1. says

    It forgot the “Assume a female in the engineering building got lost on her way to English Lit class. Be stunned and confused when she says she meant to be there” step.

    Or maybe that was just my old university.

  2. kalil says

    Speaking as an engineer, that flowchart is all wrong –
    Epoxy >> Duct Tape, and PB Blaster > WD40.

  3. kalil says

    Also, if the things you don’t want to move are metal, welding torches beat everything. Because fire.

  4. chigau (違う) says

    That is a thing of beauty.
    I would have it on a t-shirt but I expect it would be too heavy.

  5. JohnnieCanuck says

    Heard at the commencement ceremony, “Last week I couldn’t even spell engingeer and now I are one.”

  6. komarov says

    [righteous indignation] Well, I’m always pleased to see engineers being held in such high regard. Now why don’t you go back to gutting fish? [/righteous indignation]

  7. Larry says

    The sign is perfect. It’s got the cynical, condescending attitude present in all engineers directed at all non-engineers.

  8. markr1957 says

    Now that you’ve given away all my trade secrets how am I going to keep earning my film star wages?

  9. says

    I am an engineer – alas electrical engineer – so this chart does work well in my work. But this is exactly what I use when I must do anything mechanical. I have a few tools – but WD-40 and Duct Tape are my go to tools. As the Mythbusters showed you can make bridges and boats entirely out of duct tape….

  10. kevinalexander says

    Reminds me of the old swabbies rule. ‘If it moves, salute it; if it doesn’t paint it.’

  11. Artor says

    A few more axioms to share: If a little brute force is good, then too much is better. If it doesn’t fit, use a bigger hammer. And for the antique restorers: If it ain’t baroque, don’t fix it!

  12. Numenaster says

    Gaff tape beats duct tape any hungry day. Duct tape only reliably sticks to itself. Gaff tape sticks to anything, including dusty floors.

  13. rrutis says

    Artor, in the case of something not fitting, we call it a pursuader;)

    Numenaster, in the service we had tape called EB Green, it was like an early form of Gorilla Tape, stuck to everything (especially skin), and would hold a leak in a pipe up to about 15 psi! I haven’t found anything truly like it since.

  14. Numenaster says

    @rrutis, gaff tape can do all that. Gorilla Tape is thicker, and I’ve seen it used for long-lasting plumbing repairs too. But gaff tape laid lengthwise over an extension cord will keep it on the floor, no questions asked. Which is why it costs three times as much as duct tape.

  15. Igneous Rick says

    @19 Gaff tape. Gaff tape. Gaaaaaffffff tape. Not only does it work better than duct tape, you are a better person for using it.

  16. Numenaster says

    Gaff tape comes in 18 colors (that I am sure of) but no patterns. It’s not decorative. It’s functional.

  17. Numenaster says

    And now I must add that I just learned Gorilla Tape comes in 3 colors and one pattern (camo). So if patterns are what you want, duct tape is what you’re stuck with.

  18. Menyambal says

    The solvent in WD-40 is good stuff. It’ll take glue off plastic bottles, for instance. You then need to wash off the lubricant, of course. (It kills webworms, so it can’t be good for us, but fish seem to like a spritz of it on lures.)

  19. JohnnieCanuck says

    WD 40 is so named because it is a Water Displacing formulation, the 40th one tried, apparently. It is a mix of volatile and non-volatile oils and was never patented in order to keep the formula a secret.

  20. says

    Duct Tape will fix anything except… wait for it… ducts

    I once held the brakes on my manual chair together with duct tape. Mom was like, “that won’t last the day.” It lasted until we got the parts in (bit over a week) and would have lasted longer.

    In all seriousness, duct tape and WD-40 are my main repair and maintenance tools.

  21. Lofty says

    As a Fuly Traned Engin Ear I resent the implication that you need two different tools for the task. There is only one, the FBH.

  22. What a Maroon, living up to the 'nym says

    Thanks, PZ. You just saved us three years of our daughter’s tuition.

  23. numerobis says

    I’ve held together a shattered fiberglass ski pole with medical tape. It held just long enough to get back up the hill I was at the bottom of when I fell on the pole. Probably duct tape would have helped — that or a twig (of which there were plenty, being in the forest and all).

    I use WD-40 on a regular basis. But my shoe works well at making things move again sometimes, such as on the bike path an hour ago when my derailleur was not derailing.

  24. Crimson Clupeidae says

    I’m an engineer, but all my work is done on paper.

    If I touch tools, things get broken.

    Duck tape is like the force. It’s got a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

  25. Azkyroth, B*Cos[F(u)]==Y says

    We’re kidding here, right?

    (The way comment sections tend to go when “engineers” come up, it’s hard to be sure. >.>)

  26. blf says

    As others have pointed out, an essential tool is missing: The hammer.
    I suggest some other essential tools are also missing: The vice-grip, and the long semi-sharp pokey thing called a “screwdriver”. (Both of which can be, quite conveniently, used as a hammer.)
    Plus the essential ingredient in most repairs and design: Feck, feck, fecky feck!