You may all recall that a certain bad movie was released in mid-April…a movie which I have not yet seen, but which is now available on DVD. I was just at the local gas station/grocery store/video store, and there it was, available right there on the shelf. I considered it for a few minutes, and then, since I was paying for gas anyway, I tossed it on the counter and brought it home. Yeah, I know, I wasted $2.12, but it’s about time I got it over with.
I’m about to sit down and watch it. I figure one way I can recoup my investment is by live-blogging it.
Here’s the trailer.
That’s right, it’s Zombie Strippers!. There was another recent release on the shelf, but there was no way that piece of crap was going to get a penny of my money. By the way, my mother called me tonight to say that she had finally seen that other movie, and she said I was very nice in it, but Ben Stein was terribly boring, and she would like me to co-star with Brad Pitt next time.
Hang on a few minutes, I have to go pop some popcorn, and then I’ll fire up the ol’ Blue Ray player and watch the show.
Dang. My wife ate all the popcorn while I was out. I’ll just have to cope.
Oh, no. It begins with a prelude in which George W. Bush has won his 4th term (thanks to Supreme Court Justice Jenna Bush), and since we’re in wars all over the globe, we need a new way to keep our forces fighting: some kind of weird super-science that lets soldiers keep fighting after they’re dead. It’s ham-handed exposition, but amusing and cheesy.
Why are all the female soldiers wearing tight, low-cut t-shirts? It doesn’t seem very practical.
Wait zombification involves a virus associated with the X chromosome, so it remains more pure in females, and falls apart in males? That makes no sense.
Oh, well, it doesn’t seem to matter. The soldiers just start shooting zombies in the lab, with several scenes of exploding heads. Zombies are defeated, but one soldier is bitten and runs away, and somehow, within a few blocks, finds himself in a stripper bar. Of course. That makes sense. Every high tech lab facility dedicated to making weaponized zombies must have a strip club next door.
This is also an excuse for the movie to show gratuitous naked women with artificial breasts.
I am so happy! Science! Female stripper boss with Russian accent introduces a new stripper, and makes a remark about everyone being happy as a crab…or some other crustacean, a clam. One of the strippers informs her that a clam is a mollusc, not a crustacean. See? You can learn something from this movie.
This movie also has character development. We are introduced to several of the female leads by watching each one do a pole dance. So far, they’re all indistinguishable, except for the new girl, Jesse — we learn that she’s a Christian, and she’s only stripping to pay for her grandmother’s colostomy. She can’t go on, so a very cynical stripper played by someone named Jenna Jameson takes her place, who is attacked by the escaped soldier and gets her throat ripped out. Don’t worry, she bounces right back a few moments later.
Zombie strip tease! It’s kind of lurchy and bloody, and not really my thing, I’m afraid. Also, zombie strip teases seem to culminate in man-eating.
In a completely incomprehensible twist, undead rotting women covered in blood who eat members of the audience become very popular, making lots of money for the club owner. I’m sure there’s a metaphor for creationism somewhere in here.
Competitive zombie strip-off. Zombie victim rebellion. Survivors hole up in club owner’s office, who happens to have a stockpile of guns. Zombies are dead, boring, and ugly. Maybe there is a connection to Ben Stein.
I won’t give away the ending, except to say it consists of lots of gore.
It was an awful, tawdry, uninteresting little exploitation movie. It’s probably still better than Expelled.