Feb 14 2012

Biology teaches that sexual deviancy is normal

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It truly does, and someone has caught us out and published a stunning exposé that reveals the horrible, awful behavior that our goddess, Nature, endorses. You must read “God Hates Checkered Whiptail Lizards!!!” and weep. This is but one page of a devastating revelation.

(Also on Sb)

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44 comments

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1

Bart B. Van Bockstaele

14 February 2012 at 7:09 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hooooh the perverts. They will burn in the lake of brimstone for all eternity!
2

Moggie

14 February 2012 at 7:13 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

See, this is what happens when you have Ellen advertising for J. C. Penney.
3

Zinc Avenger

14 February 2012 at 7:13 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I was married to a checkered whiptail lizard once.

Good times.
4

McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn

14 February 2012 at 7:18 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The stupid…now even hurtier.
5

Louis

14 February 2012 at 7:21 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I understand this god is also not fond of a poly-cotton blend or a prawn cocktail. This deity is a fucking idiot. Please provide a more sensible omnipotent being forthwith. If not fifthwith.

Louis
6

McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn

14 February 2012 at 7:27 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Isn’t Fifthwith somewhere in England near Stilton-Upon-Melbatoaste?
7

sundiver

14 February 2012 at 7:33 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I got as far as ” homoerotic bulldyke carpet munch humping ” before realising this is a Poe. Good parody though.
8

crys

14 February 2012 at 7:34 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I can’t decide which sentence I love best, though I have to say claiming that lizards are members of a “cult” has got to be up there.

Satan sure is fucking busy though, have you ever read Biological Exhuberance by Bruce Baghemil? yeesh, there’s enough in there to make to tremble under the covers clutching your holy bible and godless flashlight for dear life….
9

sundiver

14 February 2012 at 7:36 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I also damn near ruined my keyboard and monitor.
10

McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn

14 February 2012 at 7:42 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I think the clearest giveaway was asking someone to read the bible with the lizards. Christians don’t read the bible, they have Larry King read the pre-approved parts on tape.
11

Buccal Pump

14 February 2012 at 7:43 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Mmmmmm…. now that’s good satire.

It’s almost too clever. I can picture some southern communities organizing a “Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”.
12

mastmaker

14 February 2012 at 7:46 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I call poe.

Absolutely poe.
13

richardelguru

14 February 2012 at 7:48 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

But isn’t that behaviour pretty-much what happened to Adam and his presumably genetically identical rib?
The rib got bigger, changed sex and they bonked.
So the Bible must have been written by lizards (or perhaps Eddie Izzard, since he does rhyme).
14

dorsettroll

14 February 2012 at 7:50 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

“Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”

a “homoerotic bulldyke carpet munch humping” extravaganza. *****

Now that’s a film I’d pay to see!
15

Mr Ed

14 February 2012 at 7:57 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Some one needs to collect images like this and combine them with ones from home school “text books” and create a quiz. Poe or Home school
16

Alex Samaras

14 February 2012 at 8:02 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The Poe’s Law is definitely strong with this one. It really is hard sometimes to tell the difference between satire and complete evangelical nuttiness.

This is a good one.
17

Tualha

14 February 2012 at 8:06 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

No, mastmaker. A poe is when it might be for real. This is very clearly a parody.

A similar one from many years ago:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/transgendered-sea-anemone-denounced-as-abomination,646/
18

Louis

14 February 2012 at 8:25 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn, #6,

Stilton-Upon-Melbatoaste? Noooo. That’s near Cumberbatch-Over-Whimsy and the charming village of Bumsex*. Fifthwith is closer to Whackedorf-Under-Bridges and Throbbing-Cum-Lightly.

Louis

*Given we do have a town called Dorking, I feel this is not a stretch.
19

peterh

14 February 2012 at 8:32 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@ #6:

I seem to recall that it’s somewhere north of Badger’s Halt; a spot called Idiot’s Halt.
20

timgueguen

14 February 2012 at 8:44 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Love the Bald Eagle shedding a single tear of sadness for the state of modern America.

Yeah, hopefully the clueless sort of religious folks don’t see this and decide to assault the poor lizards.
21

kieran

14 February 2012 at 8:57 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Nobody mention Dandelions or he may have a case for a virgin birth.
22

janine

14 February 2012 at 9:26 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Lesbian Lizard Cult?

Well, it is an improvement over their old name, Unguarded Pale Stomach Area.
23

Erulóra Maikalambe

14 February 2012 at 9:29 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Must all parodies now be called Poes, even when they are so blazingly obviously parodies?
24

Synfandel

14 February 2012 at 9:39 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Must all parodies now be called Poes, even when they are so blazingly obviously parodies?

It’s just more fun to say “poe” than “parody”. Poe, poe, poe, poe. See? Try it.

