Nov 06 2010

I watched someone fuck a crucifix

That’s my special way of saying that HUMP was fucking brilliant. Or brilliant fucking. Whichever way you want to look at it, it was amazing.

Me: *takes out a pen and paper*
Friend: …Are you going to take notes?
Me: I’m a blogger, shush!

It’s hard to explain exactly how much awesome was packed into these videos, but here were some highlights, including my personal picks for the awards:

  • Stop motion porn, with a literal pearl necklace representing ejaculation…and becoming a pearl necklace.
  • A fivesome…where two of the participants were alien blow up dolls.
  • Fucking on a pile of coffee beans, resulting in the beans being cutely stuck to the guy’s butt.
  • “Bukkake Circus” – yes, it involves bukkake AND scary clowns. I don’t know if it was more or less scary because it was animated.
  • A beautifully artistic video on fireplay
  • Items laying around indicating a raunchy public sexcapade…pan to the police car, only to find a couple that looks like your mom and dad sitting in the back. Hilariously cute ending.
  • Claymation monster sex.
  • The best It Gets Better Project video ever. The guy is trying to give a serious talk while being blown off camera. Once the camera pans out, they fuck like bunnies to prove that it indeed gets better. Much better.
  • A funny yet hot video on the do’s and don’ts of electricplay, where no people were actually shown, but the audio alone was amazing.
  • While the electricplay video was really hot, I had to vote for the most blasphemous video for Best Kink. It started with a nun masturbating to a photo of Jesus. I was dying at “Fuck me hard, Jesus!” but it just kept getting more and more blasphemous. She squirted all over a photo of Jesus. Then she finds some random guy on the street to blow, the whole time the both of them saying stuff like “My boyfriend Jesus is going to punish me for this…eternally.” The climax of the video involved the nun sticking the long skinny part of her crucifix necklace into the urethra of the guy’s penis. I already find sounding (yes, it has a name) uncomfortable to watch, but I think the fact that it was with a crucifix suitably shocked most of the audience. Oh, and while it was happening, the guy said “I feel the Lord inside me!” Yeah, now you know why I had to vote for this.
  • My vote for Best Sex went to the video where we learned that the logos for Apple and Nike were created after some hot as hell gay sex. Like, wow. The only bad thing about this video is that it means there are two more super attractive guys in the world who are gay *shakes fist*
  • The video I picked for Best of Show and Best Humor was insanely witty, and definitely received the most laughter from the audience. They took an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos and made porn videos to replace the original ones, but they fit absolutely perfectly with the host’s commentary and audience reactions. They even had pornified commercials, which were just as perfect. I laughed so hard I started to cry.

People kept asking me, “Don’t you think it’s going to be awkward watching porn in a room full of strangers – or worse, with friends?” Obviously those people don’t know me that well. The first video was super funny, which helped diffuse any tension that was in the room. But watching with other people is what made it even more enjoyable. Hearing the audience laugh or cry “aaauuuuugggghhhh” in unison was great, as was glancing over to see my friends’ reactions to a particularly funny or horrifying bit.

Friend: *whispers* That was my first gay sex video I’ve ever watched!
Me: *shakes hand*

Overall, I was impressed by the quality of the videos. Most were very well done cinematically and artistically. And honestly, the people were way more attractive and the sex was way hotter than your stereotypical porn because it wasn’t super fake. Seriously, porn industry, not everyone needs a foot long cock and fake boobs to make something erotic.

And a personal highlight – I finally got to meet Dan Savage! When we were waiting to go inside the theater he recognized me, said hello, gave me a hug, and then we chatted for a bit. I can’t get over how I listen to his podcast and read his posts on Slog religiously, and then he’s telling me that he reads my blog every day and is looking forward to my review of HUMP. It’s just so bizarrely awesome to have someone you respect so much say that. So, uh, hi Dan, and thanks!

HUMP managed to exceed my expectations, and I had pretty high expectations going in. This is definitely becoming a yearly tradition for me as long as I’m in Seattle – and maybe even beyond that!


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  1. 1

    I’d love to attend HUMP, but as a European, I never might be able to. Will (some of the) films, e.g. the winners, be available to watch outside of the festival? I’d love to see the humor video!

  2. 2

    Damn! Sounds pretty fucking awesome. And vice versa.

  3. 3

    I’d love to come down to Seattle to see HUMP one year. (I live in B.C.) From the sound of it, it was better than I could have imagined.

