People have been asking me what’s up with that potentially interesting television series called Evolve that is supposed to be shown next week — it’s not showing up on anyone’s schedules. I wrote to the executive producer, and she said the History Channel has delayed it to sometime in July. She’ll let me know more when the schedule firms up more.
Randy Olson has a new movie that is premiering today: Sizzle: A Global Warming Comedy. We all know it’s going to be funny, and that because it will also criticize the scientists studying climate change, it will be infuriating and annoying and will draw lots of fire from both sides.
Go ahead and start sharpening your knives, but do keep this in mind: Olson is the only guy we’ve got trying to widen the market for science documentaries beyond the gray-haired, PBS-watching, NPR-listening audience. He’s opening this thing at Outfest, the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, rather than as a collection of droning heads airing in some godforsaken hole of blandness right after the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, so give him some credit, too. While he doesn’t sing in tune with the rest of the chorus, he’s going to force us all to think, which is something we’re supposed to like. If you’re in LA, go to it and give us a review.
Besides, it’s got Muffy Moose in it. How awful can it be?
You all know how the Indiana Jones movies are written, don’t you? Let me recreate for you the day Steven Spielberg sat down with his head writer to put together the outline of what would be the fourth installment in the franchise.
Spielberg: Guys, here it is: the secret formula for a successful Indiana Jones movie. [Spielberg waves a tattered 3×5 index card around] Take this, and let’s get to work.
Writer: Steve…this is just a scribbled sentence with some blanks.
Spielberg: Right. Haven’t you ever played Mad Libs?
Writer: OK, but don’t you kind of have this memorized? Why go through the motions?
Spielberg: I’ve forgotten everything on that card, so don’t worry, it’ll be new and fresh. Hollywood does this to you after a while—first it sucks the creativity out of you, then the memory goes, and you become a creature of short-term instinct. Go ahead, ask me questions to fill in the blanks, and we’ll get this picture started!
Writer: Umm, name a “villainous group”.
Spielberg: Easy. Naz…no, wait. I think we did that one. Let’s see, uh, Communists. Yeah, we’re already thinking out of the box!
Writer: Good one, sir. It reminds me of the second Indy movie, when you made the bad guys a mostly forgotten and entirely neglected Indian religious cult. That one surprised everyone with its freshness.
Spielberg: Right! We’re on a roll! Next!
Writer: Name a “famous historical artifact”.
Spielberg: This is always the hard part for a shark-like mind with no long term memory. Hmmmm. OK, Crystal skull.
Writer: “Crystal skull”? What’s that? I’ve never heard of it.
Spielberg: I think I saw something about it on late night cable. It sounds cool, anyway, and it’ll look eerie on film.
Writer: But it does say “famous historical artifact” here…
Spielberg: I‘ve heard of it, so it must be famous. Besides, I bet you never heard of sankara stones before, either, and we made them famous. Now everyone talks about them.
Writer: Oh, right. That second movie again. We really are treading in the footsteps of greatness, this movie is going to be fabulous. OK, last one: name a “dangerous power”.
Spielberg: Yeah, let me think. This is getting hard, I’m just about burnt out here. Are you getting hungry? No? I think I need a little nosh, let me call out for something.
Spielberg [to his office intercom]: Carol, get me a quick bite. An arugala salad, I think. Yeah, that’s what I said. Write it down. You heard me, write it down, an arugala [writer starts scribbling]. Thanks.
Spielberg: Now where were we?
Writer: We’re done! It’s going to be a blockbuster!
Spielberg: Read it back to me.
Writer: “Indiana Jones must race evil COMMUNISTS to acquire the fabulous CRYSTAL SKULL before they can use its power of ARUGALA to rule the world!”
Spielberg: Wow. We have outdone ourselves. I want to see this movie already.
Writer: We’ll be packing ’em in. I’ll just plug in some of the usual plot devices and flesh it out in the script a little bit.
Spielberg: Yeah. But you know, that last bit might be a little…weak…
Writer: Now that you mention it…
[Spielberg and Writer stare at 3×5 card for several seconds, brows knit in thought.]
