Point and laugh » « Things are heating up all over the place Don’t be fooled They’re calling it “External Delivery”, but come on, they’re aren’t fooling anyone. This is just storkism under another name. Share this:PrintEmailShare on TumblrTweet Point and laugh » « Things are heating up all over the place
Matt the heathen says
Robster, FCD says
Excellent. I love how cectic has little kids pushing it.
At last someone has the courage to broadcast what I’ve been saying for years! The concept that ALL presents come from friends and relatives is just a THEORY!
Similarly, just because some easter eggs are hidden by parents doesn’t mean none actually come from the easter bunny. In fact, I remember multiple easter mornings when there were bunny footprints and nibbled carrot remains attesting to the existence of the magic bringer-of-chocolate-treats.
Josh Charles says
Please, no straw men, PZ! Storkism is obviously wrong, and has nothing to do with the delivery of presents! I believe the term you’re looking for is ‘Santa Clause-ism’ which is, in fact, true.
I’ve proven it empirically.
Stuart Coleman says
Please PZ, this isn’t about babies, it’s about presents. You and your mischaracterization of legitimate scientific positions!
That was great. I was chuckling a bit until I hit “Sexternal delivery proponentsists”, at which point I just cracked up.
Now my cow-orkers all think I’m cracked up.
James McGrath says
Brilliant! With Lacie Cuskin!!! :) A parody for the Christmas season is the best present. Thanks for sharing this!
The Parentist agenda is to undermine the credibility of parents by portraying them as liars about Christmas gifts. Once this child/parent bond of trust is broken, the family unit disintegrates. As a result these children become morally lost and contribute to the disintegration of society.
Bah! Lacie may have a growing list of older kids who reject parentism, but I’ll bet I could compile a much bigger list of older kids called Steve who accept parentism. I’m making a list, I’m checking it twice…
So does this mean that all our children are part of the biggest cargo cult in America?
Josh Charles says
Such a list serves no purpose! It doesn’t deal with the facts! Besides, people named steve tend to be rather ignorant.
You have to prove that Parentism actually works, every step of the way. I’m talking receipts for purchases, wrapping techniques, gift-hiding locations, wrapping paper creation and distribution. And you have to account for all those missing cookies (and the milk)! If parentism is true, how do you account for COWS+CHOCOLATE?
Santa-ism (via external delivery) has no problem explaining all these things.
P.S. Please watch the spelling of Santa. Santa != Satan.
N. Wells says
You Parentalists are just relying on your Materialist beleifs about how the presents arrived under the tree. It’s all just different ways of interpreting the evidense, and you have none. When you were little, did you personally see ALL the presents arrive under the tree. Were you there???!!!! Sure, some small presents came from your brothers and sisters, and aunts and uncles, and may be even a few big ones from your parents, but that can’t explain the big presents that were otherwise unattributed. Nor does it matter that nowadays all the big presents that you get or give are people-based – after all, you’ve sinned and your no longer innocent, so you wouldnt be getting any Externally Delivered presents anyway.
Also, if your so smart, then if all presents require a materialist giver, then where did the very first present come from, huh. ???? It is just too improbable that every one of the big presents in the world should be explained by hundreds of millions of parents each going out and finding just the right big present for every child, and just happening to give them all on the same day. A single External Gifting And Delivery Specialist agent is much more parcemo parsimonius. Wait til you die and you are in His Presents, then you’ll be sorry.
Watt de Fawke says
Mark my words, Intelligent Gifting is sure to follow.
How do Parentists explain the disappearance of the carrot I left for Rudolph, eh? Are they suggesting my dad drank the whisky I left for Santa? Pshaw. That theory is full of holes.
They said ED. *chortle*
Can’t believe I’m the first to say that. :)
What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Pope Guilty says
I love Cetic.
You know, PZ, when I first read your post (before following the link), I thought there was a website claiming that humans do not, in fact, develop in utero…
But c’mon you guys!