  4. 4

    HUMP destroys all the videos after the final showing, since the idea is to be a porn star for a weekend, not beyond that. Occasionally some will do so well that the people who made them will put them online, but that’s rare.

  5. 5
    Ryan Schneider

    Sounds much, much better than The Exorcist, which was the first thing I thought of when I read the title of this post.

  6. 6

    What we need is HUMPing all over the US. I’m from California and it’s just not feasible to get up to Seattle to see it. If I could deal with the rain, I’d probably be there already.

  7. 7

    I cannot begin to express just how much I envy you right now.At least you didn’t have to see the anal hook from last year.

  8. 8
    Rev. Ouabache

    Well… now you have a story to tell your grandkids. ;)

  9. 9

    This festival must be the reason I’ve wanted to go to Seattle for so long…..

  10. 10

    So. Intensely. Jealous. Do you know if these videos are going to be compiled into a DVD/ online movie for sale? I mean… seriously! The tickets sold out and there’s a huge market out there for GOOD porn.

  11. 11

    Yes, sounding has a name. Actually, everything I can think of has a name. An old acquaintance of mine, Brenda Love collected the names up. I must find out how she’s doing these days. And thank you very much for

    not everyone needs a foot long cock and fake boobs to make something erotic.

    I have a six inch dick, which limited my porn career. Good think I know how to spank and beat people!

  12. 12
    Michael Gure

    Thanks Jen, you’ve helped me make up my mind about something I’ve been on the fence about (University of Washington graduate school application – submitted)

  13. 13
    Adam Gordon

    Tit Crucifixion! I don’t think I will ever recover from Tit Crucifixion. My Best in Show vote was for “Hi, I’m Pon” which I found very moving.

  14. 14

    You’re already putting up with the fucking 10 month summers we have here (I assume; depends on where in California). Just imagine it’s perspiration you’re practically drowning in rather than precipitation.

  15. 15

    Oddly, Tit Crucifixion mostly reminded me why I majored in science instead of art, rather than disturbing me. I think that says a lot.And I think “Hi, I’m Pon” could have been really good if it ended right when it said something like “This was in your bathroom, with your camera.” It seemed to drag a bit after that.

  16. 16
    G. Syme

    I thought of the Marquis de Sade, actually. He went there first!

  17. 17

    Jen thinks electricplay is hot. I’m just going to add that to my list of things which are totally awesome. >.>

  18. 18

    I’ve never actually visited this blog before. I’m blushing ferociously. I feel like I’ve walked in on something.

  19. 19

    Haha, whoops. Welcome to Blag Hag, I guess. It’s usually not *this* raunchy…

  20. 20

    I’ve just been catching up with the Ms controversy. One has to learn to take ones politics with the odd dash of porn. It’s all part of growing up, which is something I really need to get around to…

  21. 21

    Wow, sounds pretty cool. Now I gotta see if there’s some way I can attend next year… *plots*And your blogaffair with Dan — d’awwww! ;-)

  22. 22

    The nun video sounds HOT!

  23. 23
    Alt 6

    Sounds like fun. As a general rule I don’t attend film festivals because I’m not particularly fond of the people there (you know who I’m talking about). I might attend this one if I’m in Seattle around the right time but I doubt it. As a general rule the kind of porn I enjoy is not looked upon kindly by most people and I’ve never seen a point in porn for non-masturbatorial purposes. Anywho, good post Jen. Lots of fun.

  24. 24
    Alt 6

    Hey, just re-read my post and thought I should clarify; the porn I mentioned isn’t CP. It’s perfectly legal…. most places.

  25. 25

    I laugh out loud at the Nun and the Bum get some, as well as do’s and don’ts of ten play……… Best geek reference Don’t cross current streams……. ghost-busters joke is a don’t……

  26. 26

    As an electrical engineer, I approve as well.

  27. 27

    So… what is it?

  28. 28
    Alt 6

    @valhar2000 (I know there’s a reply function, it just won’t let me use it)Beatings. Not BDSM so much as a good beating with fists or feet or some kind of instrument. It can be hard to find videos I’m reasonably certain are consensual but they’re out there.

