You Couldn’t Pay Me

Watching the debate?  Paying any attention whatsoever to the shitshow that is US politics, outside of the bare-ass minimum it takes to vote?  You couldn’t pay me to do it.  Not a fucking chance.  Not happening.  It’s all too upsetting and vile and fucked up.  But you know, maybe that’s an exaggeration.  Maybe somebody could pay me to do it.  Let me figure out how much…

I would have to quit work in order to make mental bandwidth for it, so you have to pay enough to cover my expenses for two years in case it takes a while to get rehired.  I make about $30,000 per year, so $60,000 is the price floor.  But exposing myself to this would make me less emotionally available to my family, so you gotta pick up the therapy bills for them.  Assuming two hours a night at $90 an hour from now through mid November (assuming this isn’t gonna go smooth), another $8,100.  And that’s just getting by, if I want compensation to make it feel like I came out ahead in the deal, how much will I charge to feel like it was worth it?

$100,000.  Anybody want me to cover the election, or even look upon the faces of our rock ’em sock ’em wannabe lich kings?  Full payment in advance, or you get nothing.  Thank you for your understanding.

–

Edit to Add:  I forgot about the cost of healthcare in the US – going out of pocket for health insurance.  $400 a month for that Obamacare, $9600 more.  Assuming some medical expenses actually will come up, even with insurance I’m currently paying a few thousand a year for dental and such.  Let’s bump this up to $125,000, just for incidentals I haven’t planned for.

Last Demon Drop

This is the last one where I’ll be looking at demon descriptions, but I have a few other things I found in the book I’d at least like to touch on in future posts.  Once I’m done with all of this, I intend to bring the disparate sources together into a single demonology, more “authentic” in its underlying content, but with some art and ideas of my own as well.

Unless I’m mistaken:  “Lambes magnus rex et preses apparet insimilitudine mulierum : loquitur suave prestat amorem tam hominum quam mulierum : si exorcista volvent omnes homines ad amorem fuum povocare faciat imaginem auctam en cum vicinus fronte snibatur amor amore vincitur , et precipiat : ut consacret dando sibi talem virtutem , ut omnes utrius q3 sexua homines accedatur in amorem exorcista qui nullus presumat contra eum in alium farere ad tuum presignant . et habet sub se 19 legiones :–”

Best attempt, degenerates into extreme nonsense:  Lambes, great king and president, appears in the likeness of a woman, speaks pleasantly, gives love of both men and women.  When the exorcist turns all men who have love povocare? make picture subsequently and with close front fribatur? love is overcome by love, and commanded, or hallowing him with such power, or all / both genders of people allows in love for the exorcist, no presuming against him in another of nothing with your noteworthy. And has under him 19 legions.

Hilarious aside:  google translate says “prestat amorem tam hominum quam mulierum” means “I should love both men and women” – word to the wise MFers.  Go bi or go home.

Another stab at transcription:  “Torcha magnus marchio , et dux fortis apparet in similitudinem Grifonis : cum a?ut suscipit formam humanam loquitur rauca voce dupliciter : Ep?ot per ipsum omnes volucres ligare , et omnia volatilia que sunt supra terram , et in aere : qui si exorcista sapiens fint? unam avem ex ere faciet , et ipsam consecrari faciet sibi talem virtutem dando qui omnes aves liget sub voluntate exor : ita qui omnes aves coadimet in illa perte ubi est avis illa profita fuit? : et emittent dulciter cantus suos , et sint mansuete et humane voluntati obedientes in omnibus . Nota qui exorcista potest con ea omnes aves exprere f3 qui sibi p Lacuerit . Dat n dignitates exor. et illas confirmat:–”

Best effort, I got my ass kicked:  Torcha, great marquis and strong duke, appears in likeness of a griffon.  With another human form, speaks in a rough duplicitous voice (or two voices?).  By him all flying creatures can be bound, and all fowl which are over the earth and in air.   If the wise exorcist makes a bird of copper and consecrates it, he gives himself the power to have all birds bound willingly under him.  Ita qui omnes aves coadimet in illa perte ubi est avis illa profita fuit?  …and produces sweet songs, and without mansuete? and kindness willingly obeys in all.  Note who exorcist can with this/it all birds exprere? f3 who/which himself p lacuerit.  Gives dignities and confirms them.  …This one makes me want to take a long nap.