Spielberg: Aww, screw it. Don’t worry about what the crystal skull does, or why anyone would want it. We’ll just go with the flow.
Writer: Second movie?
Spielberg: You got it. We made that whole damn thing, concocted an all powerful religious cult using thousands of child slaves, all in order to acquire magic rocks that had the power to set leather handbags on fire. And nobody cared! Any MacGuffin will do if you’ve got Harrison Ford.
Writer: Right. I’ll get you 200 pages by, say, tomorrow noon?
Spielberg: Great. Oh, and remember to stick in a couple of scenes with insects crawling all over people. And show Indy with some human weakness with a snake scene. And, oh yeah, that face-melty thing in the first movie was really popular — could we have someone’s eyeballs burst into flame?
Writer: Love it, boss.
I think you can guess…I was a little disappointed. Ford was great, I think he’s become a real icon of the swashbuckling hero genre, and I enjoyed his performance. The movie kept things moving with lots of action, but ultimately, it was the writing or the lack thereof that crippled the movie. There was no point to all the frenzied scurrying, and the ending was a mess, a great big gooey splort of special effects with no relationship to anything else that preceded it.
All right, everyone else who saw it can have at it in the comments. Be warned, everyone: spoilers may emerge herein. Click through only if you are prepared to be disillusioned, if you aren’t already.
And you all know what that means…the premiere of the new Indiana Jones movie. It’s opening here in Morris at 12:01 am, and Skatje and I will be there…and since it is Morris, the line will be negligible, and we’ll get the best seats in the house, and we’ll have a grand time.
I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while. It’s so reassuring to know that even an old geezer can be an action hero.
Who else is mobbing the theater tonight?
By now, many of you have probably seen the latest super-hero summer blockbuster, so the time is right for opening up a discussion.
I thought it was excellent and loads of fun, although the irony did not escape me that it was about a conscienceless weapons merchant who has an epiphany about the tragic consequences of his industry, and decides to end his contribution to the bloodshed…so he goes home to build a new, super-powerful personal weapons system that allows him to beat up bad guys. Whatever you do, don’t think deeply about this movie! It’s just some good acting, excellent special effects, and a fast-paced series of events wrapped around an unbelievable fantasy premise.
Anyway, beware: I’m not saying anything that isn’t well-known here, but our amoral godless commenters might reveal a few spoilers.
I’ve been neglecting my prayers today — I’ve got all this writing to get done, and I chose to actually sit before my keyboard and move my hands and think with my brain, rather than calling upon the Lord to do my work for me. I’ve actually gotten a fair amount done.
Now comes the part where one might expect some heavenly reward for one’s pious industry, but I don’t believe in that, either. I’m going to have to do something myself … so here I come, Iron Man! We have a late night premiere showing of a first run movie in Morris, so of course I have to go.
It looks like a darned good action movie, too. Popcorn and some good clean late night fun sound like a better event than some po-faced piety at a local church, don’t you think?
We have a confession! It was made by Michael Edmondson, and it was produced by the people behind Expelled. He wrote to me, and says, “The intent of the video has been questioned a lot…I suppose the answer is that I tried to make something that was funny to me and It’s not really meant to convince anyone of anything.” That’s how I felt about it: it’s amusing, and that’s all that matters — it’s vague enough that it can be read any way you want.
Edmondson has also made a brief sequel.
Note that Stein is wearing a t-shirt that says “Poe’s Law”.
I mentioned some of the good stuff in Morris this weekend, and some are imminent: at 3:00, it’s Vincent Price in Theatre of Blood at the Morris Theatre; then at 8:00, it’s the Auditorium of Creationist Blather, as Angus Menuge argues with me about whether neuroscience leaves room for god (answer: no. Hey, that was quick!). You Twin Cities residents can still make the movie if you leave right now — we’re about 3 hours away.
Or you could rent the video and watch it at home, and apparently the debate will be recorded, so you’ll be able to watch it on the interwebs later on.
Why? Because we need more competent satirists.
Hey, I remember when this piece from Rush came out, and I remember the snake-like tree in the video, but I don’t remember the ending … and it’s the ending that makes me laugh now.