  29. 29
    Peter B

    Jen said: “The climax of the video involved the nun sticking the long skinny part of her crucifix necklace into the…”Oh, I *so* didn’t need to read that…A couple of years ago I got rushed to hospital with what turned out to be septicaemia (yay for hospital-grade antibiotics). While in Accident & Emergency, a nurse inserted a catheter in my urethra while I was conscious. That remains the most horribly unpleasant thing that has ever happened to me while conscious (and that includes, a couple of hours later, vomiting up nearly a litre of contrast medium fluid over my face while a surgeon was inserting a PICC line into my chest).

  30. 30

    Welcome to Seattle, Grasshopper.Am sending waves of intense **envy** at you for having met Dan Savage, and having him acknowledge *your* blog [grumblegrumblegrumble]

  31. 31
    PZ Myers

    I’m trying real hard to imagine the response to such an event if it were held in the rural midwest…

  32. 32

    I’m not entirely sure, but I think it would involve pitchforks.

  33. 33

    Naughty pitchforks. Pitchfork handles and lard… O.o

  34. 34
    Nick B.

    I cannot believe that you people think this stuff is “awesome”. You people are a joke. I am hereby embarrassed that I ever told people to check out Jen McCreight’s blog. Flat-out stupid and unfunny.

  35. 35

    Oh, is Nick B. trying to show us how HUMP would be received in the rural midwest?

  36. 36

    Oh no, people talking openly about porn and sex -and enjoying it?! Run for the hills, Nick, and good riddance.

  37. 37
    Polina Malamud

    Man, that festival sounds really awesome!Unfortunately, I have to say I’m kind of disappointed in the Dan Savage thing. I thought he was fabulously cool and awesome for a while until I heard some of the really nasty things he’s had to say about polyamorous people, trans people, genderqueer people… He gives some really fantastic advice sometimes and then other times he goes completely off the rails.

  38. 38
    Nick B.

    I don’t have a problem with talking openly about porn and sex and enjoying it. Why would you even say that? I’m just insulting the sense of humor and sense of what is “cool” displayed here. Most of the people drop a comment about how funny and cool they think the descriptions are. I have the opposite sentiment.

  39. 39

    Look at what you wrote. What message do you think that sends? That the people leaving comments are all “a joke” for openly talking about porn and enjoying it. That would be why I said that.The fact that you don’t share someone else’s sense of humor doesn’t make them a joke, stupid, and/or unfunny. It just means they have a different opinion of what’s funny. To stop reading the blog over one post you don’t like shows an incredible level of immaturity and pique, even for the interwebs, where that shit is practically par for the course.Not everybody thinks the way you do, or likes what you like. Get over yourself and lighten up.

  40. 40

    Oh my, Ms. McCreight, you have given me the vapours. Angus, darling, please fetch the smelling salts, I must excuse myself from commenting farther on your electronic publication. I simply cannot put my health at risk like this….to be so unladylike. Where is my parasol?

  41. 41
    Nick B.

    Jesus, you’re stupid. You have again said that my beef is with people “talking openly about porn…”. I’m not going to repeat myself. You can just read what I previously wrote.And I never said I was going to stop checking out the blog.”Get over yourself and lighten up.”I think you should follow your own advice. You are the one who can’t let the statement of a different opinion go.

  42. 42

    You win a thousand internet points.

  43. 43

    And someone would get off on that.

  44. 44

    I could guess what someone at HUMP might have done with your parasol, but it seems perfectly dreadful to relay to someone so delicate.

  45. 45

    I’m confused. What nasty things has he said about poly people, trans, and genderqueer people? I’ve heard nothing about this…ever.

  46. 46
    Philip Pangrac

    You should have asked for your pearls to clutch, or your fainting couch.

  47. 47

    I would, but I cannot fathom clutching at my pearl necklace to learn that the same people who took my parasol made issue upon me while I was without my breath in shock. This place is simply awful.

  48. 48

    This sums it up pretty well. He’s done some awesome stuff like Hump and It Gets Better, but as an advice columnist I think he’s pretty much shit.

  49. 49
    PZ Myers

    Perhaps the problem is that you’ve made a vague complaint. Be specific. Quote a sentence or two and explain why it bothers you.Or is it that doing such a thing would make you look like a shrill and goofy prude?

  50. 50
    Nick B.

    That’s a pretty unintelligent thing to say. Most likely, in the rural midwest HUMP would be met with religious moral condemnation and an attempt to prohibit it or shut it down. My comment suggested no such reaction. My reaction was similar to my reaction to the stand-up of Bob Saget, for example. The words ‘asinine’, ‘juvenile’, ‘unfunny’ and ‘sick’ come to mind. But I have not the slightest inclination to ban such an event and my distaste for it is only slightly moralistic. The fact that six people liked your comment is also depressing. Six other people also cannot conceive of a non-religious person thinking this stuff is sad. If you don’t like videos of fucking crucifixes and sex with blow-up dolls, why you must be some backward, traditionally religious fool.Pathetic.

