Big Science for us

I confess to feeling a faint twinge of envy at all the news about the Large Hadron Collider. It’s Big Science, it’s got lots of shiny fancy gadgets, and it’s like NASCAR for nerds — they get to spin things together at high speed and smash them together. We biologists lack anything quite so dramatic.

Until now.

Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.

Dr. Thomas Malwin, head of the research project, said, “The first test runs will only accelerate microscopic life-forms like bacteria and viruses to high speeds, but theoretically the GAS can handle animals as large as squirrels, hence the squirrel smasher moniker.”

Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called “Darwin particle” that could unlock the secrets to life.

Ha! Physicists only smash together tiny invisible things that require detectors to be seen. Our stuff will be much more photogenic, require splash goggles to witness, and a firehose to clean out the chambers afterwards.

What I hear when creationists speak

I like it. This is a perfect analogy to creationist argument.

The theory of childhood, also known as child origin, is a damnable, loathsome and indefensible lie. How can any thinking person suppose all humans used to be babies once?
There is no development path from babies to adults, no transitional forms between these two species. Show me even one baby with the head of a grown man on his body. Can you? No? Not even a bearded toddler? No adults with unfused skullbones, outside unfortunate disorders? Not even a tiny little newborn girl suddenly sprouting a respectable bosom? You can’t find them, because they don’t exist. There isn’t a single transitional form between children and adults, and you will never find one because the theory simply is an unscientific lie.

The development of children has been well-researched in our six-month study following a sample of one thousand children and adults of various ages. We have conclusively proven that while there are minor changes in features like height and body fat, and replacement of deciduous teeth with permanent teeth, incontravertibly still every creature in the study that started out as a child had only slightly more adult features at the end of the observation period than at its beginning. Children and adults are separate kinds and there will never be sufficient changes to change one into the other. We reject any evidence from longer-term studies as we believe the laws of physics have changed within the last year.

To claim people come from children is demeaning and morally degrading. We have observed how children behave. If we acted like small children we’d all be demanding and impatient, and we’d be cheating, lying, and stealing from each other all the time. If the theory of childhood were true there would be no morality, and with no morality to build one on, no society. Childhood is a wicked lie used by charlatans to justify evils such as public schools.

There is no consensus on the theory of childhood in the scientific community. We should teach the controversy. Our children will be served well to learn that the prospect of them becoming adults is merely a theoretical idea. Many children come from families that do not subscribe to the theory of childhood, and they could be disturbed if the theory were taught as fact.

(via)

But analyzing it takes all the funny out of the joke!

Lots of you have been mailing me this comic today, 9 Chickweed Lane, because it contains a bizarre proof of god. I know, it’s supposed to be funny, but let’s take it seriously just for a moment.

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To summarize the argument: Darwin’s theory predicts a progressive increase in human intelligence, refuting the Christian account; people are stupid; therefore, Darwin is refuted; therefore, god exists.

I assume the humor in the comic lies in the blatant illogic of the silly rationale the pompous ass in the blue overalls is bloviating (I hope…I don’t read this one very often, so I don’t know if the artist is one of those pontificating nitwits who really believes his captions [see Dilbert; see Poe’s Law]). But anyway, every step of his reasoning is wrong. Evolution does not predict a progressive pattern to our intelligence. The Christian account is an unsupported assertion instead of a description of the natural world, and many people interpret it in many different ways which do not necessarily preclude the observed natural distribution of intelligence. People are actually smarter than most, if not all, other species — compare us to cockroaches, for instance. Therefore, neither Darwin nor his strawman Darwin are refuted. Even if it were, though, disproving evolution does not mean one among many possible other alternative theories are proven.

OK, I’m done. Stop taking it seriously. You may now resume laughing at the arrogant fool in the comic strip.

What’s the opposite of a didgeridoo?

Apparently, it’s an eppendorf pipette. If you aren’t a science nerd, an eppendorf pipette is one of the ubiquitous tools of molecular biology — it’s a calibrated gadget for dispensing minute quantities of liquids.

Eppendorf is now selling an automated pipettor called epMotion … and judging by the promotional video and music, it’s also intended to raise estrogen levels. Don’t watch it unless you want to be emasculated!

(The tune is rather catchy. I’m suddenly in the mood to cuddle.)

epMotion Song

Pipetting all those well-plates, baby, sends your thumbs into overdrive
And spending long nights in the lab makes it hard for your love to thrive

What you need is automation, girl, something easy as 1 2 3
So put down that pipette, honey, I got something that will set you free

And it’s called epMotion (whisper: ’cause you deserve something really great)
Girl you need epMotion (whisper: yeah girl it’s time to automate)
It’s got to be epMotion (whisper: no more pipetting late at night)
Only for you epMotion (whisper: girl this time we got it right)

DNA
RNA
Proteins
Cell Cultures
Less reagents
Faster workflow
Saves you money
Well, well, well

And it’s called epMotion (whisper: ’cause you deserve something really great)
Girl you need epMotion (whisper: yeah girl it’s time to automate)
It’s got to be epMotion (whisper: no more pipetting late at night)
Only for you epMotion (whisper: girl this time we got it right)