The Reverend Peter Mullin doesn’t like those darn pushy homosexuals — they must make him feel uncomfortable and all squirmy deep down inside. He wrote some amazingly stupid things about gays.

The Rev Dr Peter Mullen said in an blog that homosexuality was “clearly unnatural, a perversion and corruption of natural instincts and affections” and “a cause of fatal disease”.

He recommended that homosexual practices be discouraged “after the style of warnings on cigarette packets”.

He wrote: “Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with FELLATIO KILLS.”

What about the heterosexual women? Everyone forgets the loving ladies in these arguments. Do they also get chin tattoos? That would be a real shame. And then there are those heterosexual couples that engage in all of the same activities that homosexuals do — why do they get a free pass from the Rev. Mullen?

He also didn’t say a thing about cunnilingus, but they never do. Lesbians also always get a free pass, and it’s just not fair. I’m beginning to think they are god’s favored people.

Let’s just simplify everything. At birth, everyone, male and female, gender preference as yet undetermined, gets two tattoos. One on their backside that says “EXIT ONLY”, with big bold pointy arrows, and one on their tongue that says “FOOD ONLY”. Since human beings are naturally obedient and incurious, these injunctions will of course be followed to the letter, and no one will ever be so rebellious as to try and see what else these body parts can do. They especially won’t be tempted by the instructions to the contrary so boldly written on their bodies.

I suppose that if people insist on being obedient, but start getting creative, we can extend the tattooing program to nostrils, armpits, earholes, hair, the bendy elbow bits, the back of the knee, toes, fingers and palms (Of course! Palms are very naughty), that very sexy curve at the nape of the neck, household pets, underwear, soles of the feet, washing machines, noses, eyelashes, feather dusters, shoes, athletic socks, belly buttons, nipples, lips, beards, showerheads, the Bible, pommel horses, horses, my little ponies, anything vaguely phallic, anything with a hole in it, skin, oh heck, everything except Tab A and Slot B. They’re all dangerous, except for the aforementioned Tab A and Slot B, which never get anyone into trouble and never cause any risk or danger when used properly, errm, I mean, naturally. And of course, when everything is labeled, and someone sees a nice silk tie prominently marked “NOT FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES”, no one will get any crazy ideas.

We should also begin a pattern of early childhood education in which the little tykes are instructed in exactly what is “natural”, and informed that they can’t do anything “unnatural”. As a textbook, I recommend Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation^{(amzn/b&n/abe/pwll)}, which takes a very ecumenical approach to the subject. Remember, kiddies, don’t do anything a sponge louse or a duck or Acarophenax mahunkai wouldn’t do!

Rev. Mullin lacks the courage of his convictions, however; now he plays the “my best friends are gay” and “I was only joking” cards very unconvincingly.

But the rector insisted that he meant to harm: “I wrote some satirical things on my blog and anybody with an ounce of sense of humour or any understanding of the tradition of English satire would immediately assume that they’re light-hearted jokes. I certainly have nothing against homosexuals. Many of my dear friends have been and are of that persuasion. What I have got against them is the militant preaching of homosexuality.”

Here’s a hint, Rev. Mullin: it’s only satire if you say the cruel things about some people with he intent of mocking the cruelty, not to promote the continued discrimination against the people.

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Besides, some of the practices Rev Mullin derides may actually have some health benefits.