Self-styled prophetess Kat Kerr has a special staff for controlling the weather. And the authority, from her buddy Jesus. Unfortunately, they both seem to wandering about with very limp authority.

On Memorial Day, Alberto was heading toward the southern United States and Kerr used her “weather warrior staff” to declare that the storm would dissipate and not cause any flooding, damage, or deaths.

“I, as a believer of Jesus Christ, I take authority over that storm,” Kerry declared. “I say to you storm, ‘You will diminish.’”

There has been many a time when I’ve rested my cheek on a window and yelled at the universe over the 3rd bloody blizzard in a month, and it’s never done a bit of good. Maybe I need a special weather warrior staff. I suppose a ridiculously skimpy costume might be needed too.

“You are going to hear reports of it being downgraded because it has to obey us,” she guaranteed. […] “You will not do destruction to your country,” Kerr told the storm. “You will not bring flooding rains. We command the rain to cease.”

Unfortunately, this authority business didn’t work at all. [one, two, three.] Good thing I didn’t spend money on that weather warrior staff. Well, that disobedient Storm Alberto didn’t deter Kat from giving it another go, this time with a volcano.

Kerr also commanded the volcano that has been erupting on Hawaii’s largest island for over a month now to stop flowing.

“We have authority over volcanoes,” she said. “We can even tell them to stop. Christ stopped the storm. So while we’re taking power and authority over the devil controlling that volcano—people are going to be laughing about this, I totally ignore them. Just ignore them. They don’t know what they’re saying and they don’t even know what’s going on. They don’t understand spirit realm authority. They don’t understand that Jesus made us joint heirs, but I do.”

You might understand spirit realm authority, Ms. Kerr, but as all its properties amount to nothing, zip, zilch, nada, who gives a fuck? You can shake your stick all you like, but it’s not going to an effect on a volcano.

“So I take authority over that volcano,” Kerr declared. “I command it to cease exploding, shooting out the lava, that the pressure be released but without any destruction to people. I command that lava, you will stop flowing and you will crystallize before you touch any more people or their property.”

Crystallize? You looking for a nice staff topper or something? Oh, maybe that’s your problem – there’s no knob on the end! Oh wait, you have to be a wizard for that one. Tsk.  It seems the volcano isn’t interested in hearing you out, Kat. Perhaps if you put on a skimpy outfit a la Storm, slap a crystal on that staff, and stand on the rim…hey, it might work!

RWW has the full story, and another video.