It’s the last guy in the book!  “Triplex fuie complex magnus dux et marchio Apparet insimilitudinem angeli pulchri : et est humilis et fidelus omnibus mandatis exorciste , et est ideo triplex : quia per en? possunt omnia triplinter ligari , et ideo potentior est alus . Ideo possunt ligari volucres bestie , serpentes , Basilisii , et dracones in puteis et internis : et facit ad voluntatem exorciste , reges , magnates , principes , et minores ad voluntatem : super tronum sedere coronam hns? auream que consecretur a predicto preside  ad tempustale . et ponatur in aula regis , ut in camera et habet sub se sua portate · 43 · legiones , et fuit de ordine principatus :– Amen :–”

Triplex ? complex great duke and marquis appears in likeness of a sexy angel, and is humble and faithful to all of the exorcist’s commands, and is therefore Triplex.  Because per en? they can all three be bound, and therefore strong are others (?).  Therefore they can bind flying creatures beasts serpents basilisks and dragons in pits and inside (?).  And at the will of the exorcist, makes kings, great princes, and servants subject to his will.  On thrones set crowns hns? of gold, which is to be consecrated on this president with such a time.  And on thrones are set crowns and places in a king’s court or room, and has beneath him carrying 43 legions, and is of the order of Principalities.  Amen.  (You can say that again!)

This is another one confirmed with an entry in The Book of Oberon, which really makes me wonder what books the author of that grimoire was looking at.  Enjoy the weird dipshit version of Triplex… Friblex!:  “42. Friblex a greate duke & a marques, & appeareth like an Aungell, he is both meeke & trewe,& that in all commaundements, of the Maister, & therfore he is called Friplex, & is the moremighty & hath under him 6 legions.”

In celebration of this milestone, have a marginalia weirdo:

More Geomanticarum Demons

Content Warning: Flashing Lights, Extreme Cheesiness:

Got some more demons to ponder.  I was able to work out a lot on some of them, less on others, but mostly I just need to fill in a few gaps.  Some of these are more interesting than others.

The first boy in the book, “King Avedje, a great duke appearing crowned with a diadem, there is nothing visible of him but his head, and before him proceed two ministers carrying trumpets.  (I love that trumpets are tubas in this BS.)   Teaches fully logic and (hycam?) and all (pereimi?) gives best arts, best understanding of all languages.  Gives best familiars.  Gives full true responses of past present future, arts or things occult consecrated and arcane, and secrets.  (gibberish coming…) And of consecration them of the (Lupyh?),  let him be then forced into a corner, and then  gives true responses without being asked, 30 legions.”

I think I confirmed this guy for appearing in The Book of Oberon under the name “Ebeyeth,” where he is also described as a floating head crowned with a diadem, but the rest of the description there is too short, leaves too much out to be of much use.

This one man… no fucking idea.  Trying to implement what I can learn from cartomancer in the comments:

“Ara dux et marchio Apparet insimilitudine draconis : cum nomine suscipit formam humanam mirabiliter cogit omne genus serpentum si preceptor fuit sapiens potent omne genus sapientum constringere si fili plaenerit et faciat fieri imum serpentem de quoruma?? metallo et faciat consecrari : ut nullus genus serpentum audeat in illis pribus accedere : et istud stabit ad bene placitum sine in eternum . et caveat me frangatur imago que statim virtutem admitteret . Dat responsa de pretentis presentibus et futuris : et habet sub se 29 legions.”

My best effort to make sense of that: “Ara, duke and marquis, appears in the likeness of a dragon.  When assuming the form called human, has marvelous knowledge of all types of snakes, if the teacher is able to be wise, all kinds of wisdom contained.  If son (plaenerit?) and makes it one snake of (quorumas?) metals and makes hallowed, that no kind of snake dare to approach them first, and this rule does not stand well forever.  And should I break the image, then power is allowed. Gives responses of past present and future, has under him 29 legions.”

Hilariously, depending on what word it’s next to in google translate, “serpentum” becomes “florida.”  There is no demon that appears in the form of a dragon and has this snake-obsessed of a description in the sources I’ve read.  Volach has the snake control and rides a dragon, but has a separate entry in this book and is otherwise fairly different.  Most demons appearing in the form of a dragon are more elaborately described, with multiple heads and what have you.