Santa just feels right. Look at his rosy cheeks and belly full of jelly. It just works for me.
Furthermore I resent this war on… wait a minute this parody is becoming indistinguishable from reality.
Everyone knows that presents are really delivered by the Hogfather, riding on his sled, pulled by his four flying pigs; Gouger, Tusker, Rooter & Snouter.
We’re not going to win any converts by insulting people. Perhaps the belief in presents arriving from an carrying external santa clause can foster a sense of comfort that others in the world can love them. (I, as a firm parentist, never felt so a need to comfort but I can see how it could be comforting to the less secure.) There are always personal and subjective questions parentism can’t answer (“Am I a good boy?”, “Why does Johnny next door get better presents just because his parents are richer?”) so perhaps our best strategy is to realize parentism only answers questions of “How”. When it comes to questions of “Why” people turn to santa clausism for personal answers which are by nature personal and unverifiable. We should simple point out the presents labelled “From Mom and Dad” are very clearly from one’s parent but that doesn’t mean one has to believe there is a man at the north pole who loves them and intangiably influences the parents choice. Or perhaps Santa brings the presents to the stores where the parents purchase them. As stores our outside the realm of the home it is impossible to speculate upon them with the methods of domestic science.
After all, by discovering that presents arrive internal we have taking something very dear away from santa clausist and perhaps we should apologize.
And we can always concede santa clause might exist in the gaps of the unlabeled; the stockings, the eggnog (have we actually met the chickens that lay those particular eggs?), or the wreath. After all, if something originated outside the realm of the home, it is by definition “external”.
Rachel I. says
Dangit man, between “storkism” and “external delivery”, I thought maybe someone had finally harnessed the power of fundamentalist christianity to help develop artificial wombs.
Oh wait, that might help their anti-abortion case but would still give women more freedom. And it’ll probably require more embryonic stem cell research to be done.
Don’t get me all excited like that!
This anger toward storks is aggravating your dyspeptic ulcer.
Brian Thompson says
Isn’t it amazing that christmas presents only happen on ONE day a year, and coincidentally its the SAME DAY that we predict Santa Claus would deliver them? The probability of that happening BY CHANCE due to parentism is incredibly small. Assuming a fairly accurate success rate (~95%) at providing presents for their children, this conspiracy of parents would have a probability of:
N-choose-K(378000000,340200000)(1/365)^378000000 (1 – 1/365)^37800000
Which is INCREDIBLY small and unlikely. The fact that has happened repeatedly over the years only strengthens the claim that a single external agent is organizing the delivery of christmas presents.
Of course, that agent is none other than Santa Claus.
I think you all actually mean “Intelligent Delivery Theory.” It’s pretty obvious we need to teach the controversy. In fact, why not only teach the controversy? Holocaust? Teach the controversy. Evolution? Teach the controversy. God? Teach the controversy–uh, hmm, I mean, no, er, never mind…
But without an External Deliverer, how could we possibly know which children were naughty, and which ones were nice?
Ohhh! So that’s what Ed meant! ;-)
arensb – We have to consult the sacred texts for guidance on acting naughty and nice. These rules can be found in several verses of the book “Santa Claus is coming to town” and, in more extended form, the cautionary tale “I’m getting nothing for Christmas.”
What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up?
Ooh, ooh, I know the answer! But wait, it’s starting to rain and I’ve gotta go. Now, where did I put my…
I’m personally getting tired of the recent Parantists apologists. These people are just as bad if not worse than the fundamentalist EDers. ED is NOT science. ED is the bastard child of Stanta Clausism. I refuse to apologize for my opposition to teaching children such false, and ultimately (emotionally) destructive beliefs. ED is wrong. What happens when a child doesn’t get what they want for Christmas? Or worse, what happens to those children that don’t get anything? Are we just supposed to say, “Sorry Timmy, I guess Santa doesn’t love you, because you were naughty this year, ultimately proving that you’re a terrible person – just saying?” Never mind the rich kid down the street that has been terrorizing the neighborhood for the last year or so. He got a new car (He’s not even old enough to drive! What the hell!?). Let’s just face it. Santa isn’t real, and he doesn’t deliver presents to anyone, be they good or bad. And ED is just a convoluted way to try and manipulate the evidence to try and support your Santa driven agenda. And no – I’m not bitter because I don’t have a car while underage rich kids all over are getting them.
