Malta mustn’t offend the Pope!


The mayor of Malta is quite anxious to have a statue removed from a prominent place on the road from the airport, before the Pope arrives. He might be embarrassed, after all. That’s the statue on the right; it’s called “Colonna Mediterranea”, and some people fear an obelisk is too phallic. Because, like everyone, when I see a giant green monument with multi-colored patches and a series of constrictions in it, I think of my penis.

The mayor shouldn’t worry. The Pope and the Catholic Church have no shame.The statue might serve a useful purpose in reminding the Catholic entourage to get their VD shots, while also intimidated them into keeping theirs in their pants. Or frocks. Or whatever they’re wearing. And rather than worrying about offending the Pope, shouldn’t he be more concerned about the offense to Malta?

Malta has its own history of priestly pedophilia, and has received complaints about 45 priests, which is rather impressive for such a small place…but the church claims that almost half of those accusations are groundless. I think they should be more optimistic, and phrase that as over half the accusations are not groundless. Either way, the Catholic church has been waving its erections around Malta for many years, the Pope should be able to cope with one more comparatively harmless one near the airport road. It’s the one that hasn’t raped any children.

I’ve been reminded that there is an even bigger phallic symbol erected in St Peter’s Square, right where the Pope can see it and touch it any time he wants.


Maybe Malta should feel a little inadequate and think about putting up more and bigger columns, instead.


  1. SamB says

    I’m not gonna lie, my first reaction when I saw that obelisk was “is that a dildo?”

  2. Benny the Icepick says

    How patently absurd. Don’t they realize that there is a giant obelisk in the piazza outside of St. Peter’s?

  3. jidashdee says

    Yep. No getting around it. That’s a big penis.

    Maybe they could disguise it as a fountain and have a boy’s choir singing in front of it when he arrives.

  4. JD says

    “It’s the one that hasn’t raped any children.”

    If they remove the statue and it gets in the wrong hands that might change.

  5. Rachel Bronwyn says

    Yeah, it’s a dick, but why catholics can’t just appreciate it as part of god’s divine creation, I don’t know. I love looking at penii. They’re pretty. Well, some.

  6. Tabby Lavalamp says

    Just to be pedantic, the mayor is of a town in Malta. The island of Malta is a nation, not a town. He’s no more the mayor of Malta than Sheldon Giese is the mayor of the United States.

  7. Aaron Baker says

    Time for another pedantic Latin moment:
    It should be “penes,” not “penii.”

    As for the esthetics, in my view they don’t call it “bumpin’ uglies” without good reason.

    The real obscenity here, from further down in the article: “Nearly half of the cases [of lleged child sexual abuse] have been ruled groundless , the Church said Monday, adding however: ‘For the Church, every case is one too many.'” Every case has been one too many since about the week before last, I think.

  8. frisbeetarian says

    Maybe they should cover it up with a protective sleeve of some sort (latex?) while the Poop is there. It’s not penes that bother them, it is covering them as to not spread disease or progeny.

  9. vanharris says

    I think that Richard Dawkins or some other worthy should mount a campaign for this to be brought over to the UK. Its erection in a prominent position for the pope’s visit could be arranged.

    It could be re-named something like “A Stiffy for the Pope”. Victims of catholic sexual abuse might like to make it into a memorial for their suffering.

  10. rippingrich says

    I don’t think the pope would appreciate it’s removal.

    I think they should just move it around the country side. If someone gets offended they can enact the cathoilic solution.

  11. negentropyeater says

    I stand ashamed in calling Malta an island.

    You shouldn’t be.

    Malta is the largest Island in the Maltese archipelago.
    It is also a country in the European Union.

    From a recent EU wide study of people’s attitudes towards religions, I gathered that Malta was the country in the EU with the highest religiosity (in front of Poland, Ireland and Italy). Even higher than the USA ! And most of these religiots are catholics.

  12. jidashdee says

    On the upside, if they do decide to knock it down, the Swiss will finally have a use for that Large Hardon Collider I hear they’ve been building.

  13. mas528 says

    The problem is the proportions make it look a little too much like an *adult* penis…

  14. Antiochus Epimanes says

    No need to take it down. Just perch a naked five-year-old on top of it and Benny won’t even notice.

  15. Pierce R. Butler says

    Do they sell miniature replicas of the “Colonna Mediterranea” in Maltese souvenir shops? (Not too miniature, I hope…)

    I know a few people who might like one, with or without battery power, even before hearing the first two syllables of the name.

  16. daveau says

    …that there is an even bigger phallic symbol erected in St Peter’s Square…

    No, no, no! If it has a cross on the tip, it is not a penis, it is a pedestal. Not phallic at all. Nothing to see here, move along.

    (heh, heh, heh. He said erected… /Butthead)

  17. Grewgills says

    Because, like everyone, when I see a giant green monument with multi-colored patches and a series of constrictions in it, I think of my penis.

    Me to, but only on very special occasions.

  18. jidashdee says

    @negentropyeater #17

    You blew a perfect opportunity to say “member of the European Union”.

    Hang your head in shame!

  19. Aaron Baker says

    “Only the three largest islands — Malta Island (Malta), Gozo (Għawdex), and Comino (Kemmuna) — are inhabited.” (Wikipedia)

    Okay, so it’s an island AND an archipelago. I’ll be charming people at parties for a year on this alone.

  20. Shplane says

    I’d be more worried that the GIANT BLUE PENIS was going to assault the Pope for giving penises such a bad name.

  21. johnathan.harrington says

    Since everyone seems to be itching to find out more about the Penis, here’s the latest meat from someone who actually lives on both the island and the archipelago :p.