“Paragalla – great marquis and count – appears in the likeness of a knight, head like a lion, riding on a fiery flame.  Controls (carries over?) birds and animals and makes the exorcist knights of copper in hand carrying sword that is sharp, and show himself Paragalle and (consacrer?) aforementioned knight.  ( worse gibberish coming) Has carrying wounds or (interfiriendi?) with sword or knife only (mom? mon?) be fixed later placed in kings house, between many discords or between husband and wife.  Has under him 30 legions.”

There are a few lion-headed knights in demonologies: Boab and Saylmon from this book, Allocer Sabnach and Purson/Curson from the Pseudomonarchia Demonum and related books… And that’s not including demons that are just lions, or lions with wings, or lions with snake tails or duck feet or whatever.  I think these writers imaginations were broken.  Anyway, none quite match the description of Paragalla here.

This is my favorite for one weird detail.  I think he appears in the form of a cicada, which is unusual and interesting.  That word looks like “cichade,” and later “cichadas” appears.  Latin for cicada is “cicada,” Italian is “cicala.”  This isn’t quite either of those and I could be dead wrong, but what else can it be?  My best translation:  “Great count Acar appears in the likeness of a cicada, and then in human form speaks with a rough voice, and is the prince of flies and locusts, and per the exorcist powerfully help people control and bind cicadas and other similar things.  Let there be, therefore, an image from copper or other metals, of aforementioned president consecrated. Provides love between men and women, gives true responses of past present and future, has 20 legions.”

A Bunch of Latin Shorties

Y’all know what time it is.  The way I translate these is in part from google translate but also in part by recognizing repeated subject matter, similarity to other sources on demonology, and recognizing some Latin roots.  I don’t have a background in this, and the source material is pretty scratchy, so…  I’m going to post my translations, insofar as I have them, and you make fun of me in the comments, right?

Lanima – AKA Pneuna – is a great count, appearing in angelic seeming (smonibus blamois?) ceases, and knows strengths of herbs, and has under him 20 legions.  It’s hard to pin down a demon in another source I could compare against to find meanings for those words.

Judifligei is a great duke, appearing in the likeness of ravens, and then appears in human form, preceded by teachers (preptore fui inbente?), makes heard unseen trumpets and symphonies, and transfers (et ora gna?) instruments, teaches to play, is best familars, has 19 legions in his dominion.  Again, I can’t find an equivalent to him in other demonology to help here.  On those ravens, I have a frustration I’ll get to in just a bit…

Gomens or Caym, a strong powerful duke, appears in the likeness of a beautiful woman, crowned with a duchal crown, riding on a camel.  Gives full true responses on past present and future, on the occult (ravernis?), in which appear (spentes?) is princes, and (rustos?).  Gives best love of women, and has under him 2j legions.

This is the one known as Gremory, Gomori, or a half dozen variants thereof in many other grimoires!  A lovely gender weirdo on a camel.  On that “spentes,” I feel like I’ve seen “serpentes” – snakes – abbreviated that way somewhere else in here, but not positive.  Rustos sounds like it would mean farmers, but doesn’t come up in translate.  Don’t know.

Furfur, a great count, appears in the likeness of ravens, his tail in flames, lies unless trapped in a triangle. Then can be ordered into angelic form, with a raucous voice…  Here’s my problem with those ravens.  Furfur is in lots of other demonologies, always described as a deer or hart.  I can see how one missed transcription could lead to a chain of error, with “corvii” looking like “cervus.”  Or maybe the Geomanticarum has it wrong, or I do.  But if Furfur is ravens, so is Judifligei.  And if he’s a deer, likewise.

This is mostly gibberish to me, but it’s clearly about Berith – here called Berich.  Most demonologies open his description saying he is known by at least three names – known to the jews (lovely) as Berith, to some nigromancers or necromancers as Bolfry, and to unnamed third party as (insert random garble here).  I imagine the “vocatur Salmonazi vocant” is about him being referred to in the “notary art of Solomon” as Berich.  Are Gramatiri and Belfarit alternate names?

