my cellphone camera is no better at viewing small details than my aging eyes, which is ironic because this phone model has a bulging camera area and is sold on its supposed power.  it’s bullshit.

however, i do think it might have some advantages.  the january daylight has this strange quality for me, some days, where it is both weak and glaringly bright.  i wondered if my phone’s eye would see it the same, but the image was much more sensibly balanced than whatever’s happening on my retinas.

to me, the world outside is dismal, save the tops of cars and wet asphalt, which are blinding, eye-searing puddles and streaks of dull yellow-white.  glad i don’t have to drive.

anyway, hastily working on another article for later today.  wanted to wash the bile of my last post away before i put that up, and melancholy is as reasonable a chaser as anything.

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digging an old post out of drafts at the last second…

 

Rather than look forward to (this predated my doomerism policy)the apocalyptic corporate fascist world war three the orange ballsack is trying to start, let us look back upon the wasted potential in the recent Space Shooters films.  There were warning signs that J’brahms was too superficial and glossy to stick the landing.  I even clocked some of that stuff along the way, but chose to not dwell on it, hoping for a bright future.

Well, it’s time to dwell.  Or at least tarry for a moment.  What a wild ten years it’s been.

2009 Space Shooters, dir: J’Brahms.  This was less of a soft reboot and more of a chubby reboot of the series.  Turgid?  If this reboot lasts more than two hours, seek medical attention.  But it had an emotional through-line that was visceral, and big visuals that spoke to the giant scale of apocalyptic content in my dreams.  It felt legit.  Hokey, overblown, but legit.  I especially liked when they retconned Quinoa Djinn to play up his conflicted half-human heritage angle.  That part at the Fulcan Science Academy when he turned them down to join Space Fleet – badass.  The lens flare was a bad sign.  Maybe it was the poison at the heart of the whole proceedings.

2013 Space Shooters: Into Batchness, dir: J’Brahms.  This movie took a part originated by a rich corinthian adonis and gave it to a member of an underprivileged race – one of the cantina aliens from episode 4.  It was a radical move to appease us SJWs, and I don’t want to come off problematic here, but he just didn’t have the charisma to carry it off.  I swear it’s not because of his compound eyes!

2015 Space Shooters: The Fuck Actually, dir: J’Brahms.  This was an interesting one.  The first two movies in the stiff reboot were both squarely focused on the crew of the Starship Galactica – Captain Kenobi, Quinoa Djinn, Lieutenant Neytiri, and the rest.  This one introduced a whole new cast of characters, as if maybe he was trying to walk back from the heat generated by the casting choices in Into Batchness.

It also played up scientology and the cool powers it gives you, which was an interesting choice.  Dark scientologist Kyle Ron wants to give everybody body thetans or something.  Ray Palpable and Finn the Human form the heart of the movie – new friends on a big adventure.

It was a return to form – a strong emotional momentum and big apocalyptic visuals, tailor made for me.  The actors made all the difference, because the script was actually very flimsy.  They told the story with their faces and the guy at the lens helped make that happen.

The warning signs here: When Finn ended the film in a coma, it felt like an insurance policy that would allow them to write him out of the sequel if the racist backlash to the trailers proved dangerous at the box office.  I was extremely fucking leery of that.

Plus the lack of time spent with character development – even compared to the first one – was maybe a hint the director might be a soulless scumbag who was good at playing heartstrings with visuals due to experience directing hallmark commercials.

2016 Space Shooters: Tokyo Drift, dir: Justin Lin.  This one returned to the characters Space Shooters had started with so memorably, but something about the commercials put me off and I never got around to watching it.  Nobody I know suggested I’d missed anything.  It had Idris “Heimdall” Elba and motorcycles, which were a setup for the spinoff series “Hobbs and Shaw.”

2017 Space Shooters: TemporoMandibular Joint, dir: Jack Ryan.  Abbey recently pointed out that this movie caught a lot more flak from squalling fascist baby boys than the previous scientology-oriented entry in the series, and that it was a bit mysterious.  My own feeling is that they were already primed for revolt by their previous casting-based tantrums and something about the moment in US politics made it feel like go-time.  I seem to recall some billionaire rapist emboldening a lot of domestic terrorists at the moment.

Anyhoo, Jack Ryan turned in a weird but interesting movie.  I loved a lot of things about it.  But again it had a new character who had sparked controversy with nazi bitch boys landing in a security coma at the end of the film.  And I felt like the main characters – Ray Palpable and Finn the Human – were weirdly lacking in agency through almost the whole run time.  At least there were strong hints they could come to dominate the plot in the coming sequel / grand finale.  This was two questionable things that loomed as possible issues in the last movie, but could have been easily moved past.

2019 Space Shooters: Rule of Rose, dir: J’Brahms.  It didn’t happen.  They used the security coma to separate out our girl Rosie from the main cast and bury her in the background.  Finn’s character never developed beyond the first movie when he went to rescue Rey from the big laser death planet.  Ray just got shuffled through the expected paces and landed alone with no found family, just an orphan like at the beginning of her movies.

Her scientology powers were given a dramatically uninteresting excuse lifted from early fan theories.  A beloved villain from an earlier iteration of the franchise showed up with zero fanfare and couldn’t help but fail to elevate the proceedings.  I didn’t see it myself, but I have all of this on good authority.  I’m not even going to pirate it.  It’s just sad.

Live long and prosperity be with you, Space Shooter fans.  I’m sorry J’Brahms turned out to be another false messiah like Josh Weedlin before him.  It just doesn’t pay to like celebrities that much, but even for non-fanatical types, this was a sad one to watch playing out.  I feel you, kids.  I feel you.

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I really don’t care about being spoiled on most narrative media.  I might have felt very different about it when The 6th Sense came out, but I don’t even remember.  Anyway, spoil anything you want in the comments.

If something is good, it’ll still have some interest in the execution.  I knew Gregor Samsa turned into a bug and whatever happened after that was sad, absurd, and unpleasant.  The specifics still matter, still animate the reading experience.

But there is one story where I know the setup but do not know how it ends, and I would like to preserve the surprise.  Maybe it’s because the hook is more compelling than most, with no obvious solution.  Anyway, the story is centuries old; I’m a little overdue to find out.

But still, don’t spoil it!

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hey nerds what’s janet wearing in this video? is that, like, studded leather? brigandine? elven mithril?

srsly this was one of the first tapes me and my siblings ever had as kids, and it is a jam, son.
_

Spooktober is a 31 day event of coming up with original horror ideas based on prompts my writing group argues over.  These are my entries.

SPOOKTOBER DAY #12 — Haunted House

TITLE:  The Little Lady

PREMISE:  Young Fasel and Hasna are heirs to an estate on colonized territory.  One hundred years before them, the royal family retained people with various forms of dwarfism as servants to the children, so the children would not have to fear a tall stranger.  When they begin to see a lady of their own height, making friendly gestures, they assume it’s the ghost of one of those servants, reliving her role as a servant to children.  But it’s actually the ghost of a typical sized princess seeking revenge for the invasion, contorting her ectoplasm into child size as a lure for the foreign babes.

HORROR ELEMENT:  The funhouse effect, distorted bodies, children in peril.  Maybe the ghost can do that change-the-distance-in-a-hall gimmick for good measure.

Poster by AI, modified with photoshop.