So…then fecal transplants could be a kind of mind control?

This is an amazing “discovery”! Someone named JA Tetro has been selling interviews and articles to women’s magazines and other credulous sources, claiming that your microbiome is the key to compatibility.

Tetro says that when you kiss your date, his or her germs make their way into your mouth’s ecosystem. And if it’s a match, you’ll want to keep smooching.

This study does one amazing thing, it shows you that kissing is the best way to find a mate for the long term. It might sound really gross but if the bacteria from the other person harmonizes with your bacteria, your immune system is all good. You feel a sense of calm and happiness, maybe even addiction, he explained.

But if the bacteria don’t align with your microbes, you actually feel disgust and revolt. Your immune system is rejecting that person as a possible mate.

Pathetic. Tetro might be getting a few bucks with these gushy, goofy stories, but he’s missing the real opportunity for fame, riches, and power. We need to weaponize this concept.

If just a little smooch that shuffles a few bacteria back and forth can affect your mind and influence your behavior, we clearly have a tool that can shape national and world affairs. Rather than exchanging oral bacteria, we need to take a step upwards: one way transfer, and massive bombing of the gut with whole new bacterial colonies. We need to do fecal transplants.

None of this grade school crap of making people just like each other, either. I have bigger goals. How about if we hit Rush Limbaugh with a little time-release pill packed with Rachel Maddow’s poop? Let’s fill him with a sense of calm and happiness derived from a liberal lesbian. I can think of a way to get John Boehner addicted to Barack Obama now.

Except, well…Jonathan Eisen says it doesn’t work. He’s actually mocking JA Tetro’s ideas. And he’s quoting papers with real data.

This study indicates that a shared salivary microbiota requires a frequent and recent bacterial exchange and is most pronounced in couples with relatively high intimate kiss frequencies of at least nine intimate kisses per day or in couples sampled no longer than 1.5 h after the latest kiss. The microbiota on the dorsal surface of the tongue is more similar among partners than unrelated individuals, but its similarity does not clearly correlate to kissing behavior. Our findings suggest that the shared microbiota among partners is able to proliferate in the oral cavity, but the collective bacteria in the saliva are only transiently present and eventually washed out, while those on the tongue’s surface found a true niche, allowing long-term colonization.

So there’s no evidence that bacteria have a mechanism for mind control, and what data there is suggest that it’s mostly a transient colonization that requires frequent sustained activity to get any change in the bacterial population. Dang. Back to the drawing board.


  1. Cuttlefish says

    I say whatever reason we can come up with for Rush Limbaugh to eat shit, it’s worth a try.

  2. twas brillig (stevem) says

    re Rush & Hannity & Beck & Boehner & Sarah Palin & etc. etc. :

    The {fecal transplant = mind control} is well known to those big names up there, it’s their Strategy to devastate the Liberal Mindset of the people they talk at, and are forever spewing all their fecal thoughts at. They know that the slightest taste of their fecal thoughts will control the exLiberals mind to their command, to introduce them to The Free Market with no “nanny state” restrictimations. And FREE to join their Religion (only), and Freeze Peach with no criticisms (if they follow the party line).

  3. Ben Lutgens says

    Sounds like a load of nonsense to me. Who pays for these kinds of studies? A sense of calm from the germs and bacteria? Fucking really?

  4. parasiteboy says

    Speaking of gut microbiomes. Me and my significant other got a dog in August and I’ve noticed that the smell of both of their farts have gotten more similar over time, whereas mine hasn’t changed. I really hope they’ve been kissing and not swapping feces:-/

  5. says

    What a good idea! Rachel Maddow can make money selling her poop for fecal transplant use. I don’t know what MSNBC pays her, but I don’t doubt that she needs more money for fishing gear and for footwear.

    Maddow on Letterman on January 15. Scroll down to see awesome shoes.

    On last night’s show, Maddow featured a long interview with Ruth Bader Ginsberg, the Notorious R.B.G. If we go through with the fecal transplant for Rush Limbaugh, will he feature an interview with R.B.G.?

  6. shadow says


    Why use the fecal transplant of RBG on Lush? Why not hit up Thomas, Scalia, Kennedy, Roberts and Alito with a brain change?

  7. Rich Woods says

    @parasiteboy #9:

    Me and my significant other got a dog in August and I’ve noticed that the smell of both of their farts have gotten more similar over time

    Nah, that’s just your partner covering for the dog.

  8. says

    shadow @11

    Why use the fecal transplant of RBG on Lush? Why not hit up Thomas, Scalia, Kennedy, Roberts and Alito with a brain change?

    Even better. Use a Rachel Maddow fecal transplant on Lush Dimbulb. Use Ruth Bader Ginsberg fecal transplant on those Supreme Court Justices you list.

    We could go a long way with this. Oh, the possibilities!

  9. Radioactive Elephant says

    Ugh, this reminds me of those MRA\PUA guys mocked on we hunted the mammoth who say spitting into a woman’s mouth will make her easier to control. Is this just trying to Sciencify that idea?