Writing from pain – is it worth it?

I wrote a lot while I was in treatment for my eating disorder. I mean A LOT. I continue to write about my recovery and life after discharge.

I have a series of journals from this experience. Eight of them to be exact. Journal #1 is the month leading up to my admission. Journals #2-#6 were written while I was at the treatment center, and #7 and #8 were written after discharge while working with my outpatient team. 

Writing is an outlet for me. If I have to go through it, I’m probably going to write about it. Nobody likes to be in pain but that’s when I seem to be the most inspired. You would think it would be the opposite. As much as it sucks, a little drama seems to make my story more interesting. I’m proud of the things I write, I just wish my best work didn’t come from suffering.

Pain may be inspiring but is it unnecessarily prolonged when I decide to write about it? 

I intend to make a project out of my journals – possibly another memoir. My journals are honest and raw and when I finally decide to show them to the world, I think people might find them interesting. 

I just hope I don’t relapse in the process. I’m going to give it everything I’ve got.

I’ve always written from real life but maybe after this, it’s time to try a little fiction.

How do you deal with judgmental people?

I hate being judged even though I notice myself judging others sometimes. I’m trying to work on that.

In treatment, I worked on judgments about food and weight but I know it goes deeper than that. My family is made up of traditional Midwest WASPs although we used to be sprinkled with a few Catholics. Passive-aggressive judgments seem to be the name of the game where I’m from. I don’t think it’s just my family – it’s probably most families around here. 

I think moms are especially guilty of this. My daughter is a little night owl and sometimes it’s very difficult to get her to go to bed at a decent time. Another mom in my family has told me that her kids used to be in bed at 7:30 every night. EVERY night. She’s told me this about ten times.

Thanks for that. 

Which is more difficult to deal with – a judgment from a stranger or a judgment from a family member? I seem to forget about comments from strangers faster. When a family member says something to me, I tend to ruminate. Although I sometimes wonder if comments from strangers are more honest even though most of the time they’re meaningless. If a loved one judges you, is there an underlying motive? Is there a reason they want to hurt you?

One of my grandmas was particularly judgemental – racist and sexist even. As I got older, I learned more about her life. She got married pretty young because she was pregnant. While it doesn’t forgive her behavior, it seems to make a little more sense now. Her judgments only revealed how unhappy she was herself.

So now I question myself when I start noticing judgments stewing in my head. Is there something I’m unhappy about? Does this judgment really matter? What does this say about me?

While I work on myself, that doesn’t stop others from making judgments about me.

 

How do you deal with judgmental people?

Are you afraid of death?

Are you afraid of death?

I’m not going to lie – I am a little bit.

It has absolutely nothing to do with an afterlife. The idea of heaven and hell is pretty ridiculous. I mean, where are these mythical places supposed to be? Wouldn’t we have found them by now? 

One thing that really bothers me when I think of death is that you usually don’t know when you’re going to die. I don’t do well with uncertainty. 

What scares me the most is that maybe I won’t be able to do all the things I want to do. I want to spend time with my family. I want to see my daughter grow up. I want to pursue the things I’m passionate about such as art and writing. I’m an ambitious person and I want to do all of these things but there’s just no guarantee. 

Common sense tells me that nothing happens after you die but sometimes I wonder what it must feel like to die. It’s not like someone is going to come back from the dead and explain it to me. It’s just another unknown. 

I know this all means that I need to make the most of my time. Express love. Pursue passions. Explore. Learn everything I can. 

My daughter really hasn’t asked many questions about death, but when she does I plan on telling her that we return to the earth – something we’ve always been a part of anyway. 

Who else thinks about death? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 

Now that I’ve discussed a morbid and depressing topic, I’m going to end with something happy. My sweet little Sasha had five kittens on Cinco de Mayo. Here is one of their adorable little faces.

Sasha's little kitten

Speaking Out Against Stereotypes

Do we need to change the public’s perception of atheists?

I really don’t fit the stereotype of atheists. I’m sensitive, and creative, and I’m actually not that great at science. I’m not highly educated – I didn’t even finish my bachelor’s degree. I’m a Midwest mom who mostly stays at home. My friends and family would probably describe me as sweet and quiet. I’m hardly what you would call “militant” – I’m always trying to avoid conflict. 

Have people ever assumed that you must be a Christian because you’re nice? Where I live being a Christian seems to automatically make you a good person. 

I’m not going to lie, when people assume I’m a Christian, sometimes I just go with it out of safety concerns. Sometimes I just don’t want things to be awkward (even though they already are for me). 

But other times, I feel like I need to speak out – especially since I don’t fit the stereotype. Sometimes I really surprise people and it can be a good thing. 

Obviously, anyone can be an atheist.

Do you fit the stereotypes put on atheists? Do you feel a need to speak out against them?