This guy is known in other demonologies as Aym or Cabeym.  Here… Bachimy or Albermi or Cabeym is a great strong duke appearing with three heads.  The first is like a (nason?), the second like a man (tyng?) two bodies (wtf?), third as a mouse hunter (cat), rides on a viper, carrying in hand a blazing (valcham?), makes man ingenius in all arts, and gives true responses, and has under him 26 legions.  In other demonologies, the first head is a snake, the human head has two stars on it.  But is a “nason” a snake?  And that really looks like it’s saying one of his heads has two bodies, which is bonkers.  The blazing thing elsewhere is a firebrand, but the word valcham doesn’t seem to mean shit in Latin, and reminds me of the sound of “falchion” – a kind of sword.

Simias or Gumas is a great marquis, appearing in the likeness of a lion, riding on a strong (ursum?  bears?), the tail of a serpent, flames proceeding from his mouth. In his right hand carries…  OK, this guy is really similar to Egyn in The Book of Oberon, The Book of Spirits, and… Also this book.  In those descriptions, Egyn rides bears or a dragon, so…?  I don’t know.  However, he’s maybe even more similar to Orias, from the Pseudomomarchia Demonum, Lesser Key of Solomon, and other sources – and that guy rides a horse.  I may be overthinking this one.

Ras, a great governor, appears in the likeness of a (cervi?) with then a subsequent human form, speaking gravely.  Belvow (?) makes subside, and limp.  Gives true responses, gives grace of friends, has under him LX9 legions…  Whatever, buddy.

I hope this one, being Latin, draws as much attention as the previous posts – and doesn’t get whiffed on like the Italian Demonds.  Thank you for what help you’ve already given me.  It is imperative that I summon these demons, pronto.  I swear.

–

Italian Demonds

I might be the first person online to note that in the Fasciculus rerum Geomanticarum that there are a dozen-ish demons listed much earlier in the book than the main list, but these descriptions are less consistent and often less interesting than the usual demon lists.  Also, they seem to be in late Renaissance Italian, possibly with a skosh of Latin mixed in.  The handwriting was great so I was able to translate most of them, but a few things I couldn’t work out…

Andaras e gran conte fa parere uno homo grande como uno castrono et ancora picolo como uno capreto ha si suo dominio 12 generatione de dimonii.  Andaras, a great count, makes a great man seem like he’s castrated, and yet small like a baby goat.  Has  in his dominion 12 generations of demons.  There’s some guesswork in that.  Any other ideas, my scholars?

Hey, it’s somebody familiar…

Apparently, I’m e re possente fa de lo di nocte et de la noote di a fn suo dominio 12 re de corona.  Satan, a mighty king, makes (what?) night of the night, has in his dominion 12 crowned kings.  Don’t know what this means, but it sounds cool.

–

Useful but Depressing Video

The flat earth premise is the set-up for a Dan Olson thesis about some dangerous political crank beliefs we’re all having to deal with at this horrid moment in history.  Watch it if you can handle it.  I personally have been avoiding the specifics of what fascist facebook dads believe as much as possible, so it was a useful look at the other side.

The thesis here is to not expect empathy or reason to reach fascists, or at least not easily.  Others have noted the antisemite-flat earth connection and extended some sympathy – the world is unjust and most of us are oppressed by the systems of power around us, you’re right to feel aggrieved, maybe think twice about what the source of that pain is.  Same reality check different approach: “It ain’t the jews or the libs you fucking nazi trash” (commit assault).  Mr. Olson here isn’t on either of those tracks.  He’s just trying to let people know what they’re really up against in this discourse.

So I needed this video as a check-in on what the jerks are up to these days, but it was also useful to compile a list of hashtags to block/blacklist on social media.  This list has redundant entries for platforms that allow spaces and those that do not, edit as required:

BLOCKING QANON:

#adrenochrome #deepstate #deep state #epstein #epsteinisland #epstein island #inittogether #in it together #pedoisland #pedo island #pedovore #pedovores #pedowood #pizzagate #qanon #savethechildren #save the children #spygate #stormer #thestorm #the storm #thestormishere #the storm is here #thesepeoplearesick #these people are sick #trusttheplan #trust the plan #wwg1 wga #wwg1wga

Blocking is a good idea because these asswipes will say agreeable things to stealth you into spreading their ideology, like the situation of the house of rumored child traffickers that got mobbed in Wisconsin.  Were the people in the house up to no good?  I don’t know, but the missing girls turned up somewhere else completely, the supposed photo evidence was being tweeted by somebody that included a nod to motherfucking pizzagate.

