,” she says.

“And if I see that my home needs renovations I invest in making it a better place.”

My windows need reglazing
And my plaster has a crack
The attic’s full of hornets—
There’s a big nest in the back—
The bathroom plumbing’s leaky
And I broke a couple stairs
But my home is still my home, and so
I’m making some repairs. [Read more…]