Priorities, Priorities (Football vs Cancer)

We’ve got ISIS and Ebola, we’ve got protests in Hong Kong
We’ve got Ferguson Missouri, where the cops say, “move along”
ICU’s have children with enterovirus 68
And there’s virulence as metaphor—they call it #gamergate
There are wars across the planet; people dying every day
And the climate, half-forgotten, set to blow us all away
With so many needy causes, all so worthy of your prayers…
Could I focus your attention on a pair of millionaires?

She’s a model; he’s a quarterback (he’s really very good,
But last week, he didn’t have the game the critics thought he should)
As a pastor in Los Angeles, I know the couple well
So let’s pray for Tom’s successes! (as for ISIS, who can tell?
If Ebola is God’s judgment, who am I to disagree?)
But New England over Cincy? Won’t you pray along with me?
Oh… and tell the Bengal lineman—whose little girl has cancer—
There are times when you can pray and pray… but, sadly, God won’t answer.

I am ready to remove my eyes with a grapefruit spoon. As you might guess, I just watched the news. Light-hearted, human interest stuff, about a Los Angeles priest asking parishioners to join him in praying for someone who needs their help. Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. Multimillionaire, married to millionaire supermodel, incredibly talented, well-practiced athlete, part of a veritable machine of a team that simply does not lose two in a row. Clearly, someone in need of God’s help.

More ABC news videos | ABC Entertainment News

The Patriots did win (yay, God!). Which means, of course, the team with the guy whose daughter is battling cancer lost (boo, God!). Which means God works in mysterious ways, or some shit.

But holy fuck, ABC News, your headline: Did Divine Intervention lead Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady to Victory?

Clearly, the Christian religion is under attack in America, in danger of disappearing from the public arena. Well, with the minor exception of EVERYWHERE.

(note…. today’s verse originally was planned to have active links for each topic, pointing you to stories on ISIS, on Ebola, on Ferguson, etc. But frankly, it got far too depressing. So I took them out. You wanna be depressed? Search for yourself.)

Failed Attempt At Epic Coolness: Giant Hamster-Ball Trip From Miami To Bermuda

There could maybe be some trouble
If you’re running, in a bubble,
From Miami to Bermuda (that’s a thousand miles, plus!)
It’s a fairly silly notion
Ultramarathon-on-ocean
In a hamster-wheel contraption as your private magic bus

High above, the sun is sunning
And you’re running, running, running,
In a tiny little solar powered sauna on the sea
Getting hotter, hotter, hotter
While you’re running out of water
And the middle of the ocean is a nasty place to be

Not quite running, not quite boating
What you mostly are, is floating
On the North Atlantic Current, and you’re going with the flow
First it’s fun, but then, not funny
When your hamster-ball’s too sunny,
Overheating in the tropics is a nasty way to go!

Yeah, so… who among us has not wanted to take a giant inflatable hamster wheel and cross, say, a thousand miles of Atlantic Ocean with it? But Reza Beluchi actually tried it.

The Coast Guard rescued a man Saturday from the Atlantic Ocean after they advised him earlier in the week he did not have enough supplies in his hydro pod bubble vessel to make a trip to Bermuda.

Officers with the Coast Guard 7th District command center received reports Wednesday that the man, Reza Baluchi, was disoriented and asking for directions.

When officers arrived Wednesday, they told him the trip was dangerous and he did not have enough supplies on the floating bubble to sustain him. He only had protein bars, bottled water, a GPS and a satellite phone, according to a Coast Guard news release.

He at first refused assistance from a Coast Guard rescue vessel, but was forced to activate his emergency beacon 3 days later, and was safely rescued earlier today (Saturday). I really hope his insurance is up to date, or that he just happens to be independently wealthy, cos I expect him to owe a substantial pile of money for the trouble he put the Coast Guard to.

Mind you, XKCD had it covered years ago. Actually, twice.