Staying woke ain’t as easy as it used to be.  Some BLM activists are sometimes – knowingly or not – reblogging literal nazi content from people who literally want them dead.  Look at the hashtags.  Eyes open.

–

The English Faust Book, Fury

Content Warnings: Blood and Guts, Kinda Dark Thoughts.

I didn’t think much of Christopher Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus, despite the hype.  It seemed slight and breezy.  Might make a good play, but as prose, not that interesting.  It was an adaptation of The English Faust Book, or The Historye of the Damnable Life and Deserued Death of Doctor Iohn Faustus:  A Discourse of the Most Famous Doctor Iohn Faustus of Wittenberg in Germany — Coniurer and Necromancer —  Wherein is Declared Many Strange Things That He Himselfe Had Seene and Done in the Earth, and in the Ayre, with His Bringing vp, His Trauailes, Studies, and Last End.  Marlowe basically did the kiddie adaptation of some adult material (not that it makes Marlowe’s Faustus child appropriate).

The play is a play, the book is prose, so it surely fares better in comparison on dead pages.  The story isn’t amazing, it’s offensive in the expected ways, and it’s boring in a way one might not expect, being 21st century people.  There are big sections where the writer just wants to show off their knowledge of interesting things in heaven and earth, literally a travelog of “hot spots to visit in Renaissance Europe.”

However, it has one hot advantage over Marlowe’s Faustus.  When the action heats up, it’s bad ass.  Here’s our man Faust summoning devils:

…Then began Doctor Faustus to call on Mephostophiles the Spirit – and to charge him in the name of Belzebub, to appear there personally: then presently the devill began so great a rumor in the wood, as if heaven and earth would have come together, with wind, that trees bowed their tops to the ground: then fell the devill to bleat as if the whole wood had been full of Lyons, and suddenly about the circle ran the devill, as if a thousand wagons had beene running together on paved stones. After this, at the four corners of the wood it thundered horribly, with such lightnings as if the whole world to his seeming had beene on fire…  suddenly over his head hung hovering in the air a mighty Dragon: then calls Faustus again after his devilish manner, at which there was a monstrous cry in the wood, as if hell had been open, and all the tormented souls crying to God for mercy…

Here’s the first time devils get mad about Faust getting cold feet:

Suddenly upon these words came such a whirlwind about the place that Faustus thought the whole house would have come down, all the doors in the house flew off the hooks: after all this his house was full of smoke, and the floor covered over with ashes… and flying up, Faustus was taken and thrown down into the hall that he was not able to stir hand nor foot: then round about him ran a monstrous circle of fire, never standing still, that Faustus fried as he lay & thought there to have beene burned.  Then cried he out to his spirit Mephostophiles for help, promising him he would live in all things as he had vowed…  Hereupon appeared unto him an ugly devill, so fearfull and monstrous to behold that Faustus durst not look on him.  The devill said, “What wouldst thou have Faustus? …What mind art thou in now?”  Faustus answered, he had forgot his promise, desiring him of pardon, and he would talk no more of such things.  “Thou wert best so to doe,” and so vanished from him.

And I’m gonna spoil this for you.  These are literally the best three paragraphs in a book that is full of boring crap.  Here’s what Faust looked like after the devil came for his due:

But when it was day, the students that had taken no rest that night arose and went into the hall in which they left Doctor Faustus…  They found not Faustus, but all the hall lay besprinkled with blood, his brains cleaving to the wall, for the devill had beaten him from one wall against another: In one corner lay his eyes, in another his teeth, a pitifull and fearfull sight to behold.  Then began the students to wail and weep for him, and sought for his body in many places: lastly they came into the yard, where they found his body lying on the horse dung, most monstrously torn and fearfull to behold, for his head and all his joints were dashed in pieces.  The forenamed students and masters that were at his death, have obtained so much, that they buried him in the village where he was so grievously tormented.

There’s something about this violence I find appealing.  I’m not big into horror where blood and brains are dripping off the wall.  But the extreme nature of the movement – trees bending to the ground, fire and lightning blasting all around, men being tossed like rag dolls – it’s exciting.  And the cause of it too.  Oh no, Faustus, you gave yourself to Satan, and now you are his plaything.  Throw yourself in the garbage and see what happens.

