I got HUMP!ed

My only regret is not buying the t-shirt that said that.

HUMP! is an amateur porn film festival (and Dan Savage’s pet project) held in Seattle and Portland every year. When I went last year, the only thing I disliked was having to wait a whole year to go again. But this Friday I went with a huge group of friends, including Greta Christina. Feel free to complain how jealous you are in the comments.

Here’s a taste of HUMP! for those of you who couldn’t make it. The bonus props this year were duct tape, super soakers, and the number 7.  Obviously NSFW, and Not Safe For People Who Are Seeing Hump Next Weekend and Don’t Want Spoilers:

  • HUMP! opened with a spoof on Japanese Furry Porn where each animal was introduced like a character selection screen on a video game. Also, gratuitous use of silly string. I giggled.
  • I can never eat a donut again. The only lesbian video in HUMP! (and apparently the only lesbian video submitted at all) were two cute punk girls smothering donuts all over each other. There were parts that were hot, parts that were cute (sprinkles stuck to the butt!) and parts that were gross (cream filling facials). Probably the best use of the super soaker, which was filled with cream and strawberry stuff.
  • There were two James Bond spoofs, possibly the logical conclusion of trying to work a Super Soaker into porn. The first, Gold Penis, had some pretty hot sex scenes, but could have used some better video quality and…er…better casting. Sorry, but that was the most un-James-Bond-like James Bond I’ve ever seen. The second spoof was more focused on humor, with a hedgehog being the arch nemesis and the Bond Girl having a blond wig for both her top and bottom.
  • If there was a category for “Creative” or “Clever,” I would have voted for Go Fuck Yourself. Imagine a time paradox where you have to go to the past and have sex with yourself. The camera work was very cleverly done, and the plot had some funny twists I wasn’t expecting.
  • My next nominee for my fake category of Clever would be Night of the Giving Head. It starts as a typical zombie flick, with a girl being chased by zombies. Eventually her finger is chomped off, but she keeps running. Once the zombie catches her, he discovers she’s already turned into a zombie. And they bone. But in a funny twist, we get a montage of them doing zombie dating activities, like learning to dance Thriller in a karaoke bar, or eating humans at a picnic in the park. It was all tied together when he proposes by giving her finger back with a engagement ring on it, which she duct tapes back onto her hand. Definitely the best use of duct tape, in my opinion.
  • Six Feet Under starts with us at the funeral of a young man, and as the priest gives the eulogy we flash back to what he was actually doing. When sleeping with his wife, he was actually watching a hot dude through the window. His time with his “jogging buddy” was a little less innocent. And we discover his last moments were spent with the priest…having kinky gay sex. And he died from a little too much duct tape. It was cute and hot the whole way through, with a shocker ending of his jogging buddy and the priest coming on his face in the casket. What.
  • There was a Star Wars Strip-Light-Saber-Battle. Funny idea, poor execution. Straight male Star Wars fans apparently didn’t care.
  • Still in the nerdy theme, there were two separate films that involved video games and having sex with Atari joysticks. I…okay.
  • In Which She’s Pushed Against the Door or whatever it was called was super hot, but her screaming sounded super fake and annoying which kept me from voting for it for Best Sex. You were so close, IWSPAD! Fuck realistically or in silence! Silence would have been hotter!
  • The kinky stuff was waaaaay more intense this year. Last year I was “meh” about a couple films and maybe groaned in horror once, but this year was pretty unsettling. One video starts as a potentially hilarious ad for getting kinky supplies at Fred Meyer…but ends in one of the guys being completely wrapped in duct tape and having his partner pee into a funnel that looks like is going into his mouth…but which is revealed at the end to be a trick. One video involved two naughty nurses kidnapping some guy and…Jesus, I don’t event want to explain it. Gore. Fake blood. Stitches. Electroplay. It was one where I was hoping it would end soon. Don’t Call Me Missy was an intense dom/sub film, which starts with the woman tying the guy up to a chair and smacking him around pretty brutally. Eventually he escapes and the wrestling and grabbling and such comes full circle. Honestly the more mild parts of this were kind of hot, but there were lots of extreme parts that were way too shocking for me.
  • But my vote for Best Kink went to Knife, for freaking me out the most. I was literally flailing and had to cover my eyes for the last half. Basically someone ran a knife all over a woman’s body, cut all of her clothes off with it, then continue to run it all over her body. And I mean along her neck, jabbed into her breast, pulling a nipple out and running the sharp end against it, somehow none of this cutting her at all. And as the knife slowly made it’s way downstairs, the whole audience collectively went “Nooooo” and leaned back in their seat in revulsion. And then they stuck it in. Garhgrarhgarg. Augh. Why. WHY.
  • My vote for Best Sex went to Music for 2 Humans. Honestly, a lot of the other videos (Gold Penis, the Door one, Six Feet Under) were super hot… but I think after being freaked out by all the kink videos, I wanted one that was more sweet and…well, something I could relate to. I mean, if you’re into kinky stuff, that’s totally cool, but it’s just not for me. This one was set to beautiful music and was very intimate and real feeling, not staged.
  • My vote for Best Humor went to Mythical Proportions. It was an interview of three women who have centaur fetishes, with their fetishes animated in claymation. It had me in stitches. Favorite fantasy: “Not now honey, I’m preparing to spill the blood of the orc legions.”
  • My vote for Best in Show went to Teenage Dream. Every year there’s a video I wish was online so I could share it, and it’s this one. For one, the production value – film, camera work, acting, choreography – was excellent. It starts with a sort of nerdy effeminate guy playing basketball in gym class, and he blows the winning shot. He walks through the locker room, nervously checking out all the super hot guys. One of the jocks notices and calls him a fag, and before he can do anything, the gay kid faints. We then cut to a dream sequence where the Glee version of Katie Perry’s Teenage Dream starts playing, with all the jocks lip sincing and dancing around, progressively getting more and more naked, while the gay kid is on cloud 9. He eventually is woken up by the bully and his gym teacher, and he just has a big grin on his face. It was sweet, it was funny, and it was awesome. I really, really hope they consider releasing it.
And a funny observation about HUMP! Compared to “typical” internet porn, the women in HUMP! are so much more attractive. They have real, natural bodies of all shapes and sizes, instead of all being super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs. But it’s weird, because I feel like the guys of HUMP! feel…more fake. Maybe it’s because typical straight porn features average or below average guys, but a lot of the HUMP! porn was gay stuff, where all the guys were super hot and ripped. I wanted more variety (skinny nerdy guys!), but maybe that’s just me.
And that was HUMP! The only downside is I have to wait another year to go again. And, well, the dearth of lesbians. Come on ladies, submit stuff for next year! Can’t have the gay guys showing you up like this.