And it gives you that ‘in’ feeling from using a shibboleth, even if misusing it proves that you’re actually ‘out’.
25

anuran

14 February 2012 at 9:54 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Dorsettroll – They’re lizards. There’s no carpet to munch. If you’d said “homoerotic bulldyke Linoleum-waxing humping” extravaganza” you’d have a point
26

emc2

14 February 2012 at 10:32 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Not only should we read the bible to them but specifically Deuteronomy 23:13:

As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.

And Mark 14:51-52

A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him,
he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.
27

Ms. Daisy Cutter, Gynofascist in a Spiffy Hugo Boss Uniform

14 February 2012 at 11:46 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Oh, Louis, there’s plenty worse than Dorking.
28

Jamie

14 February 2012 at 12:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Actually biology *did* teach me that sexual deviancy is normal. I remember learning that we’re the deviant ones as most of the life on earth reproduces by asexual reproduction (and that even in sexual reproduction there’s tons of variety).

When they mentioned the lizards “alternate between roles of husband and wife” I just had to laugh at using the terms “husband” and “wife” for animals that don’t get married. I also couldn’t help but think of how limpets (or maybe I’m confusing them with some other gastropod) and their sequential hermaphrodism would cause major pearl-clutching.

Oh biology.
29

Francisco Bacopa

14 February 2012 at 12:23 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I saw one of these a few months ago at a vineyard west of Austin, which is around the eastern edge of their range. Quite an attractive lizard.

Animal ssex and reproduction sometimes takes strange forms indeed. Consider theAmazon molly, a kinky relative of he popular aquarium fish. They are all female and reproduce by parthenogenesis, but they need to mate with a male of another species to initiate cell division in their ova. They usually mate with P. latipinna, the wild strain of the fish we fishkeepers know and love, but they will even mate with Gambusia if nothing else is around.

That must be amusing to watch as a female molly is about 8-27 times the weight of a male gambusia.
30

pacomius

14 February 2012 at 12:25 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Loved Deuteronomy 23:13
31

dorsettroll

14 February 2012 at 12:32 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

anuran #25

But there must be a carpet, Proverbs 31:22 says:

“She has made a carpet for herself” and since there is no he lizard, it must refer to the she lizard.
32

anuran

14 February 2012 at 1:24 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Dorsettroll: Lizards wear merkins?
33

Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart: mad, but sadistic genius

14 February 2012 at 1:25 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

My first reaction was to go, “Awwwweee! Cutie lizards!” And make kissy noises at the screen of my phone.

I may need help.
34

jaranath

14 February 2012 at 1:50 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Anyone know where to get a PDF or hard copy?

Re: Rude Britain, I was an American non-werewolf (sadly) in London a few years ago. Riding the Tube one evening, there was a young couple across from me whispering apparent sweet nothings to each other. The automated PA system ran through a list of stops at regular intervals. Every time it came to “Cockfosters”, the young man would giggle and splutter “Cockfosters!” Maybe they were putting on an odd show for the tourist, but I was amused to see an apparent native get such a kick out of it.
35

Active Margin

14 February 2012 at 2:03 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Pseudocopulation. I need to find a way to drop this word into a conversation and impress my friends. And perhaps Cockfosters, too.
36

Moggie

14 February 2012 at 2:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

jaranath, they couldn’t have been natives. We don’t talk to one another on the tube.
37

Forbidden Snowflake

14 February 2012 at 2:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Well, the lizard still has legs, so God must be OK with what it’s up to.

Also, I love spiritual destitution’s* beady little eyes.

*see text below lizard photo
38

bryanfry

14 February 2012 at 2:33 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I guess this explains the virgin birth ;)
39

scorpy1

14 February 2012 at 2:45 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Dibs on the band name, “Lesbionic Lizards”.
40

Gregory Greenwood

14 February 2012 at 2:48 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Buccal Pump @ 11;

It’s almost too clever. I can picture some southern communities organizing a “Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”.

I know what you mean. It seems sadly inevitable that, somewhere, there will be a truly hardcore xian fanatic reading this and thinking;

“Amen, brother! Time to give those devil-worshipping reptilian perverts what for! No shoes, no tie, no endothermic physiology – no service…”
41

dorsettroll

14 February 2012 at 3:03 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

anuran says: “Lizards wear merkins?”

Apparently. You can’t make this stuff up!
42

jaranath

14 February 2012 at 3:09 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Now that you mention it Moggie, I could hear them as it WAS otherwise silent…
43

IndyM, pikčiurna

14 February 2012 at 8:05 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn, re #10:

Larry King is a lizard, albeit a somewhat human-looking one.
44

mariofernandez

15 February 2012 at 12:45 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I heard the creation science museum will commision a study to find out how these heathens managed to sneak into the ark.