Never trust John Hagee with a secret

He’ll just babble the secret out everywhere and ruin it. He has revealed that the Anti-Christ will make himself known to the world on 30 August 2016. Way to ruin the surprise, guy.

(Warning: what follows is a half hour of stark raving madness. I only lasted 4 minutes.)

Welp, I was going to keep everyone on edge until 11:59 tonight, but I guess I might as well ‘fess up.

Oh, wait, no, not me. I’m not the Anti-Christ. I’m too stodgy and boring. There’s also another part of the surprise that Hagee completely missed.

Why would the anti-Christ be a man? This is where the cunning plan slipped right past the unthinking Abrahamic patriarchy.

Now I’m not going to just spill the beans right here. That’s her privilege.

I’ll just mention that today, 30 August 2016, is my daughter Skatje’s birthday. You might want to wish her a happy birthday. Send her presents. Maybe give homage.

Or else.


  1. says

    The “new” movie being advertised is from 2000, so Hagee was making this definitive prediction about the Anti-Christ sixteen years ago. No doubt his ministry will collapse after his prediction fails to come true. As if. His congregation of mindless sheep won’t even need an excuse from him. The prediction will have been conveniently forgotten.

  2. leerudolph says

    It’s the 31st here already, happy to say nothing happened.

    What, you don’t think the Antichrist can afford the best stealth technology?

  3. says

    jonmelbourne@5, you’re being silly. Only America is important when it comes to Bible prophecy. So the Antichrist still has several hours left to show his world ruling face. Just ask John Hagee(who I like to think of as John Thuggee).

  4. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    I think I missed Hagee announcingt of the date of the anti-christ coming due to retching throughout it.
    time stamp?

    really appreciated his display of technophobia (paranoia about tech) regarding cashless society. Teknologee making it easier to buy stuff and also for super hackers to know ones every purchase, location and movement.

    Thanx PZ, 4 ruinin my dinner /sarcasm

  5. jrkrideau says

    As I watch Hagee I am getting ads for eye glasses starting at $49. I need a new pair of glasses. I think I “believe”. Wait, why would I want a “Messianic Bible: Hebrew Bible for Christians”? I don’t speak Hebrew; I have enough trouble in French. I am reconsidering my “belief”. Aquaculture in Canada ad? Well, if we’re talking fresh water fish …? Perhaps god is telling me to follow a new and different path, slightly damp one even? Oops misread that, it was Agriculture in Canada. Well, sheep look nice. Blasted cattle are too big. I believe the canola market is not bad.

    Wait a minute! Hagee seems to be talking about a 70 year mortgage on my soul. That’s ridiculous —even a 30 year mortgage is pretty high if I can raise even a 10% down payment.

    I miss Dr. Gene Scott. When suffering from insomnia, I often listened to him on shortwave radio. It did take me a few months to decide that he was not a Poe but I am still not sure that he was not a really good con man. Well, perhaps he was a Poe and a con man. After years of listening to Scott I am still not sure.

    Scott’s discussion of the pyramid inch was brilliant. I do have some doubts about his analyses of Atlantis.

    As I watch Hagee, sadly I don’t think I can substitute Hagee for Scott. Scott, even if a mad wing-nut, was brilliant. I’m afraid Hagee is just too stupid. Pity.

  6. jrkrideau says

    PZ says I’m not the Anti-Christ. I’m too stodgy and boring.

    Aha, the old purloined letter technique. We have him/her/it or as Shekespre or Shakespeare, or however he spelt it, put it, “Methinks she doth protest too much”.

    Does this mean PZ is a cross-dresser?

  7. Akira MacKenzie says

    Anti-Christ my ass! The stars are right again! Yog Sothoth will open the gates and R’Lyeh will rise. Ever be the praises to Great Cthulhu! Ia! Ia!

    Embrace the madness!

  8. Menyambal says

    Happy Birthday!

    And if this is one of those stories where the Antichrist was switched at birth, Happy Birthday to the other kid, too.

  9. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    When will these prophecy guys learn not to put a specific date on their nonsense? Prophecy lives through vagueness!

    Anyway, Happy Birthday to Skatje on this specific date!

  10. robro says

    anthonybarcellos — They won’t forget, they’ll just recalculate.

    Two hours and ten minutes to go here in California. Perhaps I’ll stay up to see the fireworks.

  11. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    Oops misread that, it was Agriculture in Canada. Well, sheep look nice.

    Err, that’s Appalachia, not Canada.

  12. birgerjohansson says

    A delayed happy birtday to Skatje.

    BTW, I came to the supermarket yesterday. So I might count as “antichrist”.
    Does this mean I do not have to pay any taxes if I move to USA?
    I am not quite a “church” but being part of a core belief should trump being a mere “congregation”.

  13. Intaglio says

    @ jrkrideau #11

    Does this mean PZ is a cross-dresser?

    I’m confused is a Cross Dresser like a Well Dresser? or is it just having a bad mood when getting dressed?

    /warning: as I don’t post here very often I had better make clear that this is a joke.

  14. anym says

    I’m sure that the older and grumpier books of the bible have plenty to say about false prophets and exactly what should be done to them. There’s no wiggle room left for accidental misinterpretation and a second (or third) try at your prophecy, either. Funny that none of these folk seem to read up on their own source material.

  15. rietpluim says

    Oh, I just can’t wait until the Anti-Christ comes! The Pro-Christs are so boring and annoying!

    And happy birthday to Skatje! Sorry I’m a day late.

  16. aziraphale says

    There is still time, especially if it’s Skatje. Women are often late for appointments, and after 2 millennia another day or two is no big deal.

  17. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    I think the new date will be as disappointing as the old date. Jebus has been MIA for 2000 years. The only thing likely to change is larger MIA numbers as the years elapse.

  18. chigau (違う) says

    That still of the video…
    if you zoom in, it looks like his microphone is a giant zit erupting from his face.

  19. Paul Cowan says

    It’s genius! The Antichrist is always six months away! It would be easy to script a daily update to the video poster frame.

    I predict apocalyptic cults that are wary of winding up like Harold Camping will give it a try.

  20. consciousness razor says

    Maybe it’s a euphemism for ejaculation? I mean, he could be coming several times a day, for all I know, maybe countless times over the centuries. Of course, that still doesn’t answer the question of what method they use to determine these specific dates. Like I’ve said to myself I don’t know how many times, “I wish I had a Bible scholar or a theologian to explain it to me.” (I might not have ever said that, actually, but it was definitely a number.)

  21. Paul Cowan says

    As of this posting there are still a couple of videos in the channel with the original date, but they’re rapidly being replaced with the new, more accurate timetable. This is hilarious.

  22. photoreceptor says

    Let’s see, what was Trump up to on the 30th… official schedule: eat taco bowl to win over latine vote – nah, get dreadlocks in orange candyfloss to win over afro-american vote – nah, recite ancient incantation to raise Lucifer to win over satanists vote – uhoh.

  23. kesci says

    At 5:28 Hagee reveals the Antichrist. Hagee says, “and every person on the Earth will be required to worship him; and those that do not will be killed.” The Antichrist sounds a lot like God, doesn’t it?

  24. ck, the Irate Lump says

    I still find it creepy that there are so many people who revel in the idea of the death and destruction of all the people of the world under the pretense of their religion.