Sarah, Rick, And Bill Report For Duty In The War Against Christmas

Dateline: Late June, 2013

Once again, the War On Christmas sees the atheists attack,
But there’s something different this year—this year Christ is fighting back!
Let the godless and their minions rant and rave and do their worst,
Cos our strategies are changing—yes, we’re even striking first!

There’s a book that’s set for launching, and it’s just what you’d expect,
Sarah Palin taking aim at the politically correct.
So it’s festive and it’s jolly; it’s tradition, meant to please,
With first amendment platitudes in pidgin legalese

And in Texas, there’s a notion, and Rick Perry says it’s his,
Making “Merry Christmas” legal which it… um… already is
But this pandering to Christians, even minuscule amounts
Makes the martyrs feel much better, and of course that’s all that counts.

Now I hear that Bill O’Reilly wonders where religion went,
When it’s tough to be a Christian (in the 80-plus percent)
Bill-O wants a Christian country, so it’s worth our fighting for
Which explains the man’s obsession with a six-month Christmas War

Here, it’s summer—barely summer—and the sun is beating down
And there’s no sign yet of Christmas in our sleepy little town
In the churches, stores, and neighborhoods, if Christmastime you seek,
Then you’re just a little early… Christmas season starts next week.

The war on Christmas gets earlier every year! I swear, though, it’s not my fault. This time, it’s a Christmas troika–Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, and Bill O’Reilly are harnessed up and pulling their sleigh through… the heat and humidity of summer.


  1. machintelligence says

    Hey, no complaint from me. I like Christmas, especially the decorations. I have been collecting blown glass ornaments for over 30 years and now have upwards of 1000 of them, Precious few are religious themed, of course. My one regret is that the house I now live in will not accommodate the 12 foot tree it takes to display them.

  2. thebookofdave says

    The War on Christmas would to be fought year-round, if the demoralizing stalemate on the Easter Front had not exhausted their supplies of mojo. But today is the Pentecost, when the Holy Ghost refills the spiritual tanks and turns on the pilot lights. A new offensive at this time of year makes perfect sense.

  3. Eristae says

    Why was I not informed that the war was starting early this year?! My anti-Christmas artillery is still packed away with my it-looks-like-a-Christmas-tree-but-it-isn’t tree! It’s going to take forever to dig it out of the tangle of they-look-like-Christmas-lights-but-they-aren’t lights!

    Come on, people, show some consideration! Jeez-but-not-in-a-Jesus-way.

  4. says

    But Christmas is evil idolatry rife with pagan whatsits and totally against the spirit in which this Christian Nation was founded!
    (And it’s responsible for the murder of Xmas Trees—don’t think I didn’t notice your arboricidal proclivities @ 1, machintelligence)

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