There’s a part in the 1941 movie version of The Devil and Daniel Webster where sexy succubus Simone Simon is dancing with a lost soul, and as they twirl his feet are lifted off the ground – light as dead leaves or empty clothing.  In my memory of this there was a trick with camera speed to make the moment more unnatural and alarming.  It has that motion, the fury of hell sweeping you away.

It’s a shame this stuff is all very xtian, and that it pretty much has to be.  I’d like to own a piece of the action – the movement and fury.  What is this feeling for me?  I have some primal feelings about motion and motivation, this is probably related.  The feeling of being helpless before the fury of violent forces, that can’t be good, can it?

Maybe it works because in the real world we are helpless before the world ruining evil of the human ability to elaborately diffuse blame, of the rich to absolve themselves of their direct hand in fucking us all to death because the weapon they used was the abstraction of money – something they can’t see.  And there’s a dark feeling like, why not just turn that into a literal bomb and sweep me away?  It’s faster, more exciting.  A lot of the dark humor of the 1980s comes from this attitude, inherited from Dr. Strangelove.

Hail Satan.  Get wrecked.  Why not?

In seriousness, my ultimate goal is to try to treat the art of hell and devils as neutral to positive, and all things holy as despicable.  I gotta change up this situation in my writing.

–

The Hell is a Hois?

More Latin, and I don’t think this one will be so easy.  These two characters apparet in similitudine “hois.”  One of them is a hois pugnatis, portani arma – unless I got that wrong.  A combative hois carrying weapons, right?  But what the hell is a hois?

gibberish

Near as I can tell:  “Strong Duke Ponicarpo appears in the likeness of a pugnacious (hois) carrying weapons.  Let therefore image (exealhris arma armta and faciat a pdicto) confers.  and (pipa) strongly bound infantry.  Gives love of women and true responses to questioning.  Has under him 30 legions.”

Some problems with this whole endeavor:  This was written by a speaker of 15th century Italian and may have some of that sprinkled in.  A few parts of the book are almost entirely in that language.  The writer’s understanding of Latin could be quite different from modern scholars.  Also there are clearly abbreviations and inconsistent spelling in parts.

gibberish

“Saylmon or Zamon is a strong duke and president and/or earl appearing in the likeness of a (hois) riding on a pale horse, having the head of a lion and in the hand carrying an (aqbla), speaking in hoarse voice.  He makes peace between many and discords between men and women, and has under him 30 legions.”

By the way, don’t think the fact that one is holding weapons and one is riding a horse that this “hois” is humanoid.  It could be, but some of these demons are lions riding on horseback or gripping things.  It could well be a profession rather than an animal or other oddity.

–

One Latin Word Plz, I’m Dyin’ Here

OK, I understand asking ye random scholars and gentlepeeps to translate twenty pages of scrawled Renaissance Latin from a mediocre res pdf is like asking for days of labor for free.  Not cool.  I withdraw that request.  But there is ONE SINGLE WORD which would be awesome to understand here, in the Fasciculus rerum Geomanticarum: the likeness of the demon Cambea, starting in the top line of page 617 of the pdf.

i can't even with this

Why?  Because from the rest of the description I can tell Cambea is another name for Decarabia from the Pseudomonarchia Demonum.  In that tome, it says he appears in the likeness of *.  Literally it has an asterisk to nothing there, like maybe he appears in the likeness of a butthole.  I believe the Ars Goetia in the Clavicula Salomonis interpreted that as a star, so it’s saying he appears in the form of a star.

However, the Geomanticarum is an older document and includes an actual word there!  If we can translate it, we know what Decarabia is actually supposed to look like!  Can you feel the excitement?  Anyway, the word is divided between two lines with a –, and every way I try to transcribe it gives me nothing in google translate.  Is it fanni? fairni? farns? sanni? sairni?  I can’t tell, I’m not a classics major.

Enlighten me.  Summon Decarabia.  I’m beggin’ ya.

–

Faust is Real, or Mephistopheelin’ Groovy

Content Warnings: Satan, God, Religion, Sexism, Violence, the Occult, the one link to youtube is NSFW audio, some image links are a bit gory or lurid Renaissance style.

