As both of my readers know, I am fond, on occasion, of rewriting the lyrics of my artistic betters. I do not usually rewrite them in timely or topical ways, but on this evening, in the space below a Wonkette article where no comments exist, some non-comments encouraged me to have a go at Ted Cruz to the tune of a largely forgotten 80s song from the musical Chess. Given it’s topical nature, if anyone who knows how to Twitter or Instabook wants to send this out, please tag Beto O’Rourke & Ted himself. I’d just be tickled to see what Beto’s reaction is, if any. Ted will ignore it publicly, of course, but I won’t mind pondering his displeasure in the absence of any overt response.
The original is “One Night in Bangkok,” but obviously that must change. (I will post a youtube link to the original for those unfamiliar with it, but it will follow my corrupted lyrics.)
And so to Harris County where we lay our scene…
One Night in Cancun
Texas, electrifying outage,
And the state don’t know when ERCOT will get back wattage.
The libertarians have their ideal world
In a storm with everything but what we need.
Time crawls; house’s colder by the minute
With Republican love the only heat in it.
Climate change: don’t you know that when you
Burn so much fossil fuel then you
Make a hell of Delhi or California or N’Orleans
or this place!One night in Cancun, we can eat fresh oyster
The room’s at discount, and we can all fly free
This frozen hell is getting ever moister
Let’s use those miles and then hit the beach
The plebes are stuck here; you and I can flee.One room’s very like another
When you look out over the beaches, brother
Book a room on any floor. It’s really such a pity
To leave Snowflake all alone in this icy city.
Isn’t that mean?
Ya own one fluffy, allergenic, stinking hound…
Heat, girls, ditch the fleece.
We’re headed to Cancun, zip those bags and let’s leave!Fled Ted, so he can act like he’s a tourist
Why should he help the undernourished?
You’ve seen the pics of his waistline, sunshine.
One night in Cancun, he’s got his so fuck you.
After cervezas pop the burgundy.
One night in Cancun, he’s got nothing to do.
Miles aren’t all that’s between you and he.
Ted Cruz is the devil of our tragedy.Twitter’s gonna be the witness
Cell cams are gonna catch this selfish sickness
We stare: how does he look so guilty
Without a conscience? He’s chilling while we’re chilly.
Ceiling Cat, Praise! Watch the internet do what the internet do.
He can’t see this one coming
But anyone knows this is senate-unbecoming.Like piles on like while he’s in flight. Oo,
But he won’t like the heights they get to.
When the plane lands he’s headed to the bar, the pool
Reveling, the fool.One night in Cancun and the world’s your oyster
The water’s potable; there’s sun on sea.
In just a moment you’ll begin to roister
But your staff is calling, they won’t let you be.
Senator ain’t all that it’s cracked up to be.One night in Cancun, they’re already calling:
At least pretend to act responsibly.
One night in Cancun, your approval’s falling:
With your power comes responsibility;
We know that you don’t like it, but the people see
That you are the devil of this tragedy.
Texas knows the devil of this tragedy.
We all know the devil of this tragedy.
Ted Cruz is the devil of this tragedy.
Video:
Maybe send it to Randy Rainbow.
Sung by Murray Head, Antony Head’s brother for the Buffy fans. He also wrote and sang “Say It Ain’t So Joe”.
Awesome!
@Jazzlet
I did not know that. Puts Ripper’s band days in an interesting perspective.
One of the few songs I ever bought on 7″ vinyl. Great stuff. I approve thihs message! 😀
@Crip Dyke
I only discovered this recently, for some reason I got “Say It Ain’t So Joe” stuck in my head and went on a dive that included discovering it was the same singer as “One Night In Bankok” etc
I forgot to say — good work 🙂
So, so good! I almost died at “moister.” IIRC, there was another single of One Night in Bangkok released around the same time, performed by a woman. Originally both vids were in rotation on MTV, but hers soon faded in favor of his.
@Iris:
I was actually back & forth about even putting in the effort to write this until someone suggested (in response to my statement that I wasn’t going to do it without a really good or really bad rhyme for “oyster”) that I use “moister”. Literally this whole thing wouldn’t have existed without “moister”.
Found it, Iris!
I had absolutely no idea there was a woman who sang it. Robey was one of the stars of a late-1980s tv series (out of Canada?) called Friday the 13th. It was a series based on a bunch of evil/cursed/possessed antiques and the group of 3 (Robey, young man, older man) who had to track them down. I had no idea she also sang.
YESSSS! Thanks for that blast from the past!
And “moister” FTW! I have a tattered old rhyming dictionary Jon Bon Jovi gave me back in the pre-digital days. It has some truly weird-ass words in it, which led to many a gut-busting laughing fit during writing sessions. (I never wrote with Jon – though I did sing on one of his records…long story). I still like the book a lot better than the web for finding rhymes, because you can look around on a page to find near-rhymes, which often work for lyrics and give you a much wider range of choices than exact rhymes. If you plan to gift us with this kind of masterwork frequently enough, I highly recommend picking up a paperback version – if only for the laughs!
I’ve had a paperback rhyming dictionary for 30 years. 🙂