I saw the movie Underworld: Evolution last night. Stop looking at me like that—it was research. It has the word “evolution” in the title, doesn’t it? Besides, I have this idea to improve the promotion of science by having all of our spokespeople be dangerously nubile armed women with good cheekbones, full lips, and very sharp teeth. I figure the two things we’ve been lacking in our presentations to the public are lust and fear, and if we can just bring those into play, we’ll have an unbeatable combination.
As I learned at this movie, too, if you’ve got gorgeous women and slimy, ravening beasts confronting each other with big guns, nothing in the story has to make any sense at all. There was no plot: instead, there are a series of set-pieces strung together in which Our Heroine is placed in someplace dark, wet, and seedy with a supply of weapons and hapless allies/fang fodder to confront a suitably snouty or batty SFX playtoy. They aren’t even consistent in how these conflicts are resolved. Big bad immortal vampires get shot multiple times at point blank range with a shotgun, and shake it off with a snarl; but when Sir Derek Jacobi, following in the fine British tradition of slumming in some well-paying American trash, finds the movie so embarrassingly bad that he has to get out, the movie makers decide that the way to have his immortal character die is to poke him with something pointy, followed by a languorous death scene in which Jacobi completely turns off his ability to act. It was impressively flat, a cinematic vampire death scene that ranks right up there with Pee Wee Herman’s in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, yet utterly different.
Somehow this murky, muddled mess of a movie got made, and got people (like, say, me!) to attend. There’s a lesson here.
I’m going to have to get a skin-tight vinyl body suit for my next presentation.
I’ll let you guess whether I’m trying to inspire lust or fear.
A while back, I asked if Watterson ever did squid. I was informed by Philip Johnson (no, not that Phillip Johnson—this is the one who has not dedicated the declining years of his life to stupidity and evil) that a marvelous thing exists…The Calvin and Hobbes searchable database. You can search an archive of Calvin & Hobbes cartoons by keyword! Sometimes I do love the internets.
He does reference squid a few times (Calvin has a squid eyeball sandwich one day, for instance), but he doesn’t draw them. There are two cartoons with Calvin as an octopus, though.
That was my first thought when I read this entry, but then I noticed that the clotted, precious style didn’t quite fit. My next though was a horrific one: Lileks is guest posting on Creek Running North? Say it isn’t so! It’s bad enough that he’s there every time I open the Star Tribune!
Ah, but no, fortunately it’s just a pitch-perfect satire.
If you don’t like Lileks’ cutesie dribblings, you must read this.
For those wondering who the heck Lileks is, he’s a columnist for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, famous for two qualities: 1) he’s one of those pissed-pants conservatives who totally lost it after 9/11, and 2) he’s very twee.
This has got to be a spoof site, but then I would have had to think Rapture Ready was a joke, too. Anyway, when the Rapture comes and you are ascended into heaven, you need to make sure your beloved pets are cared for, so the JesusPets service is recruiting non-Christians to take care of pets during the Tribulation or whatever.
It’s a bit bizarre. One thing they have to make sure of is that the godless atheist isn’t signing up just so he can get his hands on Mr Tinkles to rape and eat, so we have to sign a promise that we aren’t just scheming to ravish everyone’s abandoned pets.
Make hard CA$H from home while the world is in flames!
Are you an animal lover; and also an atheist, agnostic, jew, muslim, or other non-Christian? If so, you might qualify for the JesusPets Partner Program!
JesusPets will pay YOU to take care of dogs, cats, and other pets. To qualify, you must agree with this statement:
The JesusPets Partner Program Statement
- I love animals, and am willing to care for pets after the Christian Rapture.
- I am not, and never have been a born-again Christian.
- I believe it is immoral to have sex with animals, and have no desire to do so.
- I believe it is immoral to consume common domesticated pets (note: this includes goldfish!), and have no desire to do so.
If you agree with, then please contact JesusPets to join our international community of JesusPets Partners!
Hmmm. If I were a cat-raper, I don’t think I’d be too troubled about breaking an electronic pledge.