It’s just a frackin’ butt print!

In yet another instance in the chronicles of religious pareidolia, people are flocking to gaze in awe at the wrinkles and bumps in a seat cushion They say it looks like Jesus. Does that make Jesus a butthead?

Antoinette, an 82-year-old parishioner, said the face was a “divine phenomenon” as tears welled up her eyes.

“This church is a holy site,” added Lise-May, another worshipper.

Ladies, you are going into rhapsodies of ecstasy over the dimples in a pillow produced by some old guy’s bony ass. Get real.

Islam hates women

A young man is languishing in an Islamic prison right now, for a terrible crime. Look at this travesty of justice, this product of primitive morality.

Sayed Pervez Kambaksh, the student journalist sentenced to death for blasphemy in Afghanistan, has been told he will spend the next 20 years in jail after the country’s highest court ruled against him – without even hearing his defence.

It later emerged he was convicted by three mullahs, in secret, without access to a lawyer. The sentence was commuted to 20 years on appeal. At that appeal, in October, the key prosecution witness withdrew his testimony, claiming he had been forced to lie on pain of death. The prosecution then appealed to the Supreme Court to reinstate the death sentence. The defence appealed to quash his conviction altogether.

Meanwhile, the student has been languishing in a Kabul jail, fearing for his life. Islamic fundamentalists have been baying for his blood while moderate groups have led marches countrywide demanding his release.

What was his crime? This is as bad as the criminality of the kangaroo court that convicted him.

Mr Kambaksh was found guilty of blasphemy and sentenced to death last year for circulating an essay on women’s rights which questioned verses in the Koran.

Don’t question. Don’t support women. We’ll kill you if you do either. Is that the message?

That was predictable

The case of the Brazilian child who was raped, impregnated, and then had an abortion has taken a predictable turn. Sensible, rational people saw this as a tragedy, but one with a simple partial solution: the abortion was necessary to save the life of a young girl who could not possibly bear the burden of an unwanted pregnancy. The Brazilian Catholic church saw it differently and excommunicated everyone associated with the decision. Then the president of Brazil took a public stand against the church’s unjust decision. Now at last, we hear from the top of the Catholic hierarchy…and the Vatican sides with fetuses over children. No surprise there at all.

Somehow, a church that preaches about a god of love has turned into a tableaux of empty gilt robes, devoid of human compassion, dedicated only to the perpetuation of a dead dogma. The utilitarian argument that religion at least provides comfort to people in need ought to be extinct now.

Alas, alas that great city Babylon, that mighty city! For in one hour is thy judgment come

Adding to my joy of late is a remarkable article predicting the demise of evangelical Christianity in our lifetimes.

Within two generations, evangelicalism will be a house deserted of half its occupants. (Between 25 and 35 percent of Americans today are Evangelicals.) In the “Protestant” 20th century, Evangelicals flourished. But they will soon be living in a very secular and religiously antagonistic 21st century.

Do I believe it will happen? I confess that there’s a good bit of wishful thinking on my part that clouds my judgment, but I have high hopes, and I think it entirely possible. This particular article is especially interesting because it is published in the Christian Science Monitor, and it’s written by a Christian (well, more accurately, “a postevangelical reformation Christian in search of a Jesus-shaped spirituality,” whatever that means), writing as an insider with intimate knowledge of the evangelical movement. He’s not happy about it, either, which makes the article an interesting read just because every time he intones an article of woe in his litany of doom, I’m feeling like pumping a fist in the air and shouting “Yes!”

He places the blame on several factors. 1) Evangelicals hitched their wagon to conservative politics, and that cart is busted. 2) Christian media has been superficial and failed to teach them the basics of their belief (which I don’t think is quite as damaging as he thinks—teaching the actual scripture is a great way to make atheists). 3) Megachurches. Enough said. 4) Christian education has failed. 5) Christianity has become a taint rather than a selling point in efforts to do good works. 6) Confidence in the bible and faith are waning. And probably most importantly, 7) “The money will dry up.”

One caveat to his explanations, though, is that he is making specific predictions about a very narrow part of the Christian spectrum, evangelicalism. We still have to worry about the crazy Charismatics, the freaky Fundamentalists, the conservative Catholics, and all those weird little splinter sects all over the place. Christianity isn’t going to simply vanish, it’s simply going to submerge for a bit, be a little less flamboyant and openly money-hungry, and maybe be a little less politically influential. Those are good outcomes all around, in my opinion.

He also wants to predict that a new and vital Christianity can arise from the ruins. Let’s hope not — I want to see a clearing away of the detritus of superstition to allow for a new Enlightenment to shine forth, instead.

Billy Graham answers his email

Billy Graham has a column in which he answers letters — he’s a kind of evangelical agony aunt, I guess. A recent letter will make you laugh.

DEAR BILLY GRAHAM: Why do people get involved in cults? My cousin has gotten involved in one, and no matter what we say to him, he refuses to listen. He says we are the ones who are in the dark, and he alone in our family has found the truth. — S. McM.

That’s a real problem, and I’m sure we all know someone who has gone off the deep end with some weird belief. That’s not the funny part; the good bit is Graham’s oblivious reply.

DEAR S. McM: One characteristic of cults is that they strongly believe they alone are right in their beliefs and everyone else is wrong. Thus they reject the central truths of the Bible that Christians have held in common for almost 2,000 years and substitute their own beliefs for the clear teaching of Scripture.

Shorter Billy Graham: The difference between their cult and mine is that they think they have the absolute truth, when I know that I do.

A follow-up to the Brazilian child rape case

After all the gasps of outrage at the Catholicchurch’s response to that tragic story of a 9-year old rape victim’s abortion, the church has seen the light of reason and…actually, no. They just made it worse. The Roman Catholic Church of Brazil has excommunicated everyone involved in the abortion, except the child, who was excused on grounds of her age. Old enough to be raped and bear children, but not old enough to be responsible for decisions about her reproductive tract, apparently.

Remember this when anyone tries to tell you about their god of love, their religion of mercy, their source of all moral virtue.

Those involved who have been excommunicated ought to take this opportunity to rethink whether they even want to be associated with such a contemptible organization.


The president of Brazil has now spoken out against the church’s decision.

God, the petulant, petty whiner

That’s the message I get from this horrible little video. The conceit is that someone writes a letter to god, asking why he let violence occur in the schools, and he replies…and gee, god sure sounds like a snide pissant. The omnipotent, omniscient lord of the cosmos couldn’t do a thing because those liberals put a restraining order on him. Right. Crazed madmen run through a public school murdering children, and good ol’ Jehovah channels Cartman and says, “Whoa, let ’em bleed to death — some of the kids don’t pray to me, and the principal doesn’t begin the school day with a public obeisance. Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

Fundamentalist theology sure is an ugly thing, isn’t it?

I failed this test

It’s hard, you try it: it’s the Religion 101 final exam. I sure hope they post the answer key sometime.

Although…if it’s evaluated in the same way religion is, maybe any answer will do, and I’ve actually aced it.

Oh, wait — I answered it the atheist way, which is to leave it blank. That’s probably the one way you’re guaranteed to get stern angry looks from the teacher and expulsion from the whole school.