The Firearms Purist

With apologies to Ogden Nash, who did it first and better.

I give you now Spokeswoman Twist
An NRA apologist;
She knew the difference, even trifles,
Between the different sorts of rifles
She parked her butt on newsroom stools
Explaining “we need guns in schools!”
When told there’d been another one,
A death from an assault-type gun
Spokeswoman Twist, she made it right:
“You mean,” she smiled, “an Armalite.”

I did try my best to get an “actually” in there in that last line, but it turned out to be more important to follow the form of the original.

Hat tip to every vertebrate on every comment thread who found it more important to say “there is no such thing as an assault rifle”. Y’all immediately made me think of Ogden Nash.

(edited to change 8th line, in case it looks different to you. Edited again to change L2, as per comment below.)


  1. Cuttlefish says

    I don’t think I sound sufficiently bitter in that last paragraph. I am very bitter. I lost a best friend to a rifle accident; my family has owned guns for generations, but no more.

  2. cartomancer says

    To my ears “enthusiast” does not rhyme with “twist”. Though I can imagine that in some accents it might. I would have gone with “apologist” myself.

  3. Cuttlefish says

    You are quite right. I’ll probably make the edit quietly, after the initial readers are done, and the only way anyone will know is by reading your comment.

  4. StevoR says

    This works.

    And something else seems to finally, just possibly be working. Maybe?

    These kids. These incredible powerful, courageous kids who show more sense and vision and maturity than any adult the NRA has ever had as spokesperson. Survived the shooting and the deaths of their classmates, speaking out and making an actual difference at long long damn last?

  5. StevoR says

    If you can bear it, I think this well worth watching and sharing.

    WARNING : Emotionally confronting and possibly upsetting, gun violence references (though no pictures only ones of the victims.)

    In Memoria — A response to the NRA Ads by the Parody Project, published on Mar 12, 2018.

    Despite the name of the channel which posts some great sabotaged versions of classic old songs this is far from a parody and far from funny but it is an incredibly powerful and moving tribute and response. Hope this is okay to share here and apologie sand understand if not & you want to delete it.

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