Oh, and have a merry Squidmas
The premise of External Delivery is easily proven.
What your parents make themselves is clearly amateur work, one-off prototypes, neither optimized in efficiency nor minimized in size. A cellphone made by your mother, or an iPod built by your father, would be oversized, clunky, with rough edges.
What you actually get in boxes (which themselves are clearly mass-produced by some Intelligent Designer) are cleanly efficient devices, in smooth shapes and tiny sizes, that no amount of experimentation in your parents’ workshop could have produced — Irreducibly Compact™, so to speak.
Thus the Theory of Parental “Origin of Presents” is unsupportable.
By the same logic, we disprove Garageism — the myth that the iPod, iPhone, and myriad forms of Macintosh owe their common origin to some garage workshop computer kit developed by Jobs and Wozniak.
Such complexity can only have sprung fully-formed, in all its present variety, instantaneously, from the mind of
Santa Claussome as-yet-unnamed Intelligent Designer whose existence must first be accepted before any specific identity shall be revealed.
I came here hoping to engage in a real debate about External Delivery, but all I see is hatefulness and arrogance adorned with hyperbole and Ad Hominem attacks. If this is what passes as “discussion” among those who are supposed to be “rational” then I am truly sorry for you. Obviously, you are all too rigid in your thinking to be open minded–as you claim to be. Praise Santa I am not one of you.
Remember, wars may be started by gift givers but they are reciprocated by re-gifters. Peace unto you all.
Hitler was a parentist, you know.
I wonder if ED will be able to penetrate scientific dogma. I guess we should only worry if the attack can be sustained for more than four hours.
Seven hundred? It is to laugh! Project ChristmastEve will knock ED’s reindeer right out of the sky!
Brownian, OM says
How coan you parentsits beleive that GRABAGE!!!!! The3 Good book says 49 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, 50 And fill’d all the stockings; then turn’d with a jerk”” so whats wrong with that?!! ISN”T THATD EVIDENCE!!!
HOww can you believe (THATS RIGHT,ISN”T THAT SO-CALLED FAITH JUST LIKE RELIGHON?!) parents bring gitfs its like LIES!!
YOU’ll dind out on CHristmas December 25 thats RIGHT 23 days AND THEN YOU WILL SEE THE TRUTH OF ST NICHOLAS !!!HAHAHHA!!
Wheer will you’re parents then
Obviously those presents couldn’t have walked in there on their own. I mean, logically, if you find a present under a tree — a present implies a deliverer, right ? And, when at least 51% of the things you get are something you wanted, it has to be Intelligent Delivery, right?
So, presents had to come from outside the house, they were selected by an intelligence, ergo external delivery — QED.
Brendan S says
I don’t see how anyone here is able to make a judgment on Santa Clause-ism. All you Acleists haven’t spent any time studying the ancient texts! DO you know what is says in TNBC Verse 3? No? Then how can you call someone else’s beliefs into question! People have believed this for 100s of years! Are you calling them stupid!?
Damian Peterson says
The evidence for ED is overwhelming. New technologies are clearly showing massive holes in Parentism. A simple test every child can do is to go through your parent’s credit card transactions for the month of December. You will clearly see items there that have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with Christmas presents! Pffft! Unless your parents were buying you ELECTRICITY or VEGETABLES for your Christmas. Wake up people!
But what about the Tooth Bunny? Will someone PLEASE think of the Tooth Bunny?