Department of Bad Ideas – Mass Shootings

Content Warnings: Murder, Ableism, Suicide, Abuse, etc.  This is me being a shitty edgelord for a minute.

Nobody likes mass shootings, even rethuglicans.  A few people carry out the practical end of Fucker Carlston’s stochastic terrorism and gun control looks reasonable – the NRA doesn’t want that, even if they don’t give a shit about a mountain of dead children.  Nobody who knows one of these killers is surprised by them doing the deed.  Sometimes they’ve even been ratted out to the authorities, who were too slow to act on the information.  This suggests to me a solution.

If you’re very pro-gun and you know somebody who is going to kill lots of people, murder them before they can do it.  They are usually troubled enough you could make it look like a suicide easy, and who is going to believe this as a motive for murder?  You’ll know in your heart that you saved lives – you were the fabled good guy with a gun, putting one in the back of your friend’s dome like George did Lenny.  And you’ll know you helped prevent bad press for your beloved assault rifles.

Literally everybody wins.  The children live, the guns keep their good name, you get the joy of committing a murder which is something I know you all desire so richly, and your troubled friend is released from all earthly suffering – their boiling rage allowed to cool and subside into the earth along with their physical corpus.

There are of course multiple reasons this is a bad idea.  Conservatives are spectacularly bad judges of where the violence and abuse in society are coming from.  Youth Pastor Handsy?  Solid dog.  Coach Concussion?  Made you into a real man.  Officer Beatdown?  The thin blue line.  Autistic Steve with the tics?  Who let him be a janitor?  Somebody should part him out for organ donations.  Making this ask to the kind of people in a position to carry it out is both advocating murder, and asking them to be as ableist as possible about who they choose to kill.

I just felt clever in a terrible way for two seconds and had to share my faulty math.  I hope you enjoyed it as dark humor and forgive me if you did not.  Thanks.


  1. lochaber says

    I know it will never survive any sort of legal scrutiny, but along the same lines, I kinda wish we could counter “stochastic terrorism” with “stochastic defense”

    like, it should be a legal defense that someone killed a nazi/bigot/fascist/forced birther/misogynist/transphobe/proudboy/3%er/oathkeeper/etc., because they are trying to kill you and/or those you care about.

    Yeah, I realize this immediately veers out of “morally grey” territory and into all sorts of bad scenarios…

    But, at the same time, we are already seeing all sorts of bad scenarios play out. I sometimes scroll through the google news headlines (rarely actually read the articles…), and noticed their “fact check” bit on the right column was full of bullshit about the right trying to misidentify the Uvalde shooter as some random trans redditor. If anything, that rando redditor needs protection, not the cowards in the Uvalde PD with all their SWAT training and military gear…

    I’m not make much sense, I’m still mad about so many aspects of recent events, but I’m really mad that the cops not only prevented parents from doing what the cops were too cowardly to do, but actively assaulted and restrained them. It’s easier to break things than to build things, and I don’t have the resources to build much anything helpful, so part of me really wants a way to break things for a good cause…

    Apologies to those with children, but although I’ve never desired reproducing, the past few years have made me really grateful for both never having the desire to reproduce, and for avoiding accidental/circumstantial/etc. reproduction. I don’t have much hope, either for the future of the U.S., or human civilization as a whole.

    It’s really disappointing…

  2. lanir says

    Lochaber, I think your idea already exists. It requires a little fingling to pull off but what you’ve described, where you get to pretty much kill anyone you want especially if you disagree with them? That’s one way the various “stand your ground” laws have been used. Not sure if or how it worked out in the end but last I heard there were various stories about people using them to ambush someone they didn’t like, then claim they were threatened and open fire.

    I wouldn’t recommend depending on one of those laws though. I’m not qualified to give legal advice but from the information I’ve heard about them, their application is even more openly corrupt and unequal than the rest of our legal system.

  3. says

    lanir – in fairness, this is bad idea time.
    lochaber – hard not to bring the despair these days. i’ve sworn off certain topics in an effort to not cosign my readers’ depression or suicidal ideation. still feeling that out.
    mikey – word.

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