We’ve got conflicting chronologies: a young earth history that is virtually all relatively recent human history, and a scientifically accurate one that encompasses 4.5 billion years of geological and biological change. How to reconcile them? Well, if we just divide everything in geology and biology by about a million and splice it together with modern history, we get this vastly entertaining timeline. Here’s a sample:
- A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by walking through northern France.
- A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta
- A.D. 1304: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.
- A.D. 1324 T.Rex becomes most popular Mongol Barbecue item after Golden Horde discovers gunpowder.
- A.D. 1384: Dante describes Medieval Warm period in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.
- A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.
- A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.
- A.D. 1492: Panama’s rise from sea thwarts Columbus’s discovery of Japan.
- A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez smashes Aztec Empire
My namesake is also in it, and there are some interesting echoes in there.
- A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.
But of course! That’s the first thing he would do.
It all makes so much sense—and think of the money the schools could save by combining earth science and history into one class!