Biology teaches that sexual deviancy is normal

It truly does, and someone has caught us out and published a stunning exposé that reveals the horrible, awful behavior that our goddess, Nature, endorses. You must read “God Hates Checkered Whiptail Lizards!!!” and weep. This is but one page of a devastating revelation.

(Also on Sb)


  1. Louis says

    I understand this god is also not fond of a poly-cotton blend or a prawn cocktail. This deity is a fucking idiot. Please provide a more sensible omnipotent being forthwith. If not fifthwith.


  2. McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn says

    Isn’t Fifthwith somewhere in England near Stilton-Upon-Melbatoaste?

  3. sundiver says

    I got as far as ” homoerotic bulldyke carpet munch humping ” before realising this is a Poe. Good parody though.

  4. says

    BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh I can’t decide which sentence I love best, though I have to say claiming that lizards are members of a “cult” has got to be up there.

    Satan sure is fucking busy though, have you ever read Biological Exhuberance by Bruce Baghemil? yeesh, there’s enough in there to make to tremble under the covers clutching your holy bible and godless flashlight for dear life….

  5. McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn says

    I think the clearest giveaway was asking someone to read the bible with the lizards. Christians don’t read the bible, they have Larry King read the pre-approved parts on tape.

  6. Buccal Pump says

    Mmmmmm…. now that’s good satire.

    It’s almost too clever. I can picture some southern communities organizing a “Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”.

  7. says

    But isn’t that behaviour pretty-much what happened to Adam and his presumably genetically identical rib?
    The rib got bigger, changed sex and they bonked.
    So the Bible must have been written by lizards (or perhaps Eddie Izzard, since he does rhyme).

  8. dorsettroll says

    “Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”

    a “homoerotic bulldyke carpet munch humping” extravaganza. *****

    Now that’s a film I’d pay to see!

  9. Mr Ed says

    Some one needs to collect images like this and combine them with ones from home school “text books” and create a quiz. Poe or Home school

  10. says

    The Poe’s Law is definitely strong with this one. It really is hard sometimes to tell the difference between satire and complete evangelical nuttiness.

    This is a good one.

  11. Louis says

    McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn, #6,

    Stilton-Upon-Melbatoaste? Noooo. That’s near Cumberbatch-Over-Whimsy and the charming village of Bumsex*. Fifthwith is closer to Whackedorf-Under-Bridges and Throbbing-Cum-Lightly.


    *Given we do have a town called Dorking, I feel this is not a stretch.

  12. peterh says

    @ #6:

    I seem to recall that it’s somewhere north of Badger’s Halt; a spot called Idiot’s Halt.

  13. says

    Love the Bald Eagle shedding a single tear of sadness for the state of modern America.

    Yeah, hopefully the clueless sort of religious folks don’t see this and decide to assault the poor lizards.

  14. janine says

    Lesbian Lizard Cult?

    Well, it is an improvement over their old name, Unguarded Pale Stomach Area.

  15. Synfandel says

    Must all parodies now be called Poes, even when they are so blazingly obviously parodies?

    It’s just more fun to say “poe” than “parody”. Poe, poe, poe, poe. See? Try it.

    And it gives you that ‘in’ feeling from using a shibboleth, even if misusing it proves that you’re actually ‘out’.

  16. anuran says

    Dorsettroll – They’re lizards. There’s no carpet to munch. If you’d said “homoerotic bulldyke Linoleum-waxing humping” extravaganza” you’d have a point

  17. emc2 says

    Not only should we read the bible to them but specifically Deuteronomy 23:13:

    As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement.

    And Mark 14:51-52

    A young man, wearing nothing but a linen garment, was following Jesus. When they seized him,
    he fled naked, leaving his garment behind.

  18. Jamie says

    Actually biology *did* teach me that sexual deviancy is normal. I remember learning that we’re the deviant ones as most of the life on earth reproduces by asexual reproduction (and that even in sexual reproduction there’s tons of variety).

    When they mentioned the lizards “alternate between roles of husband and wife” I just had to laugh at using the terms “husband” and “wife” for animals that don’t get married. I also couldn’t help but think of how limpets (or maybe I’m confusing them with some other gastropod) and their sequential hermaphrodism would cause major pearl-clutching.

    Oh biology.

  19. Francisco Bacopa says

    I saw one of these a few months ago at a vineyard west of Austin, which is around the eastern edge of their range. Quite an attractive lizard.

    Animal ssex and reproduction sometimes takes strange forms indeed. Consider theAmazon molly, a kinky relative of he popular aquarium fish. They are all female and reproduce by parthenogenesis, but they need to mate with a male of another species to initiate cell division in their ova. They usually mate with P. latipinna, the wild strain of the fish we fishkeepers know and love, but they will even mate with Gambusia if nothing else is around.

    That must be amusing to watch as a female molly is about 8-27 times the weight of a male gambusia.

  20. dorsettroll says

    anuran #25

    But there must be a carpet, Proverbs 31:22 says:

    “She has made a carpet for herself” and since there is no he lizard, it must refer to the she lizard.

  21. Dr. Audley Z. Darkheart: mad, but sadistic genius says

    My first reaction was to go, “Awwwweee! Cutie lizards!” And make kissy noises at the screen of my phone.

    I may need help.

  22. jaranath says

    Anyone know where to get a PDF or hard copy?

    Re: Rude Britain, I was an American non-werewolf (sadly) in London a few years ago. Riding the Tube one evening, there was a young couple across from me whispering apparent sweet nothings to each other. The automated PA system ran through a list of stops at regular intervals. Every time it came to “Cockfosters”, the young man would giggle and splutter “Cockfosters!” Maybe they were putting on an odd show for the tourist, but I was amused to see an apparent native get such a kick out of it.

  23. Active Margin says

    Pseudocopulation. I need to find a way to drop this word into a conversation and impress my friends. And perhaps Cockfosters, too.

  24. Forbidden Snowflake says

    Well, the lizard still has legs, so God must be OK with what it’s up to.

    Also, I love spiritual destitution’s* beady little eyes.

    *see text below lizard photo

  25. Gregory Greenwood says

    Buccal Pump @ 11;

    It’s almost too clever. I can picture some southern communities organizing a “Checkered Whiptail Whacking Day”.

    I know what you mean. It seems sadly inevitable that, somewhere, there will be a truly hardcore xian fanatic reading this and thinking;

    “Amen, brother! Time to give those devil-worshipping reptilian perverts what for! No shoes, no tie, no endothermic physiology – no service…”

  26. IndyM, pikčiurna says

    @McCthulhu, now with Techroline and Retsyn, re #10:

    Larry King is a lizard, albeit a somewhat human-looking one.