  51. 51
    Nick B.

    “Or is it that doing such a thing would make you look like a shrill and goofy prude? “You seem to be implying that anyone who doesn’t think that stuff is hilarious and just great entertainment is a “shrill and goofy prude”. Is that right?

  52. 52

    If you don’t like videos of fucking crucifixes and sex with blow-up dolls, why you must be some backward, traditionally religious fool.

    Pretty much, yeah.

  53. 53
    Hund'o Boiled Leaves

    That’s sort of sad to hear, but also pretty awesome. I like that the people involved are respected like that!

  54. 54
    JT the Girl

    I know, right…and the whisk!

  55. 55
    JT the Girl

    You know what I respect about him, is that while he does fly off the handle and respond to something before giving it measured, nuanced thought, he will change his opinion over time. He no longer makes fun of (or invisiblizes) bisexuals. And he stopped saying he thought women’s genitalia looked like canned ham.

  56. 56
    JT the Girl

    One of the guys in one of the videos had a tattoo on the back of his arm that said SCIENCE. That was one of my favorite parts. In fact, not a single person didn’t have multiple tattoos. And both lesbian ones were pretty hot, too. It wouldn’t surprise me if the AFV one is online somewhere. She (or they) seem a little less amateur than others, and last year she (they) did a similar style one with Larry King Live.

  57. 57
    Gus Snarp

    Now now, Azkyroth, I don’t like videos of fucking crucifixes (at least not as described, which sounds like my worst nightmare) and sex with blow up dolls, and I’m not a backward, traditionally religious fool. But I’m smart enough to know that “when in Rome, do as the Romans” or at least, “when in Rome, don’t tell the Romans that they’re sick for what they like to do with other consenting adults or watch other consenting adults doing.” The problem isn’t what one likes, it’s when one feels the need to tell a bunch of other people that they’re sick for liking something one doesn’t. And that makes one a backward busybody, if not traditionally religious.

  58. 58

    M**ney? Is that you?

  59. 59

    Wow, my point wooshed right over your head, didn’t it?The key word was “trying.”IOW: FAIL.

  60. 60
    chicago dyke

    damn. Jen wins the internets this week. you biatch.

  61. 61
    Polina Malamud

    That’s actually a really good summing up of it. I was gonna head to his column to dig up some stuff, but Aviva seems to have done all the work for me. And I didn’t even mention all the biphobia on Savage’s column, which has been the cause of the most of his offenses.

  62. 62

    After reading his column and listening to his podcast for years, and being sent links about his apparent horribleness, I have yet to see convincing evidence for these claims that don’t rely on quote mining and overreacting. Dan Savage may not be politically correct or always right, but that doesn’t automatically equal trans/fat/poly/queer/bi hatred like people claim. Not to mention he frequently clarifies or apologizes when people get upset.Don’t scare away your allies because you don’t agree with them 100% of the time. Seriously, why the fuck was the canned ham thing even a controversy? That proves to me people are just looking for ways to drink the hate-o-rade about Dan Savage.

  63. 63

    I agree. For the festival, I think it’s awesome. For me, I’m missing out *g*

  64. 64

    Hey, is there, like, a link or a title to the It Gets Better vid?

  65. 65

    So, no specific complaint then?

  66. 66

    He has mostly atoned for the biphobia.

  67. 67

    Newsflash: tastes and senses of humor are subjective.

  68. 68

    If you don’t like videos of fucking crucifixes and sex with blow-up dolls, why you must be some backward, traditionally religious fool.

    No. It’s the fact that you are offended by other people liking them and making jokes about them that makes you some backward fool. If a post doesn’t interest you, don’t read it. But don’t try to cop some superior attitude because your sense of humor is different than other people’s.

  69. 69
    pearl necklace

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  70. 70

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  71. 71

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  72. 72
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  73. 73

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  1. 74
    I got HUMP!ed | Blag Hag

    [...] film festival (and Dan Savage’s pet project) held in Seattle and Portland every year. When I went last year, the only thing I disliked was having to wait a whole year to go again. But this Friday I went with [...]

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