Hello interwebs. I hope you’re having a lovely weekend! I had my first 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep in 6 weeks. No nightmares, no imaginary arguments, no staring at the ceiling and waiting for sleep to claim me. Acute episodes of PTSD suck. And at least part of that healing process has been trying to expand on some of the issues affecting me into broader discussions about how the issues permeate into society. Here’s what to expect for the May program on AtG:
I’m going to be revisiting my “bathroom bill selfie protest” topic in the coming weeks. It had been pointed out in the comments that I wasn’t clear I had two criticisms with the project: the participants who explicitly continued the dialogue about trans appearances; and the cis folk signal boosting said dialogue as if the appearances of trans folk matter. I’m going to be executing my own version of the protest, and while I’ll be packaging the idea with a Dr. Seuss-like takedown, I’ll also expand on the argument with a proper article.
I got (still am getting, even if I filter most of it) a lot of pushback on that article, some of it valid, much of it less so, so my next one has to be bloody thorough and it’ll take a while to put together. I’m sure that even if I step up my game the ratio of “valid criticisms” to “philosophical flailing” will still be like 1:10.
I want to do a piece on polyamorous relationships. I’ve been living poly relationship models for about 6 years. I intuitively set a lot of healthy terms for myself in how I would conduct my behaviour and expectations, but started to gain a more explicit understanding of polyamory 3 years ago when I devoured resources like More Than Two and The Ethical Slut. I have never attempted to find a partner as a couple–instead always searching for partners for myself, and supporting my partners in searches for other partners for themselves–but I have been on the receiving end of a few couple’s interests.
The negotiation periods with these couples usually disintegrates any possibility for relationships with me, because they don’t realize they are setting ludicrous expectations for their third. Things like (and I’m not joking): don’t exist openly; be prepared to readily lie about your relationship with us; love us both equally, but not as much as we love each other; agree that your needs are not a priority compared to ours. These expectations send a very hurtful message where the couple values their perception of being monogamous (i.e. their “couple privilege”) more than they value their third partner. I wouldn’t even agree to those terms if I was planning a strictly sexual encounter. So this article will be unpacking the idea that a poly secondary isn’t the same thing as second class, i.e. secondaries shouldn’t be second-class citizens in their own relationships and that all parties, regardless of their placement in some arbitrary hierarchy, have the same relationship rights.
I’m going to do another piece on BDSM, this time focusing on consent. There are many moving parts to an ethically conducted BDSM scene. I break it down into 5 parts: relationship negotiation, scene-specific negotiation, checking in during the scene (aka, “continuous consent”), playing within negotiated boundaries, and preparing appropriate aftercare. If any of you are familiar with the concept of affirmative consent, you’ll rightly say I just described sex-positive sex. That’s because most kinksters recognise the merit behind affirmative consent as the least risky model through which to behave in all walks of life. Our activities are often risky enough as it is, we don’t need to make the matter worse by shortchanging consent!
Plus whatever stuff catches my attention.
Stay safe and sexy lovelies,