  1. Pteryxx says

    Congratz, and thank you for the writeup for us poor souls who aren’t near Seattle. (And seriously, how about some guy-variety, people? Yeesh! I’m sick of underwear models!)

  2. Josh V says

    Great write up, Jen! Had a great evening and enjoyed it all – including to flinching to Knife with you.

    Safe on my plane… Hope to see you again soon!

  3. Kels says

    Odd there’s no film list available. Sort of a shame, it would be good promotion for the filmmakers and the films themselves outside of the festival itself. I’d love to see the centaur one, it sounds awesome.

  4. Sili says

    OK, I’m jealous.

    (Though, in honesty I’m not sure I could watch porn with strangers like that …)

  5. Justin Griffith says

    Awesome reviews. Totally hate it when my ideas aren’t as unique as I thought – The Go Fuck Yourself movie plot has been a staple of my awkward charm tactics for years. I’d love to see it though! Sounds so fun.

    Still in the nerdy theme, there were two separate films that involved video games and having sex with Atari joysticks. I…okay.

    I laughed out loud (not lying like most lollers).

  6. Mymy says

    I am SO jalous, I didn’t even know that such a festival existed, but now I’ll have to put a reminder in my calendar to fly to Seattle next November. Or convinced some locals to franchise.
    I really want to see the 6 feet under one, I was such a big fan…

  7. Alt+3 says

    >They have real, natural bodies of all shapes and sizes, instead of all being super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs.

    I actually like the synthetic women in my porn. It makes them seem more like a product than a person. I can’t watch real people porn, it’s too personal and intimate. Unless they’re doing terrible things to each other.

    On a somewhat related note I’ve actually seen a girl get fucked with a knife live once. It’s not as bloody as you’d expect.

  8. ara says

    my wife was in seattle this weekend for psychonomic’s convention

    this sounds way more fun

    re: Alt+3 and basically everything you just said…

    what. the. fuck.

  9. Azkyroth says

    Compared to “typical” internet porn, the women in HUMP! are so much more attractive. They have real, natural bodies of all shapes and sizes, instead of all being super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs.