Alright, I haven’t done a deep dive into the hard facts on this, but based on some shallow research, it looks like Faust – the guy who sold his soul to The DevilTM – was an actual historical figure.  Christ’s miracles weren’t attested to in any writing that survives from within his own life, but the misdeeds of Faust were already being fictionalized within his own.  Like the historicity of Jesus, Faust’s existence isn’t important.  It’s just fun to say.

I did a Faust once.  I was having a lonely time in life, feeling melodramatic on my way home from work, or maybe it was on the way home from the dive bar I went to on my 21st birthday.  A wide busy suburban street without proper sidewalks, just two feet of grass and garbage against a short chain link fence.  I might have ducked into an unlit side street overgrown with short, untrimmed trees.  I recall it was darker than the headlights and taillights of randos driving by would have allowed.

I went to my knees and I said something like, “Satan, I give you my soul forever if you appear to me and show me that anything magical exists in this world.”  At the time I was working for Pizza Hut, where all of my pay raises over the years were erased by increases to the minimum wage, and I was already half bald and still a virgin, so forgive my melodrama.  I later realized based on the way I phrased it, Satan could let me live to a hundred a philosophical materialist, then show up on my deathbed and snatch me up.  Well, it was going to happen anyway.  Might make dying a little more interesting.

distorted goat head pentagram

The first version of Faust I read was Goethe’s play, which was surely inspired by Marlowe’s much earlier play, which was an adaptation of a then very recent translation of the quite fictionalized but not long posthumous German biography of Faust himself.  A little merry-go-round between those cultures.  I’ve been reading the Marlowe play Doctor Faustus at the moment, from this 2005 edition.  From what I’ve read in the foreword, editions can be extremely varied.

This is the frustrating thing for anyone who seeks authenticity in antique texts.  Marlowe’s play survived in a small number of iterations from within a few years of when he died young.  Which was closest to the original was argued extensively one way, then the other.  What we can know with certainty is it was changed in subtle but significant ways within just a few years of his passing.

Before Marlowe there were pamphlet-style legends about Faust, oral legends, and these influenced each other, and by the time the full-length (24 pages or less) German Faust book was printed, how much did it include or omit?  What was lost?  But it’s a mistake to try to wonder after those kind of answers in the first place, as the legends were much inspired by stories that preceded Faust’s birth, which in turn surely had cultural cross-pollination and roots reaching before written history.  It was bullshit all the way down.  But my modern mind, trained by late twentieth century copyright culture (Disney propaganda), is always trying to find that original.

…I return to this draft having read most of Doctor Faustus.  It’s a slim little play.  While it would take more effort to perform than to read, it would still be a very short show.  No intermission.  It’s also not very deep.  It’s just japes and foolery and some token religiosity to keep the censors off the playwright’s back.  I’m a fan of badassery in fiction, and there’s a truly macho quote in here, but it’s wasted in the mouth of a toss-off character that never appears again:

“I am Wrath.  I had neither father nor mother: I lept out of a lion’s mouth when I was scarce half an hour old, and ever since I have run up and down the world with this case of rapiers, wounding myself when I had nobody to fight withal.  I was born in Hell; and look to it, for some of you shall be my father.”

That line alone moves me, more than the scene where Faustus is turned invisible so he can box the pope’s ears.  But then, speeches about being PO’d tend to be rousing – like that Russell Crowe bullshit in Gladiator, the dueling taunts in Romeo and Juliet, or the opening line of The Cask of Amontillado.  It does contrast starkly with the featherweight treatment of the supposedly heavy material in the play – rejecting jeezy, throwing your soul away – and makes me wish that I was reading something with more heft.  Heft like a case of rapiers.

Speaking of badassery, my favorite detail from the wikipedia page on a possible historical Faust is this:  He allegedly died in an explosion, an alchemical experiment in a hotel room.  His mangled body was reported to have the mystical property of always facing away from heaven.  His neck was broken such that however you turned the body, it would face the ground.  Bad ass.

…Having read a bit more, oh my GAWD Faustus is a flip-flopping inconstant binch!  Behold:

OLD MAN:
I see an angel hovers o’er thy head,  And, with a vial full of precious grace,
Offers to pour the same into thy soul:  Then call for mercy, and avoid despair.