    It’s the Mayor of Luqa (a Maltese town) who is complaining about the massive erect dick. The government has up until now, laughed in his face.

    Also, to further clarify Malta in terms of religiosity, according to a very recent census (executed by the Clergy, heh) 94.4% of the Maltese population is registered as Catholic. While I don’t doubt the authenticity of these numbers, these include people that simply could not give a flip and atheists, like myself, who are too lazy to go and excommunicate themselves.

    But yes, to explain how religious the country is. Divorce is illegal. Enough said, right?

  22. Brian says

    The Pope goes all around with a freaking huge phallic symbol on his HEAD for crying out loud. Why the hell would he object to another one on the side of the road? Because it’s taller?!

  23. Rachel Bronwyn says

    Penii, penes, penises. I’m just going to say wangs from now on.

    Seriously though, I’d totally masturbate with the blue cock in that image.

  24. mainjari.f says

    According to the church, men don’t have penises. If you find yourself in the unfortunate position of having a penis, the proper course of action would be to remove it before the Pope finds out and has someone else remove it for you.

  25. --E says

    I was in Malta a few months ago and the purported religiosity of the place was not, in my experience, borne out. If there are a lot of religious Catholics, they’re not pushing their views very hard (or not winning). There were a number of hotels that openly advertised as “gay friendly.”

    Sure, there’s a church in every town, but that doesn’t indicate how many people nowadays attend regularly. My suspicion is that plenty of people are secretly (or not so secretly) that extremely common denomination: lapsed Catholic.

  26. Sili says

    Maybe they should cover it up with a protective sleeve of some sort (latex?) while the Poop is there. It’s not penes that bother them, it is covering them as to not spread disease or progeny.

    That would actually be a pretty good protest.

    Along with showering the Popemobile with condom confetti.

  27. KOPD says

    They shouldn’t need to actually remove the statue. The Catholic Church has so much experience covering things up, this statue should be an easy one.

  28. keenacat says

    @ –E
    Allow me to respectfully disagree:
    The fact that there is a need for hotels to advertise as “gay friendly” (indicating that this is not a common trait…) strikes me as sort of exemplary for a religious contry.
    I mean, it would be sort of WTF to advertise as gay friendly if the country was secular.

  29. Alan B says

    I’ll see your island and archipelago and raise you a prehistoric pygmy elephant (they used to live in Malta).

    Member of the Commonwealth of Nations.

    Currency? The Euro – since 2008.

  30. says

    The obelisk in front of St. Peter’s in the Vatican actually dates from the pre-Christian Roman period. It was left in place when the current square and basilica were built. The Christians only added a cross at the top. So, not only is the Pope already looking at a bigger phallos when he looks out the window, but a pagan one at that.

  31. says

    The (colorful and phallic) statue is quite adequate for this Papal visit. Should reminds the pope about priests forcing their way with children.

  32. Chris Irwin Davis says

    I’m going to be in Malta in a few weeks for an academic conference. I really hope it’s still there when I arrive so I can get a photo of me standing next to it. If so, I’ll send I pic of me with the statue!

  33. RC says

    Parts of the article are incorrect, though no biggie its right to fix.

    Its not the Mayor of Malta that is complaining against the obelisk but the Mayor of Luqa, a village in Malta.

    The Obelisk is Blue not green
    Apart from the mayor, his council and other all holy people the rest of us dont want it removed especially so the pope wont be scandalized.

    The Goverment of Malta has NO intentions of removing it either pope or not.

    Roman Catholics are loosing ground to freelance religion (ie: I belive and Love God and Jesus but screw the Church that dictates in his name)and def not gaining any ground

  34. Darreth says

    It’s not that the obelisk looks phallic like the one in St. Peter’s Square. It’s that it looks like a GREEN CONDOM has been put over it. THAT is the real issue.

  35. MadScientist says

    Why take it down when you can stimulate the economy by commissioning giant fig leaf sculptures to erect around it. (Gee, all this talk about stimulus and erections.)

  36. says

    There is a poll in the Times of Malta, together with some other interesting information about the warm welcome Malta is preparing for his Holiness.

    They put the grinning Palpatine-face on huge billboards? That’s just asking for trouble.

  37. DLC says

    what’s missing in the top photo is the 2 giant blue domes that should have been on either side of the spire. (ancient romans placed much faith in the male genitalia, the phallus being a symbol of fertility. )
    but.. blue ones… hm. . .
    Poppa Smurf?

  38. Bribase says

    You just know you’ve got to take a man’s socio-political rants seriously when he’s scared of willies!


  39. jidashdee says

    Where’d the funny go?

    Jesus! Can’t you people even “pull off” a decent dick joke?

    For christ’s sake it’s a giant cock and you’re all chiming in like it’s the round table on “Meet the Press”.

    Bunch of sorry ass yes men joiner fucks. If we ever met in person I’d take your lunch money.

    Fucking gong show.

  40. says

    I, myself am a Maltese atheist. I can tell you quite surely that many people are NOT happy about the pope’s visit here. Of course, there are the die-hard catholics that have turned a blind-eye to everything that has been going on lately regarding paedophile priests, and are ready to welcome him with open arms.

    Wikipedia reports that 98% of the population is catholic, but that cannot be farther from the truth. It is true that we have a LARGE majority of catholics, but the atheist group is growing and growing, especially amongst the younger generation. And I can safely vouch that the remaining bigots are as hypocritical as any other :).

    Of course, having said this, the phallic monument has been a bit of an inside joke here for the past few years. It’s actually funny that it has now reached international fame.

    Anyway, just wanted to post from an “insider’s” perspective.

  41. Franklin Percival says

    What filthy minds some people have. Now let’s have three cheers for the Maltese Space Programme, Luqa Division! Hip Hip …