    I know what you mean. I have a similar reaction to most internet porn…and I kind of have a fetish for red-eye effect in photos which I suspect is related. O.o

  10. machintelligence says

    If you haven’t encountered it already you must read All You Zombies by Robert Heinlein. IMHO one of the best crafted time travel paradox stories of all time.

  11. Alt+3 says

    Sorry. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is and isn’t appropriate on this blog (Jen, if you disapprove of my comment feel free to delete it).

  12. leftwingfox says

    Fakery in porn may be dull, but the other side has an even worse pitfall of too much realism: i.e. amateur sites with “real” body types also don’t tend to care much about issues like “consent”. My kinks my dip into socially unacceptable perversions at times but, but there’s nothing that shivs my sense of human decency faster than wondering if something just crossed the line from consenting sex or role-play into abuse.

    There are some progressive porn sites out there, but they are unfortunately pretty rare.

    That’s why I stick to art and writing. There are still has issues with sexism, but at least if you stumble across something vile, you know no-one was actually harmed in the making of it.

    A festival like this where it’s funny, imaginative, kinky and enthusiastic sounds like a hell of a lot of fun.

  13. leftwingfox says

    Argh… one day I’ll learn to preview before submitting. I keep leaving fragments of previous edits all over the place.

  14. Quinapalus says

    There’s such a thing as “typical” Internet porn? I know what “typical” porn looked like in the magazine and video age, but compared to that, I’ve found Internet porn to be the great diversifier. I don’t know where you’re looking, but on my Internet, super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs are in a distinct minority. With effectively unlimited space, all the MILFs you can handle are no more than two clicks away.

  15. Izzy says

    You may be looking for internet porn in the wrong places. There is plenty of feminist friendly porn on the net. Use your google.

  16. Otranreg says

    Compared to “typical” internet porn, the women in HUMP! are so much more attractive. They have real, natural bodies of all shapes and sizes, instead of all being super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs. […] Maybe it’s because typical straight porn features average or below average guys, […]

    Ahem, have you even seen any ‘typical’ Internet porn? Your judgment seems to be overly generalised (and based on what? Two, three, five videos?).

    Although you can find stuff with super-skinny blondes with huge implants (which is so-o-o nineties. Add a cheesy bloom effect and you’re there), there are plenty of videos that specifically have brunettes and redheads, you can see anything other than rib-showing numbers (curvy girls and BBWs being big genres) and various stuff in the tits department (once again, big natural tits being a big thing). I do agree that this variety is hugely straight male-oriented, but what can you say, offer reflects the demand.

    As to male actors in straight porn, there are quite few of them really (many, many times fewer than women) and with some exceptions they all show off jock-like physiques.

  17. Svlad Cjelli says

    “They have real, natural bodies of all shapes and sizes, instead of all being super skinny blondes with huge fake boobs.”

    You need to get out more. And by “get out” I mean sit indoors and watch internet porn.

  18. says

    And as the knife slowly made it’s way downstairs, the whole audience collectively went “Nooooo” and leaned back in their seat in revulsion.

    Um…. that gasp was not, in all cases, revulsion.

  19. says

    …………….fair enough >_>

    I thought the number one rule of sticking things in your vagina was no sharp edges? Gah. Does not compute.

  20. says

    I don’t know the details of how it’s done. I just know that it can be, if great care is applied.

    I’m guessing that, in this case, the knife was less than entirely sharp: it cut through clothing, but with some difficulty. And I’m guessing that there’s a technique having to do with making sure the non-sharp back of the blade is what’s pressing into flesh, and not the sharp edge. But I don’t know enough about it to know for sure.

  21. J Dubb says

    I was in town for Psychonomics but I snuck out to catch the show. The centaur fetish one was uproariously funny… the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. The time-traveling one was great too — best line was during the morning-after scene when Present Time guy is planning a day of activities with Future Guy, and Future Guy is clearly not into it: he says he can’t stay because of “y’know, paradoxes and shit…” The lesbian donut one was technically not lesbian — they were both trans men!


    This blew my mind!

    Mostly it was a jarring experience to have the humor and the sex right on top of each other. But I really enjoyed the show, and I’m jealous of Seattle natives who get to live in such a cool city with such cool people.

  22. julielada says

    Well the edge play one actually sounded really hot until he “stuck it in.” No! Bad Dom!