FAUSTUS:
Ah, my sweet friend, I feel  Thy words to comfort my distressed soul!
Leave me a while to ponder on my sins…

OLD MAN:
I go, sweet Faustus; but with heavy cheer,  Fearing the ruin of thy hopeless soul.
(Leaves.)

FAUSTUS:
Accursed Faustus, where is mercy now?  I do repent; and yet I do despair:
Hell strives with grace for conquest in my breast:
What shall I do to shun the snares of death?

MEPHISTOPHILIS:
Thou traitor, Faustus, I arrest thy soul
For disobedience to my sovereign lord:
Revolt, or I’ll in piece-meal tear thy flesh.

FAUSTUS:
Sweet Mephistophilis, entreat thy lord  To pardon my unjust presumption,
And with my blood again I will confirm  My former vow I made to Lucifer!

All that shit, loosely translated:

SOME RANDO:
Still doin’ that Satan stuff, huh?  How about…  Jesus?

FAUSTUS:
Oh god, really?!  Yes!  Jesus rocks!  Sign me up!

SOME RANDO:
(Leaves.)

FAUSTUS:
I suck so much, gotta get redeemed ‘n’ shit.

MEPHISTOPHILIS:
What the fuck, bro?  I thought we were cool!

FAUSTUS:
What?  Oh yeah, Hail Satan.  WTF was I thinking LOL.

Goethe’s Faust was a heavy-headed intellectual with grandiose feelings, Marlowe’s was a child that couldn’t decide whether to drink his juice box or take nap time like a good boy.  (Off topic:  Both plays were hugely sexist, Marlowe’s less offensively because it was such a slight and simply written work.)  Either way, I’m not advocating for either of these stories.  A case has been made that Christopher Marlowe was, at least, an atheist.  And gay.  He also was a spy and may have been a brash homicidal asshole, which are not endearing traits.  But the atheist interpretation of Doctor Faustus is fun, and not without merit.

The Faust literature and other stories of sinners, as well as stories of saints such as the contents of the Golden Legend, are full of fantastically morbid and sensual imagery.  They were an imaginative outlet for European people in scary times, when modern medicine hadn’t reduced the frequency of mysterious or horrible deaths around us,  and before global corporate capitalism had pushed the horrors of production onto poorer nations.

You’d never want to be a sinner, oh no.  That’s the worst.  But they’re interesting to watch.  As a moral lesson.  Wouldn’t it be just the worst if somebody turned invisible and punched the pope?  Heaven forfend.  Nothing appealing in any of this, I assure you.  And you don’t want to see the saints suffer do you?  It’s terrible what bad people did to those holy sweet saints.  Throwing them in bondage and scouring their (presumed) fair flesh, oh no.

But now we’re in gentler times, for the “first world.”  We aren’t face to face with death and depredation – not the same as the people dealing with the avarice that props us up and devastates faraway places.  I have personally never seen a person die, except on TV.  The constant wars and plagues of medieval to Renaissance Europe, the immediacy of having your family with you instead of carted off to a big hospital and closed behind doors – these guaranteed most people had some experience of seeing bodies corrupted broken or bereft.  Sci fi and fantasy weren’t off the ground yet, but the fictions of the day – with or without the seal of canon – provided entertainment morbid enough to reflect the world as they knew it.

Maybe that’s getting a bit off topic.  Doctor Faustus was pretty mild in its violence.  But the perversity is there.  The desire to throw off the rigid social order of the day to get what you want, live for yourself.  It’s a shame the idea of achieving freedom is often bound to selfishness – as Ayn Rand’s vile religion demonstrates.  I imagine it’s because when we are indoctrinated to the mores of our cultures, we are told it’s because doing otherwise would be selfish.  We sacrifice what we desire to get the social harmony we all need, per the dogma.  But you can be free without saying “fuck the world.”  If anything, greed enslaves us all.

Again, off topic.  I don’t know what I want to say about Faust, about Doctor Faustus.  Faust in most iterations is, ostensibly, a cautionary tale for xtians.  It can be a cautionary tale for satanic strivers as well – pursue freedom from god, throw off the shackles of the holy.  Hail some Satan.  But be kind, share the fruits of your infernal achievements with others, and you can go to Hell knowing you lived your life well.  And don’t wuss out like our boy Dr. F.  “Stand still, you ever-moving spheres of heaven, That time may cease… That Faustus may repent and save his soul!”  What an embarrassment.

–