BREAKING NEWS: Atheist Commander captured in War on Christmas!

Everybody knows Republicans have the True Issues of America at heart, and nowhere is this more apparent than their dedication in the War on Christmas! Well, at long last, the fruits of their efforts have been reaped:

“We’ve been trying to bring this guy to justice for years,” Newman said Monday. “There’s no telling how many Christian soldiers have been brutally subjected to Atkins’ seemingly endless diatribes about separation of church and state and why Christmas should not be a national holiday. Survivors say the torture sessions would go on for hours and hours.”

The charge of genocide against Atkins stems from allegations he tried to systematically wipe out the entire known population of elves, an ethnic group best known for baking cookies in trees and making Christmas toys in Santa Claus’ workshop at the North Pole.

“When’s the last time you saw a real-life, bona fide elf?” Newman asked. “Not a midget dressed like one with fake pointy ears, either. The fact that they aren’t around supports claims that Atkins exterminated them.”

If convicted, Atkins could face a firing squad of a dozen Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot Range Model air rifles.

Good work, xians!


[Please note: This is satire.]