  23. Joe says

    I don’t know what kind of internet porn you are watching, but there is plenty of mainstream female porn stars who have very normal healthy looking bodies. I don’t feel like typing out a big list and revealing how much of a pervert I really am but Bobbi Starr is a porn girl who has a natural curvy body without huge fake breasts. Just sayin…

  24. nkitty says

    Not having seen it I can’t really say, but it could be that the blade was dulled along most of the length with only a short section sharpened near the guard.

  25. Alt+3 says

    With all this discussion about how to knife someone safely it’s probably worth noting that there is a non-zero amount of people in the BDSM community who just don’t give a fuck about safety. There’s actually a few people I’ve interacted with who don’t care much for the dom/sub aspect and instead get off on just wrecking themselves and others.

  26. Alt+3 says

    One of my favorites, Annette Schwartz, as far as I can tell hasn’t had any modifications. And she’s fairly popular.

  27. De'Juan says

    Knife play is one of my favorite kinks; what was described above sounds like a basic knife scene (except for the insertion). I’ve used all kinds of blades, from mostly dull to razor sharp. My preference is sharper the better, for the fear factor. But I can use any blade and not leave marks, or leave superficial cuts/scratches, or draw blood, depending upon what my play partner and I agreed upon before playing. As far as orifice insertion, the basic rule is the more open the better: the mouth is the easiest to manage, the anus the most difficult. But all can be done (relatively) safely with proper technique and practice.

  28. De'Juan says

    In my experience, the percentage of people who disregard safety is higher in the general population than in the BDSM community. I greatly prefer partners active in the local community to vanilla partners; they tend to be more aware of and consistant with communication, negotiation, limits, and safer sex practices.

  29. Alt+3 says

    Oh, I don’t doubt it. I’ve spent enough time on BDSM sites to know how much topics like safety and trust are very popular. All I’m saying is that there are people who aren’tconcerned whether they really do get hurt or not. It’s obviously not a binary distinction but a continuum of what you’re comfortable with. Personally, my only rule is no permanent marks on my face or hands, everything else is fair game. This would obviously change if I didn’t have healthcare or easy access to hospitals.

    My point seems obvious upon stating it but is nonetheless true; there are people who just want to destroy things and people. As long as consent is provided I don’t have an issue regardless of how extreme things get.

  30. De'Juan says

    Ahh, that clarifies things; thank you.

    I agree, both with the continuum, and that a small percentage of people play without concerns about theirs or their partner’s safety, as well as those who don’t communicate or respect limits as well as they should.

    I am starting a kink-friendly psychotherapy private practice next year. I am hoping to help clients in this regard.

  31. Alt+3 says

    That seems like a great idea. I’ve actually had a therapist tell me she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with me before. And I’ve had a few therapists refuse to three that it can be a healthy activity (psychologically speaking, I’m sure a few ER doctors I’ve met would disagree on medical grounds).

    For me it’s the whole experience, from knowing that the gloves are off to the actual injuries to the hospital trip, to going to work with black eyes and broken noses and stitches. It’s more about enjoying being irresponsible for a while than any given component. It’s kind of like something Great Christina (I think) talked about, that feeling of being out of control and freefalling. The only real difference is that she said she likes to know that she’s still safe on some level whereas I like to know that I really am in serious danger.

  32. Svlad Cjelli says

    I know who that is. Maybe I wouldn’t say she’s a bad performer, but the choreography is typically pretty meh. Might have been a year since I saw anything, though.

  33. Svlad Cjelli says

    I realise, or suspect, that those people think they’re so cool. That’s when I realise I’ve got better things to do than watching stupid kids embarrass themselves.

    I prefer people who actually have a clue of what they’re doing.

  34. Svlad Cjelli says

    ^ Not directed at Alt+3, but the ones who actually are stupid kids who don’t know what they’re doing.

  35. says

    I’m extremely jealous, and “Knife” . . . sounds intensely hot. It’s the only description you gave that had my temperature rising. I’m not sure about the insertion part, but . . . yea.

    Now I just need someone to teach me safe knife play, and a partner who’s into that.

  36. De'Juan says

    Finding a competent knife play instructor is challenging. I myself started with years of martial arts and military experience with knives, then it was a matter of finding others to give me examples and experiences to translate that base of knowledge and confidence into play. Starting out without that experience would have been much more challenging.

    Finding willing partners is much easier by comparison. I’ve introduced knife play to many people who had never experienced it, but were willing to try something new. Almost all of them found that they enjoyed the sensation and heart-stopping thrill of sharp steel kissing flesh.

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